Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Being patient.

Mtnman, thank you for the nice thoughts on mothers. It was very sweet.

How did the weekend end up going for you, W and boys?

Hi rH! Weekend went well. We all went to the S9 baseball game Saturday morning and then had lunch at home. W had a tea with her mother that afternoon and went out with girlfriends that evening. The boys and I loaded up and went dirt bike riding until dark.

Sunday W came up early to get ready for church. The boys bought W a laptop for Mother's Day. Ok, I did but you know how that goes. After church I got takeout for her and her mother, took pics, etc. W then ended up napping the rest of the day to recover from the night before. I sat outside in the sun and napped too. Later that evening she showed me pics from the night before. Friend looked crazy and I told her so. W agreed and said she was crazy and it wasn't as much fun as she hoped. It was all I could do not to tell her that's where she's headed, but I was good.

Today she left work early and napped all afternoon again. She isn't dealing with all the pollen real well.

So, it was a good, busy weekend. Several comments about future "we" stuff, wore the non-wedding ring on her wedding finger all weekend, and spent lots of time here.

A mutual friend approached me at church and asked if we were back together. I said no, still working in it. I didn't ask why she thought that, but I'm curious now. Probably because we're together at church and get along well.

The preacher called me to come down to the church today to talk. He asked the same. It's like everyone assumes we're good because of how we're acting. I wish it were so, but just being patient still.

I'm not sure if I need to do anything more or different. We are "normal" except for the physical part. Unfortunately, the physical part is what makes a marriage more than a friendship. It's truly all that's lacking. It still has me at times thinking she's going to say ok I'm going to start sleeping at home so make room. It's too normal at times.

I'd love to have thoughts on what I can do to make W attracted to me, or is it a process that the mlcer goes through where it comes naturally. I don't want y'all to think I sit around worrying about it, but I just don't understand how they change their feelings toward us.

MtnMan - a very good question. Afraid I can't answer it at all, as I feel i am the same place.

We are getting along like we did years ago, relaxed, having fun (at times), taking kids out together, going to stores with each other etc. And then when the sun sets we go our own way, watch TV in our own rooms, sleep in our own rooms, W looks at new furniture for her 'new home'! From the outside people who don't know must think we are we have the perfect R.

Strange that we are both feeling this and experiencing this following death of our W's parent. I think I said before i think this is triggered by my W's mother's passing away.

It may be strange, but it’s not uncommon. My W also went into her tailspin after watching her Mom die. It awakens the reality of their time left here on earth. Causes them to reevaluate their entire life. Question everything, even who they are. These are all good things, if handled in a constructive manner.

Have you heard “I want to be independent” and/or “Discover who I am”? I have. We represent their “old” life, the old M... that they now want to run from. Time is running short in their mind too, hence the crises to “Fix” Things, and get on track…

W: “In 20 years I’ll be 70!!!” “In 30 years I’ll be almost as old as my Mom was when she died!” “I feel like I need to stop existing and start living.”

I keep going back to “We didn’t break ‘em, and we can’t fix ‘em.” Throw in the childhood issues that most of them seem to have had, and it’s little wonder they’re in such a panic.

How to be more attractive to them? I’d say be confident, strong and independent. They don’t want to be responsible for our needs. Move on with our life and be happy. A person truly enjoying their life is attractive. Others are drawn to it and want to be part of it.

I hope this helps.

Thanks FY. I've heard "I want to be free" and "I'm not the same person anymore" speeches. Similar enough to what you've heard.

I keep having to remind myself that I didn't break her so I can't fix her. Your advice did help.

Well said, Mtnman. That one's going in my list of notes.

I think this is a critical factor right now for us, MM...my W was so involved (attachment parent) with meeting the kids needs, homeschooling and old T's needs, that she just burnt out (in addition to all the rest, naturally)...she's just burnt out and hasn't much to give beyond figuring out herself and taking care of the kids basics (much less than before right now, but they also are at ages where parents should be backing off anyway, imo).

Funny thing is, some times when I have been TOO successful in accomplishing things and being happy, W got jealous, resentful...especially that I was happy IN SPITE of our sitch and all the extra stuff placed on me. She really had issues with it (that ol' jealousy/comparing thing she does) at times, especially during the "anger" stage...boy I heard it then.

Hang tight...

T^2, you nailed it right on the head! That's exactly what I was thinking. W doesn't want to be responsible for my needs (fanTAStic insight, BTW),, but she seems resentful that I'm having too much fun or that I'm not pursuing her more.

Mtnman, do you see this ad well? Perhaps W is interested again because you've been getting along just fine without her?

Yes, yes, and yes. In fact my W has said 'i could be dead in 5 years, i need to get on with my new life!' and I have also heard 'my mum died when she was XYZ that means I only have XYZ left'

She has also said 'i don't know who i am any more' and 'i need to be my own person, and want to be independent'.

I do see it some. She seems to get upset if I don't show interest. Don't even hint about attraction to someone else. Example, we are texting. All in good fun. I sent her the emoticon of a screw and then the letter u. No big deal, she had sent me the pile of crap and something else. Just playing. When she gets home she walks straight to me and says, "nice screw you, who have you been texting to learn that!", with the glare included. I laugh and said something like, I'm clever enough to come up with that on my own....blah blah. I only text with you. Her reply was, "you better be."

If I seem to be having fun she'll ask why I'm in such a good mood. Just a minute ago I walk away and leave my phone on the table. When I get back she's checking my Facebook. That would be grounds for justifiable homicide if the reverse happened.

So sure, I'm supposed to stay right where she left me.

BTW, I in no way can take credit for the I didn't break her/can't fix her quote. I can plagiarize with the best of them.

T^2 I know you're a song man. (Love 38 Special btw). I've had two on my brain lately. "Since you've been gone"-The Outfield, and "Love will find a way"-Yes

The Yes song has my favorite line when they say "love wil find a way. If you want it to." Love is a choice. This whole mlc stuff has convinced me of that.