Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives What are you getting/looking for in dates - Part 2

25,

Thanks for your thoughts! They're great!

My dad is the oldest of 7 kids, with a span of 19 years between him and the youngest girl. My aunt is 5 years older than I am, and I LOVE having her for an older sister! He and my aunt are very close too. Hell, he drove his mom to the hospital when she was in labor with her, so go figure?

Gineen, I think what she's saying is just consider that you might feel differently when Mr. Tall, Dark and Hot shows up. We know he's gonna! Besides, maybe he'll come with his own brood, and your house will be filled with kids anyway? You never know.

My special needs kiddo has nothing to do with my age, but a chromosomal deletion that is genetic. That's not on topic here, though,

25, your brother's story made me LAUGH! It's pretty funny how life happens when we are making plans, huh?

I'm actually totally okay with wading in the pool off the marriage track for the indefinite future. I like the thought of having it all right now. I don't know if that fits into Mr. SS's plans, but we'll see. He got really deep on me last night. Normally, that sort of stuff right off the bat scares me. But I guess maybe I've changed. I just told him that I'm a snail and I like to take my feelings nice and slow... that's how I've always been, and it works for me. I guess my sense of humor turns him on. Who'd have thunk?

Gineen, hope your birthday was awesome!

And since 25 shared her stuff, can I just say how happy I am that I can't get pregnant now? What a liberating thing! If there is any blessing in the menopausal process, that's it!

NeedsGrace. Well, I can only answer for myself, and I'm pretty much an anomaly for girlhood. A friend actually told me I got my card taken away a long time ago. I hate shopping, don't watch reality TV, and I generally don't enjoy the pursuits other women typically do and enjoy. My idea of a romantic date is to go to the baseball game, have dogs and beer and hold hands. So you should probably discount what I have to say right off the bat...

I knew I was ready when the manifestation of my fantasy guy didn't make me want to bury my head under the covers. I've said no so many times over the past 8 years that it not only became second nature, but I applauded my own decision! Sometime during the course of this year, the idea started to appeal to me. Then I started to imagine myself being with someone to go to the movies or out to dinner. Once I could do that again, I knew I was at least ready to consider it if the opportunity came my way. I had a long way to go in the process - moving from the idea being appalling to appealing.

Hopefully, the others will weigh in as well.

And welcome here if you need to figure out what you want from that process. That was the whole purpose of this thread!

Betsey

Yeah, Bets, I find I've got no desire to actually marry again, even though I prefer being in a long-term monogamous relationship.

Financially, it would be prohibitive - if I lived with a guy right now, I'd lose my remaining 6 years of alimony, which I need. And I wouldn't want to marry before I start collecting Social Security, because I think I will collect more if it's based on my ex's salary than on mine.

And being security-minded when it comes to finances, I like the idea of my retirement savings being completely untouchable by anyone else.

Now - the guy I'm dating has never been married, and I know he actually would LIKE to be married. It means something profound to him about belonging, an issue that has been in his life in many forms. It may end up being a real sticking point between us at some point in the future.

I am completely with you, Ellie.

I also have financial reasons for avoiding the marital connection, and high five to you that we have this one in common. I like the idea of being someone's main squeeze and maintaining separate residences.

But the main reason is that our court order stipulates that we both provide a minimum of $500K in assets to the special needs trust (combination of retirement savings, real estate, insurance, etc.). Mr. W. and I are each other's beneficiary, and that will remain in effect for 2 more years. In the near future (when D16 turns 18 and we establish legal guardianship through the courts), we'll both change our beneficiaries to the special needs trust.

So if any guy comes into a marriage with me, he's going to have to accept that reality. I don't expect him to be happy about that, but it's what we need to do to care for our future adult disabled child. Plus I'm going to inherit from my former boss (who has liver cancer) as well. It's all going toward the cause so that D19 isn't stuck with any financial liabilities caring for her sister after we die. Our goal for her (and she is fully aware of this) is for her to be able to make decisions without having to compromise her own lifestyle to do what is best for D16.

I never did get alimony, but have friends in California who remained single until that last penny dried up. And for the record, all of you earned those pennies.

Maybe we have a bit of baggage, along with some knee jerk feminism, but I don't give a sh!t. I have a kid whose life I don't want to turn over to the system - so her dad and I are both the funding source to make that happen. I thank God every day that she has Mr. Money Bags as a dad. He's generous and does the right thing.

