This might sound ridiculous but it is like i worry about them liking OW and walking out on me like he did.. Eventho i know i am a good mother like i was a good wife.
If you feel it it's not ridiculous, it's how you are wired right now, it's his fault your uneasy. But, in your heart you know that it would never be, those are your babies!
My S24 is my H's from a GF who dumped him on H at birth. We met when S was 6 months old. I thought being just like dad (quirky, a little odd) that he might side w him. When this started S24 had just graduated college and said, dad is doing what he has to do for himself, whatever, he's gonna go for it, but that doesn't mean he's not an a$$hole, and mom, you don't have to sit around waiting, you have us, he will loose any future w us. I'll pay the mortgage w my brothers if we have to get him out!
That is about as articulate as you can get as far as knowing the kids do have an opinion, and they L their dad, but mom is who they stand with.
I worry all the time, and pay way too much attention to details also. It's almost a curse. I wish sometimes I could be one of those, WTF people and cruise thru life.
Thanks for the post, I see your D, are you on your way to becoming exquisit? Tell me any secrets you learn! I'm not D, but I am focused on me.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
LOL.. I love the WTF comment.. At the beginning of all this, i had asked my ex: WTF happened to you ?? Who are you ??
From the getgo, i knew something was terribly wrong. My instinc was to research bi-polar and midlife crisis. Every site i read said it was crucial to protect myself, my kids, OUR finance and future. That is why i filed for the divorce. With everthing that was happening, IT WAS THE SMARTEST decision i made.. He would have spent it all.. He makes ALOT of money and he maxed all his credit cards. ( Not on us. lol ) He is, in my opinion, very superficial.. He looks good, brand name clothing, new house, new car, alot of new woman but empty soul. Nothing and noone is good enough for him. I learned to be ME.. Not try to please him. That would be a waste of time. I learned to stay true to my beleif and value. I learned that i have a personality and I MATTER. I learned TO LAUGH again, ALOT.. I learned that i am worthy of as much goodness as i give others.. I don' t expect much from him since i don' t give much attention to him anymore. I still struggle from time to time but I HAVE MADE SOOOO MUCH PROGRESS. I rediscovered the ME that was burried under being a mom and a wife. I am more then those now. I am also a business woman, a wonderful friend, a person who gives 100 % into everything i do and i rip the reward of PRIDE !! I am doing much better then i thought.. lol THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTION !!
I read alot here and it's in my own signature, to let the OP show themselves as the idiots they are, but give your H/W room to see it for themselves.
Two weeks ago EA talked (pleaded w) H into doing something he would never do and was very ashamed of afterward. He disclosed it to me stating how embarrassed the sitch was and how stupid he felt for going.
(He said he showed up at her apt to help her from being thrown out by the sheriff and pack her things from her dump, and she was her bi-polar self ranting on about doing something else, my H considers wrong, she won)
His biggest worry was getting caught by some of the very people he may work for one day, it could blemish his career. HE GOT CAUGHT!
Over the weekend I booked him for a 3 week job through a known client, at the exact location. Funny, he has not worked this site in over 8 yrs, now he's got the whole run.
He just called me so worried and paranoid that he is being watched and even pointed at by several guys for a few days now. All he kept saying was, that wasn't me, why did I do that, that was such a mistake, bad move on my part! He thinks he may be thrown off the gig and ask me to pray for him.
What I do pray is that he see's the poison EA brings to him and how he is allowing himself to be lead. I pray he see's how he turns to me for the true side of who he is to be known and protected.
When will his fantasy end, his mission to help a loser to feel better about himself. He will loose me, and then he'll be the loser!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
that will never ever happen in a gazillion years. you are their mom - mom's are the absolute "rock" in families. NO MATTER WHAT - kids "want" their mom's approval and love. It's sad but allllll around us- adults still trying like mad to get approval from their mom's.
do not worry about ow for that reason. at the end of the day i'd stake my life on fact that your kids will ALWAYS have resentment for h breaking up their family- and even if they are decent to ow or like her- SHE WILL NEVER EVER BE YOU or come close to occupying the place in their hearts that you do.
YOU CAN take that to the bank. if they are good hearted little people and they cut her slack- it's a better thing that having anger and hate. i cannot imagine little kids being burdened with hurt & fallout of their beloved parent's awful sitch. it may hurt to see them being "friends" with her- but think of the reverse.
my h had a ton of anger, hate -brainwashing - his dad's big fat "righteousness" and preaching to him about his mom's evilness & sin in breaking up the family, etc.- he's (in alot of ways) a really emotionally damaged person- from the bottom up. i think it was that huge dose of his dad's sadness, insecurity- anger- hate- "gotta hate was"kind of thing.
you'e giving your kids the gift of kindness and understanding here- let them be the people they are and shield them from the huge treasonous hurt your h has dumped on your head- they can't fix it either (just as we can't) but at least they're not being shackled with the lifelong resentment toward their father & ow and allllll that BAGGAGE.
