XH asked to come over to talk to the kids "about the funeral".
XH asked kids if they wanted to speak about their great grandfather at the funeral service.
D17 said she would not go, as it was on the weekend and she had been rostered on to work and there was no-one else to take her place (her co-worker has her 21st birthday party that day). And she needs the money.
S14 asked if his father was taking OW. He said yes.
S14 said he would not go if she was to be there. He asked why OW would even need to go as she did not know the man.
There followed 2 hours of argument, threats, bullying and hang-ups on repeated phone calls by XH.
He would not budge on taking OW. Told S14 that he and I could go to the funeral and that he would stay away.
But he would not contemplate not taking her with him.
S14 was calm and pointed out how he would not be made the cause of XH not going to his own grandfather's funeral.
He begged his father to leave OW at home and to take him instead, but XH was implacable.
XH then rang me and made the following points:
I had to MAKE S14 go to the funeral with XH (&OW).
When i said that even if i could make S14 go, did XH really think it would be a good idea. and was he prepared for the probable consequences? At which point he literally screamed at me "How dare you threaten me". And hung up.
He would ring the school and get them to do something about S14's bad behaviour.
His brother had offered to drive S14 to the funeral so S14 wouldn't need to go with XH at all. (When I asked him WHY his brother would have offered to do that, XH explained that all of his family knew how I had poisoned the children against OW and encouraged them to abuse her).
I lost it at this point and told XH that he needed to cease and desist and that until he was ready to take a long hard look within himself and own his behaviour and its consequences, I would not be interested in having conversations with him again.
I know... but I am really pretty much done with this.
He then said had I looked within myself - and I explained that I had, and how I had found it a hard but worthwhile experience, etc.
I must have sounded authentic because he asked if I was seeing someone for help and advice - and when I said yes, he asked for their name so that he could see them too.
Again, so weird and so conflicted - he was spewing bile, but then this....
Later he told me that if he could afford it, he would have me locked up.
Ah, the good old days, when you could not just divorce a wife, but have her committed too. So much easier.
And at another point, when we were talking about CS and he was boasting about how little he'd had to pay when assessed recently (because he reported his salary so artificially low), I said to him that I did not believe he was himself. That the man he had been, as a father to his children, would never have behaved like this.
He replied that I had made him what he is now.
WOW!
He also told S14, later still, that everything would be fine once the D and settlement were both over. As soon as the settlement is done, everything will be so much better. S14 replied that that was "BS".
So, everyone, a little more insight into the mind of an mlc-er. Not a pretty sight.
I would really appreciate some other perspectives on this.
At this point I think I should probably just say "Go away" whenever he approaches any of us. "Leave us all alone". He is toxic.
I'm sorry, NLW. Your xh is still choosing his needs (OW) over those of your kids. That alone is the reason he doesn't have a relationship with them. He is completely delusional if he thinks things will improve when the legal matters are settled.
Until he works on himself and truly understands the trauma he caused the kids I doubt it will get better. Your kids need him to take responsibility. They need him to invest in their relationship without motives and without OW being present. He's not capable of doing that.
I understand the feeling of just wanting him to go away. The dust does need to settle a bit before you can go forward.
I have no advice regarding the funeral. It's such an emotionally charged event. What can you do to try and turn things around, especially with regard to your kids attendance? Can you offer a compromise?
It is really unfortunate that S14 has made this funeral about OW and appears to be punishing xh by not going to the funeral, because OW will be there, rather than attending his grandfather's funeral.
Also, while I appreciate the fact that D19 is schedule for work with no respite, generally speaking, most places I know make accommodations for family deaths / funerals.
Your kids will make what ever choice they want. The question might be, would they rather not go to the funeral and are using work and OW as reasons. Or are they deciding not to go and honour their grandfather and pay respects to the rest of the family (and have respects paid to them as the grandchildren) simply because of OW? They will have the rest of their lives to regret not going, or alternatively, the rest of their lives to blame their dad for them not attending.
Do you know if there is going to be a viewing and a funeral? Maybe you can "take the high road" and see if "your H" would be willing to let You take your kids for a set time and then he could show with whoever he chooses to bring (for example, maybe you and your kids can go from (6-6:45 and then your H can show up at 7)?
I would hate for you and your kids not to have closure because your H is being a selfish child. Just a thought.
Hi Kaffe, I understand the perspective, but to me, it's not S14 who has made this funeral about OW, it's XH.
And S14 is not trying to punish his father by not going to the funeral if she is there. It's a matter of trying to save himself more trauma.
