Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Wild Horses (couldn't drag me away)

"I do know this: we test/try, but if the response is not favorable we need to back off/give space."

Oh well ! I had great hopes that casual touching might break thru somehow. Back to giving more space for me too

W went out with GF last night. Met up with GF's man friend and another girl. As usual, I didn't ask, and as usual, she told me much about their time together, even showed me pics from the night on her iPad. I wonder why she does this.

I also sometimes suspect she's living vicariously through these single people.

Today we went to a graduation party for the son of one of her long time coworkers. We've known this couple for many years, been to their house several times, and even went on a resort vacation together several years ago.

On the way to the party, W phoned another long time coworker, J, to see if he was planning to join the party. J is gay and is having problems in his relationship. I knew W and J were close, because she tells me about him all the time, but was still surprised to hear the level of sympathy and care she gave him on the phone today.

W has been opening up to others, where in the past she normally avoided social interactions whenever possible. Any thoughts on this?

We had a good time at the party.

Glad you had a good time at the party FY!

I find the scenario with your wife and the pictures on the iPad interesting...

My H has hated having his picture taken during this time, and when he has, it doesn't even look like him. He looks very strange in pictures, uncomfortable. Expressions that I've never seen before, sometimes seeming very sad.

So I wonder why your W takes so many pics, and seems to enjoy looking at them?

It's also interesting that she seems to take pics every time she goes out. I understand special occasions or events, but it's a little odd to chronicle every time you step foot out the door to go to a bar or restaurant. It's almost as if she wants to capture every moment - but again, why?

As far as being more understanding, I take that as a huge positive. They do seem to experience a total lack of empathy, where they care about no one but themselves. No ones problems are greater than theirs, no one has it worse than they do.

Showing care and concern for others can only be a good thing, so I hope she keeps progressing in this area.

Keep on bustin my friend!

I'm not sure I see the oddity in this? Somebody who feels "disconnected" and "lost" and "forgetful" of things would do this quite often, wouldn't they? As a way to see their life and gain perspective?
Seems normal to me. Might seem odd to you because she is struggling to put her life together (back together) after the "explosion". It seems pretty normal to me that somebody who went one direction to the extreme would go the other with fervor seeking "balance" of some sort.

Just because she's angry doesn't mean she knows why nor intends to stay that way. Walking away from old friends, family, etc. Seems to me she would eventually want to reconnect with that part of her life in a different and non-threatening way.

I recall my ex genuinely not understanding why people were angry with her or thought she was nuts. She couldn't see it. By the things she tries to do and say toward me, I'd say she is still grappling with that and seeks to "create" reasons to explain it. I think somebody trying to reconnect with people they walked away from is a natural way to heal. I also think a MLCr doesn't realize the extent of the damage nor the time that has passed while they were "gone" and panicked.

Being concerned about somebody else (trying to fix?) also shifts the focus from oneself, so that seems expected to me as well.

I suspect all people want to be whole and healed. How they go about it can be very "odd" to many of us but it's their way of healing themselves. Without guidance.

Peace,
AJ

I don't know AJ, I was looking at the pictures a different way....

If "a picture paints 1,000 words" and "the camera doesn't lie", I can see why MLCers would avoid pictures of themselves. The pics may show them the reality of things instead of their reality, and we all know that's not gonna fly!

For example, if the person is make-believing they are so happy with themselves and their life, yet picture after picture has them looking sad or miserable or strange, I don't think they would want to see it.

I remember a picture incident with my H that has stuck with me.

Last spring, he was cutting the grass and the boys were following him around with their toy mowers. I thought it was cute, and took a picture.

When I showed H the pic, his only comment was, "I look ugly."

My H isn't ugly, not by a long shot! He's actually quite attractive. But that's how he sees himself, that's how skewed his perspective is.

But as each individual is different, photos may serve a different purpose or function, depending on how they see themselves and the issues they are dealing with.

I think if anyone doubts MLC is real, look at pics of your S before/after. It is chilling. And quite telling too.

Agreed TVS, I see the same dynamic with W...the good thing is that the physical changes seem to be reversing a bit as W climbs out, though not 100%. It is interesting that the crisis amplified one of the things she was most afraid out..."losing" or the changing due to age of her looks. But that "younger" person comes through when she has those moments of peace, or laughter, etc.