know what i'm trying tosay here????- you are letting them be kindly little people- and not demanding they take up your burden. you sound like a great mom- i may just be a great aunt- but it's what we do. i find myself not even wanting to burden my 14 yr old neice with my own pain & the fallout - she's sensitive and i can see she feels badly if she thinks i'm lonely, etc. i'm workin hard to be even-handed. she does not need to take that on. Her parents have alot of their own "junk" gonig on too -
my sister & I at least are allowing her to know but not be really a part of it all (our own respective adult r problems) - as in: things happen in life and you deal with it. (i hope she gets a picture of women who don't let life's ups and downs shatter them).
her dad is spinning out of control with alcohol addiction- calls her, crys on her shoulder, she's 14 - has never even had a boyfriend , much less able to deal with a father whose going over some "brink".
try not to "notice" allll the details - and i sure know the giant confusion & PROBLEM of words and actions that don't match up. can you spell hypocracy??? your kids sound great- someday when they're adults they'll match up all the peices and make their own judgements. i don't think it can ever be "right" or "fair" for people to be so self-indulgent they hurt others around them. i guess it happens tho- ALOT- AND THE rest of us have to let it not touch our values & good hearts? your kids sound like they are kind & goodhearted - what more could you ask?
sounds like you're doing everything rite- don't worry about your kids loyalty- WE ALL LOVE OUR MOMS IN LIFE!!!!!!!
best of all.....(we're all just more close & famliar with her so she gets alot of the grief as well- but you are not making them jump thru any hoops for your love- areyou??? i think not. yay you..xxoo
hope your day is okay. i never got back over to my own thread to look over your last NOTE. as usual, stuff to think over and you're kind to lump yourself with me. it's weird how sameie these wierd guys sound. my h never was a big "image" guy with the cards and flowers.
i always remembered THO that my ex-husband WAS - he did things the "right way" and professed his love ALOT- but (AND IT WAS A BIG BUT) HIS actions DID NOT MATCH UP to his words either.
this h - his words are hard & hard to hear (or non-existent). his actions (last couple years) are & always have been - more generous and kindly.
(WELL- EXCEPT FOR HIS GIANT GIANT TREASONOUS ow sitch) how to juggle that with otherwise person he is (was?) don't even know which is which-
WOULD THE REAL H PLEASE STNAD UP?
ANYWAY- just your comment about him not being a "cards & flowers" kind of guy ever.
oh well huh? bad sore throat this a.m.- those little guys in middle school were all coughing & sick on monday- sure it's them. I HAVE TO REMEMBER to wash my hands more & use a little anti-bacterial thing I guess. i usually avoid them- i think too much anti bacterial junk around. & we're breeding super-bacteria that are resistent from sooooooo much contact.
I THINK in life i'm having "information overload" from media- news- magazines "them" computer, etc.
ever wonder how nice life must have been before you had every single talking device bombarding you with constant info about what to eat- what pills to take - what problems you have or should look forward to, etc.?????
it's insane. i'm not thinking of one bad thing today- (well, aside from wondering if my mother is sick also- i fixed her a sandwich last nite after work - cripes !!!!! don't even want to think about THAT...
ANYWAY - YOU ARE SOOOO RIGHT about the fact that we are our own worst enemies with the "over thinking". i don't kn ow how one becomes someone else - (well- ditchign the bad bits anyway)
i'm working on it tho- i've spent whole days and not thought of h - maybe til bedtime. something about end of the day & getting in bed that reminds me what i do not have at this time. (like that????? i'm not viewing it as forever gone- (him or anyone) merely - AT THIS TIME.
anyway- late at nite & first thing in morning are my bad times- im getting better. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN EXACTLY ABOUT BEING "TAKEN CARE OF". IT is a notion i love.
I'm not sure at all about life. I've always managed somehow- i would not say i'm a big take-charge kinda woman. i'm more a "deal with what you get given" kind of girl.
the couple times on my own - in an apartment - i've been poor poor poor. i have to admit I REALLY DO LIKE feeling like there is someone else in my life - a SAFETY NET OF SORTS. i find that feeling very darn hard to let go of. maybe it's merely our primordial urge to do what is best for our survival.
lets face it- we have instincts that tell us to aly ourselves with a man. I'd say it's a very big instinct in women. PERIOD- NOT A VALUE JUDGEMENT OR ANYTHING ELSE. it's like being a scardy cat (which i am) - prudent to the point of pain.
i'm thinking it is not such a bad thing to take one's time, be painfully careful, etc. if you stack it up against all the stupid movies we see - which lets face it- THEY ARE STINKING ENTERTAINMENT- MOVIES... not real life.
my vote is do what we're doing. i don't usually have this much clarity of vision. just a blip this morning. i do not see that you or I could be doing anything else (if we are to keep our brains functioning). this business of grand gestures, etc. to make a show for who??? they may have a giant (good) effect - they may not...
you'll get there- my working is reinforcing in my head how much i like getting out and interacting. and it always surpr9ses me because i'm a person with alot of big interests that are pretty much solitary and i've always enjoyed my privacy and alone time.
