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Thanks for your replies LTH and Another Stander.

AS you are right about this for sure "The time and space is as much for you as for him. You need time and space to decide what YOU want out of life too."

It's funny how in the beginning of our current separation every hour seemed to go on for days and feel so painful and distracting. Now that I'm a month out since I've seen or spoken to H I feel like I'm starting to feel like my old self again... the easy-going, laid back happy self I was before this whole mess started last August. Its nice to have the ability to think things through and really sit with any feelings I may be having without feeling like I'm also walking on eggshells with H around.

I've also been making it a point to really be present in moments now, taking the time to really notice things, like how lovely it is to visit the public pool in the evening when most people have gone home and me and my kids have almost the whole pool to ourselves. Without a million people there you can actually hear the music they play over the speakers and with the sun setting its just perfect.

I also make it a point to sing along (in my head) to my music when taking my daily walks so that my mind doesn't always wander back to H.

Where is that crystal ball we are all looking for to know where to go next - ha!

For the past 4 years I've waited and made career/job choices around my H. He's been looking to move up in his career and we anticipated this would mean a move to a new area. I've sat tight in a job that I don't love with limited opportunity for me to advance to be available to move for him when the time came. I've been commuting an ungodly long distance to keep my current job and I know it won't be feasible to keep working at this particular company for long after I have the baby with no support at home. If I get a call to pick up a sick baby there is no way I can get home in time to pick him up. I'm also not sure I can support all the new expenses, even with support, on my current income.

So now I find myself in one of those 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' type of situations. I have a company very eager for me to pursue a big job with them that would be a step forward in my career, pay my bills and finally allow me to live close to my job (by moving)... but the job is 2 hours away from where H currently lives. The chances of me being able to find a comparable position closer to home are slim to none and especially on short notice.

Part of me knows that formally being offered the job is a long shot and might not even be something I have to make a decision about. Part of me is so excited to have something like this cross my lap. Part of me thinks I'm crazy for even considering it. Needless to say I'm all over the place!

My worst fear is that I'll forego the job to try to stay here and work things out, only to have H finally find the job he's been looking for and move away from us anyways in a few months leaving me to scramble and just take something local that isn't what I want to do with my life. If his past decisions are any indication I see no reason why he wouldn't just up and move away.

I've been doing a good job of leaving him alone since we separated. (We haven't talked on the phone in over a month). I have no idea what he's thinking or planning for himself in terms of pursuing out of state jobs. After debating I did end up emailing him to tell him I'm interviewing for the role since I've experienced things moving very quickly when a company is very eager to bring someone on quickly and didn't want to completely sideswipe him with this news. I didn't ask for feedback I just explained the situation, the location and said if he had questions he could contact me.

Am I crazy for even considering a life change like this right now? Is getting my ducks in order planning for my future without him detaching or just giving up on him and not giving things a chance?

Also, any advice for the convo I'll have with my H this week? H said that since I brought this up he does think we should talk. I thought I'd be excited at the chance to finally talk to him again but I'm really dreading this. He wouldn't be calling me to talk if he were considering a job and wouldn't be seeking my input. I don't want him to think that I'm asking him if he thinks I should go for it. I'm interested to hear if he plans to apply for out of state jobs but I don't want him making the decision on where I live in the future if we aren't M.

If I knew he'd be a reliable back-up when I go back to work after maternity leave I wouldn't pursue the job and would continue with my forever long current commute. If he's thinking of moving this year or is planning to let work take priority over helping with our S I really have to go for this job despite the difficulties the distance will create.

This story is heartbreaking. You are right, you don't deserve to be treated this way. It continues to amaze me how much people are willing to hurt the ones they committed to loving.

The job question is a tough call. No, you are not crazy. Your H is seeing another woman and has not even called his 7 month pregnant wife in over a month? Personally, I wouldn't be basing my future plans on his support. What he is going through has very little to do with you and you need to make yourself the priority and make decisions on what is best for you. It is definitely not giving up or not giving him a chance.

Wow, I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Thanks for your feedback RockJC. When I tried to call H today as he requested he sent me straight to voicemail and responded by text a few minutes later. The fact that he couldn't even talk to me signifies that even after a few weeks of space nothing has really changed for him. Which is ok - just interesting to see.

As expected he's upset that I'd consider moving our S away from him and he made sure to point out that he'll be meeting with a lawyer in coming weeks. This is also ok as I know that when it comes to child support and my ability to move for work there isn't a ton he's going to be able to do to prevent me from doing what I need to do. It just stinks to have to talk about anything unsavory like money or living arrangements when I'd rather just stay dark and avoid contact. On the positive, the fact that he said 'in a few weeks' in terms of contacting a lawyer also sounds like it isn't a pressing concern that he's rushing out to handle. He still hasn't filed for a D despite things being 'over' between us and seeing this OW so I'm still going to proceed knowing that anything is possible in the future.

I called him back after his text because I was not about to have that conversation electronically. I explained where I'm coming from and said that I'd be coming back to town every other weekend anyways (to take my other children to see their dad) so its not like he wouldn't still see our S on a regular basis and it wouldn't end up being any more driving for him.

On the phone he mentioned he's turned down 2 job interview requests located right where we always had hoped and dreamed to settle down so that was a bit of a bummer and I can certainly understand why me thinking of taking a job out of town would really rub him the wrong way right now. I'm not naive enough to think that him turning those jobs down was just for the sake of staying near our S since he is after all involved with an OW who is also keeping him here.

I got answers to some of my questions about his job hunting intentions for the next few months to a year and the conversation remained 100% on topic about work, pretty devoid of emotion good or bad for either of us and certainly no R talk.

It stinks that I had to even bring any of this up with my H and set-back any gains I had made for myself (in detaching) and for our relationship as up till now I've remained distant but friendly and without pressure.

I know I'm doing a lot of mind reading but I know he's going to just stew over this and it will be the only thing he'll think of when he thinks of me for the foreseeable future. Its hard to imagine myself as a spouse he'd be a fool to leave when the conversations I have to have with him pertain to what he'll owe me for child support (a lot given how expensive a newborn is in daycare) and about me working out of town. Ah the joys / frustrations of DBing with a baby on the way.

Trying to stay hopeful but feeling pretty hopeless at the moment.

Yesterday was an emotionally tumultuous day. Today feels much better.

Lately, I've been spending a lot more time in prayer and in regard to whether or not to pursue this job I decided to put my arms out and leave it in God's hands. I asked him to shine a light on what I should do. After H's surprising response about him turning down jobs to stay near our S (unexpected and a tiny tiny glimmer of hope that he can care about someone outside of himself at the moment) I also found out that the company I was looking to work for is pretty unlikely to budge on giving me benefits before the 90 day mark. I'm not about to give up my benefits package right before delivery so this was a huge red flag. I've also noticed this is a rush hire and things would really need to move very quickly with many many things have to fall in place for this to work out. Now I'm not shy about accepting some risk, but I just kept thinking with a screen name like "slow-it-down" maybe the guy upstairs is giving me anxiety about the pace of moving forward so fast for a reason... like maybe it wasn't such a good idea at this exact moment in my life.

Case in point? I decided to slow-it-down, pass up the interview and give myself more time to figure out what's going to be best for me, S and even my M if its still possible to get it back on track.

Back to working on my personal goals and going dark for the last 2 mo of my pregnancy!

I'm sorry you're going through this slow_it_down. As you know I am going through something similar, though I am a first time mom so no other kids, and my H and I are currently still "together" though he is emotionally all over the place and claims to just be tolerating me for the sake of his son. In my case there is no affair that I know of and I actually don't really think it's that at all. Anyway, I personally know the joys of DB while pregnant. It is not easy. Let's help each other through the next two months. Before we know it we will have our babies. And though the circumstance is not ideal, that is truly the rainbow after (during??) the storm I am looking forward to.

How does everyone keep their R struggles private without lying?

I spent much of the weekend at the pool chatting and trying to be social to take my mind off things. Inevitably the "where's your H" conversation question was asked many many times. Since "no clue I haven't heard fom him in weeks" wasn't a good answer to keep our sitch private I found myself speechless and awkward.

Any advice for keeping things private and between me and my H w/o lying to other people about his whereabouts?

Hi slow_it_down. I am kinda going through the same thing now. I struggle with this privacy thing bc in some ways I feel like I am protecting his honour somehow by keeping the sitch private. But can you just say something like he's busy with work? My H is actually busy at work so it's believable to friends and family and unfortunately I have practice with using it bc of our previous separation.

How are you doing lady? Are you excited about meeting your baby? Do you know what you're having? I'm sorry if it was already said my mind is just all over the place these days.

Oh how quickly having a baby-on-the way drains the bank account...

So here's my newest dilemma, I've been out GAL, not contacting H at all, working on myself (l entertained company at my house yesterday rather than hitting a restaurant for a change!) and generally feeling very ok with being on my own.

However, I do need H to step up and pitch in on baby-related expenses and prenatal out-of-pocket costs. Now, one of the biggest reasons I blew up on him in the first place and one of our biggest points of contention is that when he moved in after we got married he never paid any money toward our family expenses/bills because he still had his own bills to take care of until he sold his house. Fair enough... I know that he did have a lot on his plate and I understood him not being able to contribute... that is, until he magically came up with cash to buy 2 boats and a sports car (where did that money come from?

Fast forward to today where it is going on 2 months of him saying he'll be putting a check in the mail toward the out-of-pocket bills I have so far and I have yet to see any money. He's told me its 'in the mail' several times but then follows up to say he forgot, got busy at work or his accounting people messed up his direct deposit for the account.

Nothing about him makes me believe he's a dead-beat dad that really has no intention of paying, but knowing him he does tend to let work take over and has almost 0% memory for taking care of things outside of work. I just don't know how to coax him into following through with things (like putting the check in the mailbox) once he's committed to them without making him feel guilty (nagging).

The one thing I always wished to be for him was his #1 cheerleader in life and to support him. So how do I get him to pay up without pushing him further away? I know once the baby comes along I could get court-ordered support, and possibly just have it docked from his check if need be, but honestly that doesn't put me any closer to having a good relationship with him in the future.

On the flip side, as I approach the 1 year mark from our BD (initiated by me), this whole situation reminds me that despite feeling sad and guilty for how things have gone in the 12 months since, I wasn't completely off base for feeling taken advantage of during our marriage. Clearly he is still making the same choices that made me crazy in the first place and some very specific work needs to be done before I could even consider R should the opportunity present itself.

I'm not sure what it is about WAS's and their memory loss when it comes to paying bills, but it happened with my H all the time.

In fact, before the D in early May, we took a trip together to see his family and he agreed to split the cost of gas if I'd pay upfront.

Of course, he promised to pay when he got his expense check a week or so later. In mid June, I had a text that I'd get the money asap. On July 4th, he said he'd do it right away and even agreed to do it right then during our conversation. We use Chase quickpay, so it literally takes a few seconds to send it.

I didn't get the money until yesterday when I was at his apt, reminded him again, and watched him get on the website.

I'd keep telling him that I hated to nag, which is why I'd wait at least a week between asking, but when you're counting on the money, it is important.

I really think they have so many issues going through their heads that the simplest things don't stick. I guess it's a good thing that somehow they still manage to keep their jobs!

Wish I had better news for you, but at least know that you're not alone.