FY, your patience and dedication to your W are amazing. That's true love, right there. It seems there's a little shift going on inside of her. It's good the two of you are doing things together and having positive experiences together. I hope one day she figures out how lucky she is to have a husband like you. (((((((((())))))))))
Extremely substantial update here. Advice seriously needed. First a little background.
My W's older brother took sexual advantage of her when she was about 10-11 years old.
In March 2012, 3 months after her Mom died, W and I were having drinks together one night. I could already tell she had been distancing herself from me. She passed out, and while attempting to wake her, I ended up fondling her. When she awoke, she cried and said I tried to rape her. Told me to leave her alone and went off to another room. The next morning I told her how sorry I was, but she didn't accept it. The following day I got the bomb.
She did say that while the incident was horrible, it alone was not the reason she wanted out of the M. I believe the incident only brought what was eventually coming, to a head sooner, and of course made things worse.
I wrote an email of apology a few days latter, but she would not accept it.
Then today, I found this drafted, unsent email in our joint email account, dated 6-5-13. It was not addressed to anyone.
Quote:
I have tried to get over that incident, but I don't know that I ever can. This has been a horrible year. You said you would fix it,you haven't. I am still hurting and some days barely making it by because I feel like my life has hit a deadend. I try to keep busy, but between the neglect during the funeral, disconnect from me and my family for decades and then that night I cannot seem to let it go enough to allow you back into my world, my bed. You repeatedly took complete and uncalled for, inappropriate liberties with me when I was at my worst; at a time when I should have been able to know that I was safe. I was not safe. And when you were finally done with me you left me abbandoned like a whore, uncovered, uncared for, cold and distroyed. How am I suppose to happily embrace you ever again?
Wow. So I'm not sure how to proceed. Do I acknowledge that I found it? Bring up the subject without acknowledging the email? When I copied it to save to my work email account, it changed the "date modified". So if W looks at it she likely would know that I have seen it. Maybe she wanted me to. I don't think she would "accidentally" leave this where she did.
The even bigger question of course is how can we ever work through this. *sigh*
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You don't know if she left that intentionally, their mlc-minds can make them forgetful. I can't tell you how many times W left papers, notes, etc laying around, and she most likely did not want me to see them, she got distracted and forgot to "hide" them. Or maybe she did...if so, I bet you will notice a change in her, maybe looking to see if you saw...or not. Maybe she journelled via email and has been sending her notes to another email addy then deleting the "sent" folder emails...W journels via her email "notes" software...point is, you really just do NOT know what intention she had until she reveals it.
i would sit tight, and definitely call a DB coach asap, or your therapist...
As Snodderly says, sit still, be quiet, the answers will come...
I feel for you, my W, as you know, had similar childhood events...it's hard to learn the differences in how people experience and remember things. I was floored by how W remembered and/or experienced some things through our M...not the same way I experienced/remembered them...that's the tough part about subjective experience...like "eye-witness" testimony...
Hang in there!!! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Oh Lord, Forever. Your poor W. The whole thing is horrible. That final thought "when you were finally done with me you left me abbandoned like a whore, uncovered, uncared for, cold and distroyed." You know that is not what happened at all, but in her confused MLC state, that is how she remembers it.
I agree with T^, that you cannot know if she deliberately left the email in the hope that you would read it. I often pour my heart and soul out to my H, or reproach him about something, in unaddressed emails I never plan to send. (I leave them unaddressed after hitting send in error once) In fact, I cannot sleep and was just going to write one to the Russian Tramp when I saw the email notice that you had posted on your thread.
My opinion is that you shouldn't say anything to her yet. If she left it deliberately, she might bring it up herself, or ask if you've read it. Or maybe you'll be able to tell from her actions as T^ said. If she did not leave it deliberately, she will think you were prying into her private thoughts.
Talking to your DB coach is a good idea. But good luck with talking to him in a hurry, mine can't speak to me until Monday.
I'm sorry you got this painful glimpse into your W's swirling thoughts, especially that she feels like she's barely making it. Someday when she wakes up, she'll realize what a good, steadfast man you've been during this difficult period, and how you always did your best to support and love her.
what a blow this must have felt like when you found it.
IMO, even if she did accidentally-on purpose leave that email there, she may not be ready yet to discuss the issue. This could have been her way of passively letting you know her thoughts because to actively do so would be too difficult.
I'd say for now, wait. Wait until you've spoken to a counselor, and wait to see if there are any changes in your W.
Just musing here, but I wonder how your wife would handle finding something you accidentally-on purpose wrote and left in the same manner? I'm not suggesting this, at least not for right now but I do wonder if this is perceived as a sort of "safe" route of communication.
Praying for you.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
FY, I am so sorry about what happened to your wife so long ago. I think your wife left the draft there so that you could read it and understand how she is feeling at this time. She's still reliving that horror in her mind every day and does not know how to discuss it verbally right now. She's putting her thoughts on paper to help her work through her issues from that time long ago.
I would sit quietly and wait. There will be more shared w/you in time if you can do this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks T2 and Linda. I will sit and wait. Things have been on an upswing so I'll stay the course.
Last night W went out with GF to celebrate GF's new job. When she came home she happily told me the details of the night. Said the place was an older crowd, and they felt like the women there were not happy with them showing up. They met a judge and lawyer who were much older than them. She told me that when one of the guys was ready to leave he said "Well, are you ladies going to come home with me, or not?" They answered, Ahhh... No.
W told me the lawyer said "Well, if you ever need a D lawyer, give me a call." I asked her what was her response and she said she just laughed about it.
So yeah, except for me finding that email, nothing really has changed. I hate that she may know that I read it though. (because the date got modified)
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I just wanted to say that I am sorry to hear what happened to your wife as a child. Children are so precious, so trusting, so innocent - and when someone steals that innocence away from them, it is a sad, sad thing.
I agree with the others, wait to see if she brings it up.
In the meantime, you have a glimpse into her mind, although their thoughts and feelings can be ever fleeting.
You are a good man, and I know how much you love your wife. Thinking of you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I haven't been reading as much on the forum lately, but saw this shocking news with this email.
I'm so very sorry. How much pain is inflicted through these childhood traumas that last so long into the adult years!
You have been a long and faithful H to your W but she can't see it b/c of this terrible block of pain that she has.
But I do think, it was probably just how she was feeling at that moment. Just like a few days ago I was crying bitterly alone, thinking how I couldn't go on with my H any more. I knew things were better but my emotions felt so hurt I felt I couldn't live with what he had done in the past, or some careless, hurtful habits he has now.
But, overall, things are on the upswing, like you said, so I'll stay the course. And I don't feel like that very much. Your W may not either. Just when she gets in touch with this terrible pain for the past and blames you for the tragic emotional injuries suffered as a child.
Just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you and her.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Oh Fy, I am so sorry for what happened to your wife. And I am so sorry you found that email. I am sure it was very upsetting for you.
I agree with the others that I wouldnt do anything right now.
I know that sometimes when I journal when I am upset and then look back on it days later, I am astounded by what I have written because I no longer feel anywhere near that way.
She is hurting, to be sure. I do hope she gets the help she needs. She is processing stuff and trying to get a handle on it all.
And I hope you continue to remember that there really isnt anything you can do for her. This is something she needs to figure out herself.
