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What's to discuss with her? You have a court date in June. So go to court.

She does NOT want to "negotiate" with you and why would she?

So far, All of your suggestions are for her to take less....

(Bruce, read what you write here, and tell me what else am I to infer?)

And NO you did not give her a lot of money before, NOR was it regular or reliable. You told us earlier (b/c I re read the post)

that you gave her a check ONE TIME (that she had not asked for) and at first she refused to cash it,
(You inferred that she must have felt guilty???)

but then she cashed it and you whined that someone must have influenced her or made her greedy...so did you GIVE it to her or was it just a fake gesture?

I bet You don't even know. IF there were other times you gave her money it was because she asked. And she should not have to.

Yes you are playing the judicial victim.

And you don't dig deep into yourself or examine your motivations. WHenever you get a real insight that isn't so greatly reflecting on you, you change your mind and revert to victimhood.

You barely know how to express yourself without frequently sounding selfish and manipulative and when we call you on it

you go back to the 'nice guy who wants his son' script. I don't know what is real and what's not.

Your wife warned you in France while married, that you were not helping her and that you did NOT have the same family values she had, (values you now claim to have but never showed before, and with which you now play the holier than thou routine to condemn HER for divorcing you!)

and as much as you brush it off,

people on this board know

that when it takes two YEARS for a father to even TRY changing a diaper and who never had one on one time (not even an hour!) of caring for his only child

while he was with them for over a year --

says a LOT..it almost says it all.

You took 6 months to follow her to Canada... and I suspect but don't "know", you sent no money during that time. Hmm? Don't bother answering but you know the truth...


If you were strategizing then with no contact with her for that long, all you did was prove how little you missed your son.

If you were "too busy with work" to follow her for six months, that says even more...

See, I think your wife was right to say you two do NOT place the same value on raising a family. You are very different from her.

You have wealth in France you told us about. We suggested NOT saying anything to her about money at all, but of course you did. You wanted her to waive rights to it (!!??)

but that served only as a reminder to her of it, and frightened her b/c you wanted her to give up property rights HER SON has...

so of course she told her lawyer. And refused to give up those rights.

ANd then you complained about how she did that.

She's NOT thinking of her own wealth, in my opinion.

WHen women clients told me they "wanted NOTHING" from their soon to be ex h's,

I would say "that's fine for YOU. Don't take what you don't need,

EXCEPT how does that affect your child/children? B/C if you let your pride talk and refuse money which would benefit your children, that's misplaced pride."

I think she was prideful and wanted nothing to do with you aqnd to raise her so as she saw fit. But now, after she matured some and talked to L's, she is mostly thinking of what her son deserves,

which is a chunk of the earnings of his father. I really believe that. See,

Your son is what the law refers to in Latin as "the natural object of your bounty". All your children will be.

Meaning, if you win a million dollars tomorrow, YES Bruce, the court wants HIM to have some of that million. B/C He's your son, for whom you are responsible.

And he's her son. And she knows him and she loves him.

You are his father

and the majority of your posts are about what he/she cost you in financial terms. Seriously...

You can learn from this and become a better man/father or you can stay this way.

Your choice.

But if you ever REALLY want to be close to your son, I'd choose to change.

Hello,

If I took 6 months to go to Canada, it was because I was waiting for my papers. But I did say I wanted to delay going because I wanted to spend the summer on the beach, which I remember she took very bad. Instead of being happy for me..

Anyway, while on different countries, she had her VISA card, which she used freely. The problem is, she claimed she didn't have access to the money because I was such a stingy man, but when I printed all the bank statements with her withdrawals and my L put it in the file, she stopped that claim. What was she thinking?

But you have a good point, my wanting to be with my son must look like another trick, or a revenge on her, since apparently I wasn't interested in him before. Truth is, I really love my S and want to be with him. The mission therefore, is to break her unbelief that I can actually care for S. But how to accomplish that?

Also, nothing is set for end of June. Avoiding going to court again is precisely what I'm trying to achieve.
But W does not respond to my question : "I want 50-50 with little Bruce, how do you think we can manage? Do you need a mediator involved? How can I help?"
Is she trying to see of I'm really intent or bluffing?
Is she waiting for the 18 June to serve me the divorce papers?


What do I do next?
Seriously, do I file first for pre- trial? Should I not budge?
Should I insist that my demand is not for fake and we're gonna waste some more money if she refuses to respond?

Frankly I don't know what to do. I'm taken aback and very disappointed that I can't even talk normally, like 99% of normal couples. Honestly, she exaggerating..

Her non-response is her answer.

sending her these questions is telling her you're not listening to her answer, or you don't accept it (which shows you dont accept her, and makes her feel bullied/pressured)

You cant apply what 99% of normal couples do, because you are not a normal couple. You are a divorcing couple, and non-communication is exactly how 99% of divorcing couples act.

I would guess she knows you two cannot work this out without lawyers and so is using the 18 June court date to allow the courts to make the decision, as is her right.

I would also guess that she believes that if you two did try to work out the details without the courts, that you would keep pushing until you got your way. as you are doing now by sending her the emails trying to push her to change her mind.

so what you need to do is prepare yourself and your lawyer for the court date. stop trying to pressure her with emailed questions, because you already have your answer. and allow the lawyers to do their jobs.

go and work on becoming the best father you can be, that is the only way you can get more time with your son. Make your home child friendly, know as much about taking care of your son as possible, know his favorite foods and toys and how to care for him.