HOWEVER - it's good. i make friends easily- i'm not a big "activity" kinda gal- but i do like people and the kids. i like to laugh (alot) and i like to learn about people - it's interesting....
the $$ is not great- it's still too "iffy" if i need to support myself-
i don't feel bad about dragging my feet. sometimes i feel pressured by EVERYONE ELSE - but remind myself they can all go to #ell really- at the end of the day i'm the person dealing with being TOTALLY ALONE. YOU TOO- remain true to dawn-
FUNNY you saying i am independent. I am - but i'm insecure too. have always been a worryier in life. i always thought it was a "strength" of mine- knowing my weaknesses & being willing to work with them & around them- and /or ask for help when i needed it. i see no value in being "strong" if it causes you to go down with the weight of the world on your shoulders.
i was thinking the other nite i just would like someone to "take care of me" also. oh well-
maybe i'll get it- maybe you will - maybe not. that's the $uck part of real life. we'll bumble thru-
okay- sick but have a ton to do today since they did not call me to work. i'm secretly glad since i feel like pooh- but guilty (of course- what else would i be? see, my insanity. guilty to be sick!!!!
oh man- i sure could use a brain over-haul to get rid of all the neurotic & counter-productive parts. oh wait- that would be a lobotomy- we do not think so- erase that notion...
been reading "a beautiful mind" and at part of the aAWful TORturous treatments they used to do to and give schizophrneic people back in the 50s - thank God we're sane....
HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOOD- DID YOU GET THE LAUGHING BUDDHA? MADE me laugh because i have a laughing buddha in the kitchen- i just liked him- BUDDHA SAYS IT'S OUR destiny & right to be happy...
& a foo dog also- hey- and i also painted my door way molding blue - keep out those evil spirits (one door only- need to do other two i guess to truly keep them out!!!)
love ya- and hang on and have a good day. smell the flowers & today lets enjoy being alive & sane & nothing more. well, you can enjoy your kids & projected grand kid. xxxxoooo ((()))
The issues I face today are mine. I'm lonely for a companion my H can no longer be because he is sick. I've been through the let down of his character, it's who he probably always was, he's just know longer able to keep the mask on.
H said his quilt that he cannot be the H in need eats him up, he prays giving thanks for me and for Him to guide me, he's sorry, so he does lots of chores, is a workaholic and asks for nothing, (though I know he works to deflect the dep).
Is this is me feeling guilty for wanting to S. Maybe, but believe me I'll get over it real fast. That's the best idea, a S, leave him here to work and ponder his life, which he always does, and take the time for me to explore my options.
At the very least a huge distance on my part, not being so readily available, busy, actively gone when he's home leaving him to think about how he would like this change, and what he's going to do about it!
We are on some sort of other side of this MLC, I think, maybe a vet here would know better, but the fall out seems to bring it's own set of issues. Also, I'm sure he's not done, nor healed, but vulnerable to set back, and I believe (as he said just recently) I can be a very huge influence on that.
Quote:
THESE LAST THREE STAGES(Depression, Withdrawal and Acceptance) is where the MLC'er learns the SAME lessons the LBS learns, and the MLC'er learns these lessons THROUGH the LBS actions TOWARD the MLC'er....as the LBS is the staunchion, or the pillar of strength..the "lighthouse" if you will...they are the source of strength that "draws" the MLC'er back.
I'm not closing the door to healing and working through my M, but he has to come forward w that, I will not ask. My kindess and preservation of my character when talking to him should be evidence enough that I am approachable.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Its strange isn't it? Even surrounded by people, we still feel that little loneliness inside; the place where our H/partners resided.
It's all those inside jokes that we shared over the years, "Aunty Betty was at it again..." that would not mean anything to anyone else. I miss that the most. We were a team of two. Even when I went to events alone (and had to often), I could come home and tell him all about it. He knew my world as I used to know his. I guess that is why the betrayal cuts so deep; apparently I did not know his world as well as he knew mine.
You have come such a long way. At least your H wants to try or at least sees you as someone he wants in his life. With MLC, that is a start. And now you have the time to think about what you want. You know what is best for you and we will support you all the way!
Even surrounded by people, we still feel that little loneliness inside; the place where our H/partners resided.
You said the words I have been looking for, it's just that simple...the place they resided!
I haven't been ready to give up the good aspects of our marriage until I started to realize that the loneliness inside has been there a long time.
My H hasn't been what I've needed for a while now, and the good has been out weighed by the bad.
I just need to heal, and move forward, I'll give it all in my power to see this through, but I am exhausted. I've been so afraid to loose the R, that I haven't been able to see that maybe I would be gaining myself back again.
This road is too damn long......
Hope everyone has a great Sun.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
