Sounds like your Love Language is "words of affirmation". He sounds like he is saying just what you need him to say. Only you know if he is sincere or just practiced.
I really worry when you mention his financial screw ups. I also Really worried about Big Lots.
Check these guys out carefully before getting too involved - I worry about you. Sounds like you want someone for the long haul so be sure you're getting what you really want.
I think it's important to realize that you'll never feel "ready". But, almost ready is what you want. I think when you start imagining yourself with someone, enjoying companionship and missing that then you're ready to dip. It's scary though! Especially when you've been betrayed. How can I ever trust again? How do I know someone is good for me? What if I'm messing up again? The anxiety is all there but nothing in life is certainty...NOTHING! A few coffee dates or dinners will tell you whether you're ready or not. If not, don't sweat it. We each have our own timetables. I waited about four years. The first couple of years I just wanted to stay sane and make sure my kids got through it. That was priority. So, if you're done with that and want to give it a try then go for it. Just remember you'll never feel "ready"!
Gineen - Happy birthday, darling! Okay, so he didn't send you a gift. Yuck! And Wii asked what I was saying out loud here - his profile pic is his schlong? WTF? I think you should report him. Help everyone out by getting this guy to have more class.
Getting back to the dating thing. My kids were younger and impressionable. I knew I had only one chance to get them through the anxieties of having separate households, and I didn't want to look back and have any regrets. I'm glad I made that choice. That was my priority and I never had second thoughts about rethinking things. I just couldn't picture dating. Period. It worked for me, and I'm not sorry I waited. Their emotional health was (and is) a price I was willing to pay to get them to adulthood intact.
For the record, Gineen, I didn't even mind celibacy. I was too tired to even miss it. Obviously, I don't feel that way now.
You could also do what my sister did when some guy sent her a photo of his package. She wrote back and said, "Wow. Is that it? It's pretty disappointing." LOL. I bet that wasn't what he wanted to hear...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I really worry when you mention his financial screw ups. I also Really worried about Big Lots.
Barb - yes, it's a worry. Since I am frugal and responsible by nature, whereas he grew up with money and always made money easily, so he didn't value it. And he was an alcoholic and made some very bad choices.
I am waiting to see how he does now. He's been sober 3 years, works his program diligently, is very insightful and self-aware. And yes, he does speak my love languages, but it is totally sincere - he's really an open book.
I'm really more worried about whether he'll start spending again once he's making more money (he says he'll out-earn me in a year and I believe he can).
I just don't think you're being picky enough. There are red flags all over just as there was with Big Lots. Words of affirmation are good but some people are smooth. Remember that actions speak louder than words. It sounds like he may have more than one addiction.
I appreciate all of your concern. And since I've never ever dated anyone who had any substance abuse issues, it's a big concern for me. I'm well aware of the relapse rates, and I know that three years in recovery is not long. The red flags are obvious.
That being said - he's just about the kindest, sweetest man I've known. He's great with my mom and my son. He's been scrupulously honest and transparent with me about his past. I do believe him when he says he's just not that guy anymore, and he HAS done the kind of work on himself and his issues that people need to do to be successful in sobriety. He's quite smart and well educated. He doesn't appear to have transferred his addiction to anything else (although he's still trying to quit smoking).
To me, the red flags are less about his addiction history,surprisingly. I worry more about him being a little bit ADD (which it sounds like he may have been as a child as well), and, like I said, he grew up with money. Also, I'm on the lookout for any evidence of mood swings (none so far) as some periodic addicts are bipolar or suffer periodic depression.
I'll be sitting back and watching to see how he handles himself and his money. And don't worry, I would never mix my finances with anybody else's (part of why I don't want to get married again).
But I'm willing to give him a chance to show me who he can be today, and so far he's passing all the tests. His ACTIONS do speak quite loudly, and they're saying good things.
2 friends from high school got together after a little reunion at my house 2 years ago. He had been divorced for a while, she was still in the first year after her husband of nearly 30 years had left her at their daughter's wedding. Her h was a cop as is one of her sons. She took early retirement (teacher) right after that & moved into her cottage not far from me. Our high school buddy got a home nearby although mostly he lives with her (her @ advised not having him there full time)
J(her new boyfriend) had done a lot of drugs growing up. I thought he had stopped using a long time ago but apparently he still smokes pot regularly. She has never smoked or used any drug ever. Her parents refuse to visit her and her cop son has disowned her because of BF. So hard on her.
We have socialized with them a bit - I have always liked both & they seem happy together - he is very good for her. She is still quite fragile.
Such a stigma attached to past addictions, obviously it is something to be aware of but many people are able to kick their addictions for life.
Most new Rs are good. Everyone is on their best behavior. Sounds like you know what to watch for. I hope he continues to be the man you want him to be
Well, this guy doesn't touch anything - no pot, no booze, no prescription drugs. Just tobacco, which he is trying to quit. He juices and exercises and takes his vitamins, meditates and goes to AA meetings regularly, volunteers in his church.
The weird thing I've noticed, is that two of my friends, upon hearing I was dating a guy in recovery, immediately focused on how hard it would be to date somebody you couldn't drink around!
(I'll have a glass or two of wine a couple of times a week, but it's certainly no hardship to forgo it). I guess that says something about those friends, huh?
The best part about dating is that you can figure all of this out before you make it legal. That is, IF you were to make it legal. You're a smart gal, Ellie. I don't think I could see you accepting a guy less than acceptable for the long haul.
At the very least, maybe your sons would smack you upside the head?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey