But, I think in order to move forward it is helpful to take the focus off of your feelings for your W altogether. It doesn't mean those feeling don't exist, it is that they need to leave the forefront of your mind so you can focus on yourself.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I ask that some of you read and give me suggestions based on the conversation content and based on the dance of how we talk.
I'm going to be brutally honest, so strap yourself in That was such a milque-toasty, wishy-washy conversation that I actually shuddered while reading it. Remember your DB'ing- you need to show her a confident, strong, sexy you. You have to be sure of yourself! Stalwart.
Originally Posted By: jp787
W asked this question before (About kissing) and I said I would think about it and try to find an answer.
How long ago did she ask? Because you STILL didn't answer her. "I don't know" is a poor answer that smacks of insecurity and confusion. You told her that the first time she asked, and that you would think about it and try to find the answer, but here you are again telling her "I don't know". You're sending her a message that says "I don't know who I am or why I do the things that I do, and I can sit around and think about it and still not know." So figure it out. My guess is you were undergoing some form of depression. THAT would have been an answer she could wrap her arms around- "I was going through depression, I didn't realize it at the time but now that I've emerged from it and can look back, I can clearly see what happened to me and the mistakes I made. I'm committed to never letting that happen again." Own your mistakes! Figure them out, make them black-and-white, talk about them, discuss why you'll never do them again. And do it with confidence!
Quote:
I do know that it makes me sad and very angry that I was like that.
Don't make this about you. What about how it made HER feel?
Quote:
M: Yes I did. I am sorry you felt that way. I feel responsible.
You are not responsible for her feelings. Let her own her feelings, you need to validate her feelings, not take responsibility for them.
Quote:
M: Thank you for asking W. If all I can do is to listen and try to answer your question than that is what I will do. I wish there was more I could do. I wish I could take your pain away. I know I can't. Thank you for asking the questions W, really.
Ugh! Enough with the pity party already! Show some strength, confidence and integrity! You can be sympathetic to her and validate her emotions without constantly berating yourself.
Quote:
After many times of asking, I said it may be because it makes me think of my mother.
Ummmm, wow? Her private parts make you think of your MOTHER? [slaps forehead with hand] Just don't go there again, LOL! It doesn't matter how "honest" that is, there are some things you just shouldn't say!
Wow JP! Your W seems to be moving a little closer to you. I totally agree with AS. You have got to put your bog boy pants on and take charge of you. I think you could really have a chance with W if you can become the strong postive JP we all know that you can be. She has to see a confident person who is working on themselves. I know you woory about her talking to OM, but I eally beleive if you become the best you and confident person that you can be that your W will respect you more and eventually understand why she can't talk to OM. Its about respect for y'alls marriage. You can do this!!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I'm going to be brutally honest, so strap yourself in
Thanks.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Ugh. W asked why I didn't like to say I loved her, why I didn't want to have sex with her, why I stopped kissing her, why I didn't like to touch her.
I said I wasn't sure but I think it had something to do with fear and that that probably wouldn't make sense. She said not it didn't.
I said I would explain it more as I came to understand it more.
Idk y I was like that...
Wait...hold on a sec. Where does your R with your W stand? I've been reading through your threads, but am confused. I see parts about being friends, other stuff going in her life, your processing of your own emotions, etc. Where do you two stand right now?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Ugh. W asked why I didn't like to say I loved her, why I didn't want to have sex with her, why I stopped kissing her, why I didn't like to touch her.
I said I wasn't sure but I think it had something to do with fear and that that probably wouldn't make sense. She said not it didn't.
I said I would explain it more as I came to understand it more.
Idk y I was like that...
Wait...hold on a sec. Where does your R with your W stand? I've been reading through your threads, but am confused. I see parts about being friends, other stuff going in her life, your processing of your own emotions, etc. Where do you two stand right now?
-PM
Sorry, this question she asked was about before BD, when she was reaching out to me.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I ask that some of you read and give me suggestions based on the conversation content and based on the dance of how we talk.
I'm going to be brutally honest, so strap yourself in That was such a milque-toasty, wishy-washy conversation that I actually shuddered while reading it. Remember your DB'ing- you need to show her a confident, strong, sexy you. You have to be sure of yourself! Stalwart.
Originally Posted By: jp787
W asked this question before (About kissing) and I said I would think about it and try to find an answer.
How long ago did she ask? Because you STILL didn't answer her. "I don't know" is a poor answer that smacks of insecurity and confusion. You told her that the first time she asked, and that you would think about it and try to find the answer, but here you are again telling her "I don't know". You're sending her a message that says "I don't know who I am or why I do the things that I do, and I can sit around and think about it and still not know." So figure it out. My guess is you were undergoing some form of depression. THAT would have been an answer she could wrap her arms around- "I was going through depression, I didn't realize it at the time but now that I've emerged from it and can look back, I can clearly see what happened to me and the mistakes I made. I'm committed to never letting that happen again." Own your mistakes! Figure them out, make them black-and-white, talk about them, discuss why you'll never do them again. And do it with confidence!
It was maybe two weeks ago she first asked.
I honestly did not know, until just now and I have now told her.
I do know that it makes me sad and very angry that I was like that.[/quote]
Don't make this about you. What about how it made HER feel?
Quote:
M: Yes I did. I am sorry you felt that way. I feel responsible.
You are not responsible for her feelings. Let her own her feelings, you need to validate her feelings, not take responsibility for them. I am responsible for my actions that caused her feelings.
Quote:
M: Thank you for asking W. If all I can do is to listen and try to answer your question than that is what I will do. I wish there was more I could do. I wish I could take your pain away. I know I can't. Thank you for asking the questions W, really.
Ugh! Enough with the pity party already! Show some strength, confidence and integrity! You can be sympathetic to her and validate her emotions without constantly berating yourself.
Quote:
After many times of asking, I said it may be because it makes me think of my mother.
Ummmm, wow? Her private parts make you think of your MOTHER? [slaps forehead with hand] Just don't go there again, LOL! It doesn't matter how "honest" that is, there are some things you just shouldn't say! I do regret that, but at the time it was an honest response. I should have omitted that and not posted here.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Wow JP! Your W seems to be moving a little closer to you. I totally agree with AS. You have got to put your bog boy pants on and take charge of you. I think you could really have a chance with W if you can become the strong postive JP we all know that you can be. She has to see a confident person who is working on themselves. I know you woory about her talking to OM, but I eally beleive if you become the best you and confident person that you can be that your W will respect you more and eventually understand why she can't talk to OM. Its about respect for y'alls marriage. You can do this!!
Thanks. I feel so responsible though and acting confident idk, I want to be confident.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I eventually say something that just shows how [censored] up I really am and I regret, want to crawl into my hole and disappear.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
That was such a milque-toasty, wishy-washy conversation that I actually shuddered while reading it. Remember your DB'ing- you need to show her a confident, strong, sexy you. You have to be sure of yourself! Stalwart.