He knows this woman as our family friend. As someone who went behind our backs to carry on a wrong relationship with a married man who had children. As someone who preyed on XH when he was so vulnerable - due to financial crisis that became public in a most humiliating way for our family.
She is not just someone XH met after being separated and divorced for a long time.
Their behaviour is not right; not moral. And for her to turn up now to the funeral of family member of ours whom she did not even know - what sort of person does that? To what end? To stake a claim?
The clinical literature says that damaged daughters of philandering fathers (OW) need to make their new partners sacrifice their original families - as a sign of devotion and commitment. These women are so damaged by their own fathers that they need a level of public sacrifice to reassure them that they are worthy and that the new man is really committed to them ("Look what he was willing to give up for me!").
OW is making XH sacrifice his own son's attendance at his great-grandfather's funeral so that she can go with XH.
And yes, I expect the kids will have the rest of their lives to blame their father for them not attending. Among other things.
To me, this behaviour is tasteless and cruel. I just don't understand how people can act like this.
I can accept it and withdraw. My kids don't have the ability to do that.
My only question would have been how close were the kids to this GGF? While I understand paying respects and supporting family, if there was not a connection, and the don't want to attend, let it go.
I don't think OW is making your H do anything, and never has, he's an adult who has made and is making choices.
I'm so sorry, you sound miserable.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi Labug, I was going to agree with you: Yeah, XH is an adult and is making choices...
But then it occurred to me that he is not an adult at the moment. Not mentally.
He is going through an extreme trauma/crisis. She should be able to tell that something is seriously wrong with him.
She does not. She continues to manipulate and self-serve.
But enough about her.
I am miserable at the moment. I finally filed for CS and got the assessment back. The amount XH claimed for income resulted in a cut of $150 per week off the amount that he had just started paying voluntarily for the last 2 weeks - which itself was $100 less that the amount the mediator tried to get him to pay for the kids. .
He stopped paying the bigger amount immediately. And now i am really in a hole after having budgeted his payment into our next 2 weeks' bills.
And he is crowing over the outcome: "See what happens when you get lawyers and the government involved? YOU LOSE! If you think i'm going to pay you more than i have to in terms of CS, just so you can pay your expensive lawyers, you're WRONG".
I was filling a scrip for D17 in the city when, who should I see striding across the mall in front of me, but XH. And he's got a big carry-bag of the extremely expensive chocolates that our town is famous for.
I have spent the morning on the phone with CS lawyers who have told me I need evidence of XH's expensive lifestyle to append to my challenge to his claim that his annual income is only $45,000.
So, I follow him and snap some pics on my phone.
He heads into the very up-market department store in the mall and goes downstairs - by now I've twigged.
It's coming up to 6 June - OW's bday - and he's going to the liquor department.
I follow a discreet distance away and note that he goes straight to the French Chanpagne section. Before i can snap a pic, he's turned back towards the cashier and has seen me!
So, I take a big gulp of air and say "Hi, How are you?"
He doesn't bat an eyelid, busted, as he is, with a bottle of Bollinger in one hand and a box of $100 chocs in the other.
He speaks to me politely and continues with his purchase.
I get out my phone and start to take pics, documenting the spending.
It's all done so nicely that cashier says "How nice! I'll take one of the two of you together if you like?"
I say "What do you think XH?", but quickly tell her that it's not necessary.
I do ask her how much the Bollinger is. $100 a bottle.
If he'd bought it at a local bottle shop, it would have been half the price, but no, we're talking Mr-I'm-too-important-to-save-money.
Interestingly, $100 is exactly the amount that XH now has to pay for 2 kids' support each week - i.e. for ALL their food, clothing, expenses, schooling, etc, etc.
The cashier disappears and I ask XH if he would please give the kids some money for food, schooling, going out, etc.
He says he's been assessed and that $50 each is all he has to pay. I explain that the amount depends on what he states as his income. He says he will pay more once I've agreed to his settlement offer (he wants me to pay him almost half a million!).
Stupidly, I try to explain that CS has nothing to do with financial settlement in D. That the court deals with one and the CS agency with the other. He gets livid and says: "How much is your lawyer costing you?"
I ignore and he starts getting heated and repeats "What are you paying your lawyer?"
At this point I walked away. Shaking at my audacity in taking the pics. They look ripping, BTW.
Thirty mins later i get a call from him "Hi How are you? Can I come over and bring pizza to have with you and the kids for dinner?"
We have a court hearing tomorrow re financial matters.