For the record, I don't think his former GF liked our arrangement at all. Rumor has it that he told her too bad. He'll get the same attitude from me.

Good luck with your guy if he presses that issue. Hopefully, he understands that you need the income. Especially with your XH getting remarried and undoubtedly de-prioritizing his own familial obligations and concerns?

Betsey

Yeah - right now I need the alimony to help keep all the kids afloat since he has bagged on helping them. In the future it will go towards paying off my mortgage so that I can afford to retire.

And yes, I earned every penny of it by mommy-tracking my career and supporting his.

Now, new guy has a track record of making (and losing) large amounts of money. Right now he's at the bottom, but seems quite confident he will soon be making big money again. I think his most recent experience has sobered him a bit about money issues and I'm hoping to help him hold on to more of it in the future.

My ideal would be separate residences, but spending lots of time together, with him financially able to take care of all his needs and me mine. And if he gets rich again and wants to spoil me a little - I could handle that

When are you ready to date? It is going to vary from person to person and also will depend somewhat how long your relationship lasted. I think so many people are seeking validation after a relationship ends. I know I did. But that doesn't mean you are ready. I guess i would say you are ready when you aren't asking yourself if you are ready.

kat

Cori and I live together but keep separate checking accounts. The money all goes to pay for the stuff we do together but there is security in having my own account...I know what goes in and I know what goes out.

Nick and Dylan will be 16 and 15 and Finn just turned 4 and there is no love greater than these brother have for their baby sister and if she could sleep next to them in bed, she would.

My dad is from a large family...he is 2nd oldest of 17. The youngest (my aunt) is 6 months younger than me. They are all close and frequently get together and take vacations etc....

Us cousins are close as well...even though I am 41 and the youngest was just born.

you can have super close families and distant families...I think it is all expectations

I never had a fun pregnancy experience until I had Finn and had Cori...who is so attentive and loving. IT was FUN (well...as fun as pregnancy can be)

I am a much better parent...more relaxed, more able to handle things, more fun....that I was with my boys when they were this age and I think it has to do with being an older mom...I learned a lot of valuable lessons during that stretch of time.

im with kat.. you are ready when you are no longer asking yourself if you are ready. i tried the validation thing..yuck. the low levels i felt like i was at..ugghh..lol then i decided that i dont really care if i date or not. had alot more fun. then i knew i was ready to date. since then it has been a roller coaster..lol

oh funny story.. i have a girlfriend now.. life is so weird..

Clay

Luckily with my validation I was only majorly hung up on a guy from my past...I had a major crush. He wasn't at the best place and while gave me compliments and tried to help with my self esteem, he wasn't able to be my rock when I needed one.

My second test was a bit of fun and woke up my aching heart. Old boyfriend came back into my life. If nothing else, the experience reminded me that I could feel those feelings again and that I was still attractive to someone.

I didn't rush off and sleep with anyone because I was reminded that I wanted it to mean something even now. So I am still at 2 which is what works for me.

kat

His profile pic was his d***? Hey, that rhymes! Gineen, don't let d***s like that determine what you're gonna do! I really feel for women who get that crap, it's degrading and humiliating...but there are good guys out there online. Some of us really do want to meet someone in a meaningful way. Hang in there (oops, another unintended pun!)

When was I Ready to start dating again & when did I start? 2 separate things.

I also had a couple of "crushes" which made me realize that I wanted those feelings & someone special back in my life. And those guys helped me feel better with words of affirmation & wanting to spend time with me. But thankfully - they remained friendships. Like Kat - I didn't sleep with them because I wanted it to be special, reserved for the right man & I don't have any regrets about that.

I joined the dating sites about 2.5 years after ex left when my kids told me to "get out there" - I was driving them crazy. I joined them all (there were not as many 9 years ago). I met Josh about 4 months later & the rest is history.

There is no set time to start dating again - it is different for everyone. I can oly say that in glad I really jumped in with both feet, thoroughly checked out my prospects and stuck to my morals and listened to my gut.

Josh is NOT at all who I pictured myself with (younger, lives further away, more educated etc) but our morals, values & goals lined up and that's where it really counts in my opinion.

Barb