I do know she has been, when in deep depression, avoiding pics of the kids and our old life, and the new/recent good times as well. But had been "documenting" her changes via pics of herself, so AJ is correct as well I think, just everyone plays it out differently, with different inner motivations.

Guess it goes to show that your inner state has a lot to do with your outer appearances.

Maybe that is why the GAL and PMA efforts help us...

Back to the garden for me now, gotta look younger and more attractive, don't ya know. Maybe I can get my cat to spray me again, need some giggles... lol...
T^2

As for the pics, W often avoided being in pics pre crises. Never liked attention being drawn to her because she never really liked herself. But now she is opening up and coming out of her shell... something I always hoped she could do. (without bailing on me of course!)

It's her new life outside the M where she is beginning to like herself, and considers it pic worthy. My question is why is she going out of her way to show me these pics? I'm thinking this is a good thing, no? Allowing me to be part of her new life?

==========

Today W and I were talking about the party we went to yesterday. She lamented the fact that the hostesses Dad, a lovable guy who was at the party, has serious health problems related to lifestyle choices that he just refuses to change. W then went on to say "but at least he's a happy person", and how one can do everything right health wise, but still not "be happy".

(gosh I'm beginning to hate this silly idea of "being happy", like you either always are or always aren't...) :rolls eyes:

So... figuring this is an open door, I say...

Do you consider yourself a happy person?

W: At times. I know I have some issues and things I need to work on/figure out. I figure something's gotta give soon.

I could hardly believe my ears!

Me, In a very matter of fact manner: "That's what I figure."

Then after a short pause, I went on to say that I believe everyone needs to figure out their own happiness.

I didn't want to press the subject any more, so we soon moved on. And no, she never asked me if I considered myself a "happy" person!

Some of the changes they make in MLC are good, right? Being comfortable with one's self and being at peace is what one should have at the journey's end. I think it is brilliant she is sharing with you. This tells me she cares about what you think and what you think of her. Something my husband told me straight out one time, and he was very timid about doing so, was "you won't believe this, but your opinion is all I care about." It made him seem very vulnerable to reveal that.

That is so similar to how convos with my H will go. When I think we might be having a convo and I'd love for him to ask me how I feel about something, he doesn't. He answers the question and that's it. Just another sign this is all about them right now.

That was a really good convo with your wife. She is looking at other people, and sympathizing, even if it may be self reflection. But I think it's huge that she can recognize that she is has areas to work on.

I had the convo about happinesses comes from inside me and that no one or no thing can make me happy with my husband quite awhile ago. He brought it up around five months after I said it. They hear it. They absorb it. Maybe they bury it for awhile. But who knows when these little tidbits you give them will come back to you.

Today W and I were talking about the party we went to yesterday. She lamented the fact that the hostesses Dad, a lovable guy who was at the party, has serious health problems related to lifestyle choices that he just refuses to change. W then went on to say "but at least he's a happy person", and how one can do everything right health wise, but still not "be happy". 

(gosh I'm beginning to hate this silly idea of "being happy", like you either always are or always aren't...) :rolls eyes:

So... figuring this is an open door, I say...

Do you consider yourself a happy person?

W: At times. I know I have some issues and things I need to work on/figure out. I figure something's gotta give soon.

I could hardly believe my ears!

Me, In a very matter of fact manner: "That's what I figure." 

Then after a short pause, I went on to say that I believe everyone needs to figure out their own happiness.

Great job of validating, FY, great conversation. 

I don't agree with your W, that doing everything right healthwise would necessarily make a person happy, but more along the line you said, that everyone needs to figure out their own happiness. And it helps to look at the good, to be grateful for what we already have, and to trust in God. 

My H is a negative person. He claims he has a "Russian soul" and always sees the bad in everyone. He's been too old, too poor, too sick his whole life. I remember him wishing we had a maple tree about 20 years ago, but it was "too late" to plant one. It would have been mature already!!

How great that your W sees she has some issues she needs to work on! But are you apprehensive that she thinks something's gotta give soon? It might be wonderful!