Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I am at a loss on what to do anymore.

I'm not sure what you mean, above. What stuff are you not sharing and whom are you not sharing it with?

As far as what you did not understand in my previous post: what I was trying to get at is, as you are working on being nice at your coach's recommendation, consider what you do or say, is consistent with that advice.

So for example, snooping is not consistent with GAL, PMA, nor "being nice". Nor would asking for disclosure, nor would requests for your H to work on the M.

As far as being all over the map, it is important for a LBS to stabalize themselves... their emotions... emotional detachment from the sitch (the bad stuff he may say or do). Otherwise your emotional chaos will reflect in how you behave and your H won't see any consistency.

I hope that made sense.

This isn't easy, but it does get better. It sounds like you are making progress and that is awesome. Keep working on it and you will be a DB pro in no time.

One of my posts went missing.

Before this situation, I would come home and just talk to my husband about my work day or my day or just life in general. For example, the day I had my performance review at work, in the past I would call him and tell him how it went and we would talk about it at home. The goods, the bads, the nothings. This year he knew it happened because he had his own and we talked about it. I never volunteered mine and he never asked – if he had asked I would have shared.

Other stuff I use to share was just general conversation stuff like I ran into so and so at work or did you see that a particular movie or event is coming to town. I use to share when I got home but I don’t anymore. One big one was when I was training for my marathon (I finished in January). I would call him after every run and tell him how it went. He stopped answering the phone. For awhile I would volunteer the information when I got home, I stopped doing that.


I hear what you are saying but am confused a bit. Maybe this is my ultimate problem.

In general I agree snooping is not consistent with my action plan; however, I know that I have a tendency to fall into a false sense of reality. If he comes home on time, leaves on time, doesn’t disappear, etc. I start to assume he has ended it with the OW and that we are working our way back. This sometimes does me more harm. When he travels, I get much stronger because I know he isn’t with me and I cannot control what he does so I GAL, generally have a PMA and am nice when I do talk to him. I do not snoop when he is away anymore. I think I have mentioned I have significantly curtailed my snooping; no more cell phone, email, and whatever else I did. Once I had confirmation of the PA – I stopped. What was the point? Now I have one source that is reliable with information when it is provided; but not reliable in providing all the information. I hope that made sense. Unfortunately or fortunately however you look at it, I think he may have found out about this source and will avoid this now or send misinformation on purpose.

As a side note, I was told to work on being nice to him if he is nice to me. I throw meeting the OW at a bar during work hours into the category of “not nice”.


I am probably all over the map. I am getting better at not getting on the rollercoaster with him. I liked the line about just saying something to yourself about no thank you I don’t want to ride today. It makes me laugh. Sometimes though I get sad and I know I cannot show him, but it was like I said earlier about the movies. Why did he go if he didn’t want to try to have fun? Why go and be a grump? I still enjoyed the movie but I honestly wondered why I invited him. Any suggestions on balancing my need to invite him against my unwillingness to spend time with the grump? My need to invite him stems from wanting to work on us and not abandoning what chance we have.

He doesn’t fight with me, pick on me or any of the other traditional mean behaviors. He doesn’t blame only me and actually tells people I am great; not in front of me. I hear from them later. His words are not what are my problem. His actions are – he seems very unhappy and it is hard for me to see. I want to help him. I know he caused the situation he is currently in and I will take only my share of the blame for our marriage not being a priority. He is the martyr type and I think he is depressed. I do not know if it is situational based or something different, but I have asked him to see a therapist and until recently he has done nothing about it.

The post that went missing stated another element of my action plan – I am not suppose to initiate a hug good night. My coach told me to go two nights which I did and then on the third night if appropriate I could offer one which I did. Last night was the third night – the hug was odd.

So I have been reading through some of the Veteran’s Posts and am wondering if GAL actually caused some of my marital problems to begin with.

I look back over my marriage to see how we started down this path. I know we were “growing apart” long before his significant travel started. I was busy and happy except I was lonely. I invited him to participate in the things I was doing and even proposed some I thought he would be interested in but he always turned me down. I kept doing what I was doing and the distance grew. I look back to see what he was doing and it wasn’t much – work and occasional happy hour and then the travel. He complained that we always took the same types of vacations but when I asked what he wanted to do he gave no interest in selecting something different. Then his significant travel started and we grew even more apart and then entered the OW.

I took a huge step away from that life I had when I learned of OW and now am trying to rebuild but I now questions what happened.

stungBT,
I know it's a hard road that you're walking but keep going. Take encouragement that others are walking your same road.
I can't offer any advice but can offer my prayers and encouragement.
Jamkel4
H 35 W 39
M 12 T 13
Bombshell 4/3/13
Separated 4/6/13
Still separated.

Thank you. I appreciate the encouragement and prayers

Does it matter what he is going through? Do I need to figure this out - Depression, MLC, something else?

No, you don't need to figure it out. Your work is the same regardless, and it seems like DB-ers have a tendency, once they latch onto a "diagnosis" of their spouse to either become complacent in themselves because it's their S's (depression, MLC, etc) and nothing you need to fix in yourself, or else become obsessed with fixing their spouse's problem, which is both counterproductive and impossible.

GAL does not equal neglecting your marriage. If you were strong, independent, busy, fun, active on your own within your marriage, those are not reasons for your marital difficulties now and those are not things you should have gone back and changed in order to have a better marriage. However, you are in a new playing field now. You are not in a committed marriage when one of you is trying to leave it. GAL is what you need now, for you, to maintain and build your self confidence, attractiveness, dignity, to keep from obsessing over your sitch, and to get yourself healthier as quickly as possible. Because a bomb in your marriage can be devastating, can shake the very ground under your feet, GAL is your way of putting your own ground back under your own feet, and learning how to be OK no matter what. So no, GAL is not what hurt your marriage, and GAL is good and necessary.

It sounds like you became disconnected from each other due to distance and neglect of the relationship. While he's in a relationship with an OW, you can't 180 that and try to be the connected spouse he always wanted, because he doesn't want that now. All you can do now, is work to be a woman only a fool would leave. How would you define that, and what can you do to be that? While you give him space and time, what might he notice different about you that might get him thinking WTH he has gone and done?

Thanks adiniva for saying that.

I don't want to go home. I am panicking. I do not want to deal with him; I do not want to look at him – all the memories of the things he has done are coming back to me in droves. I want to run away and escape. I don’t want to pretend anymore. PMA is fine if I wouldn’t have to go home. I don’t want to deal with him. How do I fix myself so that I am consistent?

So I am posting to keep myself from going into his room to give him a hug. He came to my room to say goodnight but all I got was a wave. A wave - we are getting further apart not closer. I know it's been a short time so I am only wanting more to want more.

There was a baby step forward - he asked about my day after I asked about his. Normally i ask he would say something and i would ask a follow up. However he never asked about mine. This time I had no follow up and this is when he asked. i then made a comment that both our comments summed up jobs at our company.

This past weekend I ordered a present for myself online and it came today. I a as excited and played with it for awhile. It's part of my GAL plan.

StungBT,
I have those same overwhelming feelings of running away from the situation. Especially when you feel like the whole world has turned upside down. I've tried to let those feelings wash over me in waves and wait until they pass before I act on anything. Call a friend or family member that will be firm with you and encourage you to keep pushing forward.
I hope it helps.
Jamkel4