Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Standoff is over

Well that didn't make rainbows appear. Her quick reply:

"Either way.
Working. Yes. But I'm in a large need of peace that can't come when we have a drawn out breakdown. I need to be thru with this all. I can't be the best me like this. For the kids or for anyone."

Would've left it at acknowledging the hurt. The stab about 'I'm sure we can learn' etc could sound sarcastic and from her warped perception she's thinking you're accusing her of not wanting to be agreeable or work together. Which she then feels she needs to reiterate to you, by saying she wants peace & to move on. Just reaffirm and show appreciation for her willing to meet you. 'Thanks so much for your reply. I know you're working hard and I appreciate you helping me get through this difficult situation. I want you to feel peace and happiness too.' Something like that...

The other night, she texted me just about a movie and usually I think I would have not responded, but instead I engaged her a bit and we texted for over an hour.
There were a couple of times it got a little close to tense subjects, but if she was baiting me I wasn't biting, and if not then I just steered the conversation back to where I felt it was safe. When she expressed things, it was really hard to figure out how to respond different than I would normally, but I think I did a pretty good job.
Thank you so much to this group!! For the first time in months I feel like things are a little better off. It's not like we've turned a corner. My W is still w/OM AFAIK, but I don't need to think about that today. She reached out to me as a friend, and I was willing to reach back as a friend (pride makes that hard) and things feel less charged and heavy.
Thanks again.

I would like some help with some guidelines. I misunderstood about communication, and now I am responding when she initiates, rather than never acknowledging her. It's now actually hard not to reach out myself once the communication has started a bit.
But still wondering if it's ok for me to keep silent on such communiques such as:
"Well, I talked to a lawyer here who can medeate for us. The many things we need to still decide are childsuport and debt"
If she chooses to move forward, I'm willing to collaborate on terms, but I don't want to give the impression that I will agree to a mutual divorce.
I don't want to go along with her without her doing all the work (including the thinking).
But I don't want to seem passive-aggressive by being silent.

If she's communicating with you about these issues at all it's a plus. I think it's best to be open & upbeat about all topics & vague on the matters of divorce. Don't encourage, but acknowledge/support as much as you can saying things like 'this is a really difficult decision' or 'I know how hard this is'... but non-committal in getting it done. Think that'd work? You're keeping the communication open without leading her to D.

So yesterday she calls me to ask if I could pay the rent for the apartment. I took this as a good sign, her including me in the apartment that she worked hard to exclude me from. The money already comes from "our" account, so no worries there. But she asked me for help and I helped.

And then! I took the kids to church last night and saw her truck there. Didn't think too much about it, but then when I went in to sit down I was looking around and saw her and OM sitting there. It set me into a bit of a tailspin. Wasn't able to pay much attention during the service. I didn't look over to them at all after the first inadvertent glance. Rushed out so I wouldn't bump into them. Saw her afterwards, but he had left, so I still have never met him.

So, my sitch has been very public for a year and a half. I'm not able to keep things modestly hidden from people. When I am sharing with people, I try not to let them know any details that they don't already know. If they don't know she is having an affair, I don't tell them. I often say something like "We're still married and I'm trying to think and act like a married man." and "I don't know why she doesn't divorce me, and I don't know why I don't divorce her."

That last part is tearing me up. Why don't I just divorce her? We are in TX, and she can D me w/no-fault. Or I could file and D her for fault of adultery.
She's not thinking at all about reconciling. She is working hard to make her new life work. I'm tired of propping it up for her to get things into place. I'm tired of living out of my trunk. I'm tired of limbo. I'm tired of loving someone who doesn't love me.

I've seen it said on here that if you're not sure if you are done, then you have another day in you. I'm not sure if I want to spend my last days growing colder and sadder and pining away. I can survive another day. But I don't want to die for something that's already dead.

I feel your pain. I can honestly say that loving someone who doesn't love you back is the hardest thing ever. But, as I keep telling myself, perhaps one day I will look at it as the most rewarding thing ever.

None of us know what tomorrow will bring - including the WAS - let go only when YOU are ready to let go. I applaud you for standing for your marriage and behaving like a married man.

Intact, thank you so much. I've been reading your thread and finding a lot in common.

You can, but I'm not sure it'll bring the closure you're hoping for. I really think GAL does more for helping us heal and move on than D does.



It's also said a lot on here that you'll know when you're well and truly done. For some people it's after a few days. For others it's weeks, months or even years. That's your call.