Good advice ETC... I will go back and re-read it.. it always does help.. and I have about 50 bookmarks from this site.. from different post dating back 10yrs or more that I will go read.. they always seem to set me straight.
I am in no rush to move on... but I can tell it's coming.. it's changing inside of me... and even thou I don't like it.. I see no point in stopping it.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
I am in no rush to move on... but I can tell it's coming.. it's changing inside of me... and even thou I don't like it.. I see no point in stopping it.
I think typically you wouldn't start with filing to solve issues - I regret jump starting that at the beginning of my journey. In my sitch, we're still M, but W is starting the process (I'm not fighting it). I think where you're at, it makes more sense at this point. As long as you're OK with either outcome (i.e., getting back together or getting D), I'd say the time might be right for the filing process to begin. Check out those pages for exact advice. MWD puts it better than I could.
Praying that all goes well for you either way!
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I am not really scared of starting the process of D at this point.. to me it's just a piece of paper.. this thing called MLC doesn't follow any rules.. it does what it wants.. and on it's own time.... period..
Now that being said, I have a very good friend who's wife went thru MLC.. (they have two older boys) but it was bad..she had a peace bond on him....she had a younger OM.... they didn't speak a word for almost two years...divorced..... he moved on ..started dating and everything..
but now after 7 years they are getting back together.. they have been dating for a few months and plan on moving back in together as soon as her house sells. Point is you never know when or how things are going to end up.. a simple piece of paper is not going to keep you together.. the true deep love and friendship that was there before MLC is what will bring her back if it's meant to be.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Point is you never know when or how things are going to end up.. a simple piece of paper is not going to keep you together.. the true deep love and friendship that was there before MLC is what will bring her back if it's meant to be.
Bingo! You've got a great attitude! The way I look at things right now in my sitch is that my W is just another possibility for the future. Right now, I really don't know her anyway and I actually think the MLC is good for her to get to the bottom of some issues she needs to figure out for herself. It's a weird place to be, to lovingly detach to the point where you're totally OK with losing your W.
I'm also OK with starting over with someone else in the future when I feel ready. I refuse to do that though until after I've been formally D'd and fully detached. It wouldn't be fair for another person to get involved with them until I've dealt with all my own issues anyhow (and I've got plenty!). So, I just look at all this as my own little MLC journey, only I'm trying to take a healthy approach and I'm learning tons about life. In a certain sense, this is the best thing that ever happened to me. My main concern is how it's all affecting my kids, b/c I know they're having a rough time with this. That's where I wish I could "fix it", but I know that approach would be a cheese-less tunnel. I can only work on myself.
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Yes I agree.. this is not easy on the kids at all.. I know her D has reached out to me for help and answers.. I don't have any... and if I interfere with her D the W gets extremely upset and won't let me see her at all.. even thou she is not mine, I did help raise her for 9yrs. You and I are grown ups and have big shoulders so we don't mind carry the weight of this.. but kids don't understand it.. regardless of the age.
I must say.. you also have a great attitude about this. I am going to go over and read your stitch.. see what I can pull from them.... and who knows maybe I will have an answer or two for you as well. haha MLC is a mean cruel teacher... but a good one.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Thanks for the encouragement Negril!! I love the support on this board. My only concern at times is that it's wide open to the world to see. Sometimes I wonder if this board should be locked down more so only registered users can read. Perhaps I'll bring that up to the admins. I'm often paranoid about how much I should share here.
You mentioned the affect on kids. There was a point where my older kids were really mad/frustrated with W. They really went over the top with their anger and I had to try to get them to a point where they can try to love their mom no matter what. It was during that time that I tried to explain MLC to them. They sort of get it. My W was actually happy that I cooled them down during that time, but now she's upset b/c it all puts me in good light and seem manipulative. WTF?! I'm at a point where she can be mad at me all she wants, but I still won't tolerate my children ripping their mom apart. It's quite an odd place to be for sure. In the end it will all make for a great novel.
I'd love to hear any advice you have for me!!
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
If she is a true MLC.. then right now you can do no right... she has you pegged at the root of all of her problems.. and even thou you are 100% right to protect your kids.. she probably sees it as you trying to "win" her back... and right now it's the last thing she wants. But you have to do what is right when it comes to your kids... regardless of what she thinks... Her version of a good parent is not what it use to be I am sure.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
If she is a true MLC.. then right now you can do no right... she has you pegged at the root of all of her problems.. and even thou you are 100% right to protect your kids.. she probably sees it as you trying to "win" her back... and right now it's the last thing she wants. But you have to do what is right when it comes to your kids... regardless of what she thinks... Her version of a good parent is not what it use to be I am sure.
You are SPOT ON! Amazing how this works.. This esp. resonated: "Her version of a good parent is not what it use to be I am sure."
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
ONE YEAR UPDATE TIME: I wish I was one of those success stories that happens quickly... but as most of us know.. the true MLCers don't cure themselves that fast.. Not must good to report in regards to my W.. she is still in replay.. still with her boy toy.... I hear from her every month or so.. we may text back and forth for an hour or two..all very light stuff.. no R talks.. then off she goes..... She is NOT the person I feel in love with anymore.. although I do still love her.. (the old her).
It has taken a full year to finally get to the point where I am 95% detached from her MLC. I still come here almost everyday to read. I have read and re-read a lot of different post on here for direction and inspiration.. I will say I encourage people to re-read old post that may have read and bookmarked months ago. I know the further detached I get and go back and read something it takes on a new meaning now that I have a better hold on myself and my emotions. I am not sure how much longer I am going to stand for my M. If I was getting more positive feedback I probably would stand longer... but since there has been none.. I don't see it lasting much longer. I am very grateful that I have stood this long because it really has given me a chance to work on myself.. I am starting to feel more whole and alive than I have in a very long time. Friends and family have all noticed my changes which is nice to get positive feedback. I will say I was only truly able to start working on myself once I decided to to go very dim about 6 months ago. it really was the key in taking the focus off of her and putting it on me. I will always love my W... and maybe one day God will bring us back together... or maybe not.. either way is ok. A year ago I thought my world was ending and my life was over, and now I see it really is just beginning.... Like others have said before .... no I wouldn't have choose this to happen... but in a lot of ways I am glad it has. I only hope that one day my W will be able to learn the lessons I have learnt from all of this
Bottom line is.. If you do the work on yourself and let go of your spouse.... Things do get soooo much better.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
