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"I ended with the fact that i was willing to help her out.

Any thoughts?"

Yeah. Stop enabling her. If you don't want to pay for it, then don't.

MrBond,

Ok, i understand.

I have two questions:

One of her concerns she talked to me about when BD was she wanted to feel taken care of. If i dont help her out with a couple of bills will she then resent me even more? or doesn't it matter since she is the one who filed for divorce?

Besides GAL, what should i be doing with my sitch between now and when D is final? Act as if?

I was hoping that a Vet would have chimed in here for your questions. I am very new to this so, take this for what its worth.

Your WAS has put herself into this position all by herself. She chose not to uphold her marriage commitment to you. You should probably consider setting some boundaries with her to protect yourself. I would hesitate to make the D too convenient for her. By paying for everything she asks your setting a precedent that you will continue to do this the next time and the next.

I would think that she needs to take responsibility for her actions and learn to deal with it herself. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life, comes to mind when I think of your situation.

Continue to be lovingly detached as they say. Try not to do things for her that she should be doing for herself. She will have to learn this eventually, the sooner the better. D is devastating for all involved. Take care of yourself too.

My .02 cents, IMHO

BKS

Mr Bond,

I didnt see that you posted before I did. Shouldistillhope, Mr Bond is a vet. I agree with him. STOP enabling her.

I know detaching is hard to do. I am still working on that myself. I am preparing myself for the worst, the big D. I am also hoping for the best. Continue to follow the 37 rules. Review them again and again and again. Learn them and live them. Its hard I know but, FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT.

See Rule 8.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)


BKS

Thanks for taking time to stop by my thread BKS.

The time between her filing and when the D is final is a difficult time for me. Especially since we are seperated living in two different places.

I do not contact her unless it is in regards to our kids or something very important. She will only text me right now about the same types of things which is fine for me right now.

I am just curious if i should be doing anything different other than trying to GAL. If any vets have some advice i would appreciate it.

"One of her concerns she talked to me about when BD was she wanted to feel taken care of. If i dont help her out with a couple of bills will she then resent me even more?"

Let me put it in as simple a way as possible. She's leaving you. Why do you need to take care of her any longer? And besides, most women that say that mean that they want to be "emotionally" secure not necessarily financially. And it's part of the script.

"or doesn't it matter since she is the one who filed for divorce?"

Doesn't matter.

"Besides GAL, what should i be doing with my sitch between now and when D is final? Act as if?"

Do you understand the meaning behind GAL? It means to go and get back your self-esteem that was lost by taking your mind and heart off of your W. While she chooses a path that is destructive, YOU choose a path that nurtures. Even if it's to make yourself a better dad and man and doesn't include her.

I backslid last night big time. Went to see kids program and talked to W after about finances. Things were going well until i brought up R talk. I asked her what she truly felt in her heart about us getting back together at some point after our D was final. I could literally see her eyes glaze over and she went instantly cold. I asked her if she was willing to let me take care of her until some point in the future if she saw change we could maybe start to work on us.

As i was saying these things, i knew i should STFU but my brain and my mouth were having a war and my mouth won.

I mentioned that i would be willing to help her if she ran into trouble with her car or problems with the house, but i said i couldn't do any of these things if i found out she was dating someone else.

She instantly mentioned that i was trying to control her and i said "i see how you feel that way, and i apologize.

I then started apologizing for not being there for her the last couple years and i just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

On the drive home after my major screw up, i just felt and also feel this morning that maybe its time to give up.

I feel like an idiot.

I saw your earlier comment about her wanting you to take care of her in the M, but like Bond said, she probably meant emotionally. She absolutely does not want that right now though. She was telling you why she's done, she wasn't asking you to start showering her with attention and affection. Just back off and give her time and space.



Show her a little respect. She can take care of herself. Sounds like you want to be her dad.



Threats will go over like lead balloons right now!



I think she's right, and I think your "i see how you feel that way" response sounds like you're accusing her of misinterpreting what your intent was. But your intent was indeed control. You dangled the carrot of "I'll take care of you" out there, but then threatened with "unless you do X". The thing is, she doesn't even want the carrot so the threat has no power behind it. Besides, do you think she cares at all about YOUR feelings right now? YOU don't want her to date. Why would she care? YOU need to seek to understand HER feelings, not impose yours on her.



Don't give up, let go. You've got to let her go. You're too clingy/ grabby right now. Don't worry about the mistakes, we all make them. MWD even talks about it in DR and says to just pick yourself back up, learn from them and keep moving forward. You can do it

Thanks for the encouragement A/S,

I am at the point where i just want to vent and share some of my thoughts about what has been happeningand try to clear my head a bit.

I keep fighting the thoughts in my head whether i should move on, or keep trying. No matter what anyone says, it is almost impossible not to think about my sitch constantly. The thoughts are there constantly like a hammer beating me in the head all day long.

It seems funny how friends offer their support in the beginning but as time goes by they fade from view to tend to their own families and lives. Sure, they offer to go do things once in awhile, but the reality is, its hard to deal with all of this without having your wife by your side.

My wife has an identical twin sister who lives 3 hours away, and i am not placing blame but the truth of the matter is, whenever we had a bump in the marital road, she would go to her sister first. We never worked anything out because she always went to her sister with our problems.

I find it hard to wish my wife the best in life after all this. I know i am supposed to want her to be happy, and maybe if she does find happiness, it will lead us to a new R, but its very hard to want peace and happiness for someone who has hurt us so very much. I know over the years, my controlling nature has hurt her so much, but she didn't give me the chance to try to change. I truly didn't know how unhappy she was.

So many of you say to GAL, and hearing the words and putting them into action aren't always easy. I have been riding bike more and trying to be more healthy and stay occupied doing odd jobs for my sister and her husband, but no matter what, my thoughts about our upcoming D are never far away, if they ever leave at all. I find myself not wanting to talk to co-workers and am short and irritated quite a bit. I am trying to control these things and hopefully one day i will be able to get back to the man i once was.

Part of my frustration that is rapidly growing is the fact that i am trying to finish a couple remodeling projects on our house on the weekends. The problem is, i have my kids on the weekends and i cannot find time to spend with them while trying to finish the remodel. My W promises that she will get things done during the week, but when i get back on the weekends, there is absolutely no progress from her. My hands are full and i am having a tough time trying to get it all done and still be a good dad to my kids. There is some resentment in the fact that during weekends i have to worry about getting these projects done while she goes out with her friends.

Looking back, i realize the mistakes i have made, but I am also lonely, scared, and tired. I miss having someone there to give me a hug. I miss the physical and emotional aspects of a marriage. I miss my wife and the family we were.

I read so many others threads here and it sure seems like so many of us are going through the same things so i realize i am not the only one in the world with problems. I am not looking for pity, just want a chance to vent.

I have listened to everyones advice about letting her go and i am trying my best not to backslide, but it is awfully tough to go through a day and not text her to tell her i miss her and things will be better. (i haven't done this) but i have had a backslide or two.

I read from others that patience is the key, and i know i cannot try and change things, but when some say it could take months or even years, how does anyone want to fight for something that long. I know GAL will help and to live for myself and kids now, but when you cannot control the thoughts in your head from going back constantly to my sitch, even GAL is difficult.

I keep telling myself that this is the bottom and it will get better from here, but it seems like every day i fall farther and farther not knowing when i will finally land on my feet and begin to start crawling my way back out.

I guess God has a plan for me although i will have to do alot of work on myself first, but i pray every day that things will get better.

Thanks for letting me rant a bit and feel free to chime in about some of your own sitch's or thoughts.

Good luck everyone and keep fighting.

Did you even read my post?