Bruce, lets just look at this one statement:

"If I took 6 months to go to Canada, it was because I was waiting for my papers. But I did say I wanted to delay going because I wanted to spend the summer on the beach, which I remember she took very bad. Instead of being happy for me.."


Imagine you and a partner took a job, one that you could not quit, and a life depended on you both doing this job well. and the job is extremely high pressure, and tedious, and stressful and exhausting. It's 24 hours a day, every day. the most break you get is 2 hours in a row, on a good day. as soon as you learn what you're doing, the job changes. and you're constantly being judged by everyone around you. there are no vacations, and the only break you get is when your partner works with you and lets you take one.

your partner then leaves you alone for 6 months, so you're doing this job all alone, even though the job description clearly states its a 2 person job. and because of your partner not working with you, eating a complete meal is nearly impossible, and you very rarely sleep through the night and its a great day if you can just take a shower.

and after all this, your partner, who you havent seen, who hasnt done any of the hard work for 6 months, who has been sleeping nights, and spending time with friends, and eating good meals, tells you that they're planning on taking the summer and spending it on the beach.

How would you feel?
Whose feelings are justified?
Who is exaggerating?


Bruce, until you truly understand what she went through in those 6 months, and how painful it must have been for her to hear you want to spend the summer at the beach. or how selfish you came across to her. and then to top it off that you were upset with her for not being happy for you. until you really understand that, i believe you wont be able fix anything with her.

Hello,
the lack of context makes me look like a monster. when I said the beach thing, what I ought have explained is that I was going to resign from my extremely stressful job in France and rather than flying overnight and starting a new job in Canada the next day, I would stay a little more to rest and then fly and take on the new job. With perspective I now know it must have come across as the guy who doesn't give a fig and is thinking of himself, but it truly wasn't my sentiment.

To clarify, no court is scheduled as of yet, however two important things happen in June.

1. The 18th June it will be one year of official separation, which means she is legally entitled to file for divorce.

2. The current order runs till end of June. And I'm trying to negotiate something for after that date. Son and money wise.
If I stop the payments, I will have to pay arrears at some point and it'll look bad on me.

I understand that her withdrawal is an answer in itself. Because dialogue for refusing to give me more time, nevermind 50-50%, is not sustainable, she just doesn't engage in it.
Therefore, stop me if I'm wrong, but the only solution I have is to go see the lawyer and when end of June hits, file for pre- trial, with a request to have my Son half the time.

Or is there a way to tell W: look we'd better save us some hassle, and just grant me half time, etc...?

I don't know, women in general want the dad to be involved right? Why doesn't this one want that to?

Thanks for your great posts,
Bruce

Did you think the explanation made your beach summer idea more understandable? I would be surprised if you found any mom or dad here who thinks a summer on the beach would be remotely conceivable in the situation you were in. That you think it was, and that you think your context would help people understand, is really beyond comprehension.

I think that disconnect between things you say and things a parent would be expected to feel might be part of your W's reluctance to increase your involvement. I've seen a lot of people trying to help you develop real, not strategic, empathy and parenting instincts. I really hope you are able to make some headway there.

on a side note, the job I was in was so stressful that I considered going to a psychiatrist.

one guy was put out of service for more than 6 months because of stress and when he came back couldn't continue and left.
one of my friends got a mental illness, chronical depression from the job.

if anyone here were in my shoes, it would make sense why I was unable to catch a plane and star another job right after that one.
In fact, I wasn't able to do normal things, never mind cross the Atlantic to keep working.
My wanting to take a couple of days off was really more a medical necessity than a luxury or selfishness.

that's what I mean when I say that W should have been happy that I was able to recover.

she had her both parents to help with a toddler one year and a half. I was one foot in a mental institution. Which one is selfish now?

it is still YOU who is the selfish one,

and the fact that you are smugly confident it's her who is selfish,

is why you won't get anywhere with this woman...or us.

You simply don't get it. It's as if you truly LACK EMPATHY for any view but your own, and

Bruce, that is what I believe about you. You are UNABLE to feel for another human if it conflicts with your wants.

You are consistently selfish & self absorbed, and it'll cost you in court and in life.

THAT is the biggest problem you have.

And it's a huge one.

I'm feeling a lot of stress right now too, I'm in the middle of a divorce, my mom is undergoing chemotherapy and developing Alzheimer's, one of my sons is breaking house rules and the law, the other is needing expensive psychiatric care, my job of 15 years is going badly, and I'm worried about having enough money to pay the bills let alone get two boys to college.

So I should get a summer at the beach too, right? Parents do not think that way. Parents take care of themselves so they can take care of their kids. I'm doing at least five different things to keep myself in top condition to fulfill my responsibility to my kids - IC, medication when needed, exercise, planning career change to improve my quality of life, and conscientiously focusing on the positive. Not one of them includes going AWOL on my kids.

I would chalk your thought process up to someone who is very immature and not ready to be a parent, but I don't recall that you are especially young, which is why I and others here keep telling you it seems like you have a problem with your perception that you don't seem to be growing up out of. This may be what your W thinks too, why she is not eager to give you more custody.