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My GAL's are, playing soccer, going for run/jog, shopping, taking the kids out for acivities, and painting. I am just trying to stay as busy as I can, and trying to give my hubby lots of space.

As far as 180's, I have been doing a lot of things, like not talking about the relationship, or pressuring, not buying gifts, planning dates, not saying I love you, etc. and trying not to appear to enthusiatic. I have acted pretty stressed out in the past, so I am trying to be more easy going and I am trying to stop nagging him about things. I am not sure what else I can try?
I am a little bit confused about the 180 thing, am I supposed to initiate kissing/hugging, when he does not?

He doesn't know either.

He is not giving you an answer to be mean, he just doesn't know.

Have you read other threads? If you have you should know this is very typical, this limbo land. And its a hard place to live in. But that's where your GALs and 180's come in.

What sort of work are you doing? I mean regarding your M. Do you have a counselor? Have you read DR? Have you read other M books? Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? Are you trying to flollow them?

Hwy, please take a step back from your sitch and your H. Find your center. Realize and absorb that this is not going away overnight.

But realize too that you are going to be ok. Especially if you do the hard work suggested on this site.

I'm hoping you'll answer some of the questions I have asked, and that you'll keep posting. Coming to this site and participating can be a form of therapy.

Take care

I have read DR and DB as well as Hold Me Tight and 5 Love languages. It seems my LLs are quality time, physical contact and gifts. His LL is acts of service so I have been trying to let him work on the basement.. Which is what he seems to be most interested in right now, and making him nice meals, etc.

Regarding our marriage we have stopped counseling as we did not like our counselor and because he said he wanted to separate. Last Monday was our last session and we have been in limbo ever since. I tried the divorce busting telephone individual counseling with Amanda and it was so helpful!

All he seems to want to do is work away at renovating our basement or go for a walk or jog. So in the meantime I am doing most of the household duties as well as watching our 3 young, BUSY children!! And all while I am wondering where we stand. I am trying to keep busy doing other activities too, but mostly I am just watching the children. This is all so tiring. I am beginning to feel anger, resentment and hostility toward him, and non-chalance. His hopelessness is bringing me down with him I think.

Are there any other books that people found really helpful?

As far as 180's... does anyone have any suggestions for me? This is our current situation: in the past I have been the one who was the 'initiator' of everything in our marriage and family, including planning dates, planning vacations, organizing children's events, household chores, and also usually the initiator of kisses/hugs/spending time together. So lately I have not planned any dates for us or mentioned the future. I have not kissed him or hugged him much in the past couple of weeks, and he does not seem to care either way. We have had sex a couple of times in the past few weeks.

Also, one of his concerns was that I "stress" too much about my employment, and regarding handling the children's disputes. My DB coach has recommended that I not bother him anymore with mentioning what is stressing me out, and to try to remain more positive.. so I have been doing that as a 180.

I am also a little bit confused, I know we are supposed to be "detaching", does that mean no intimacy/affection?? I feel if we don't hug or kiss we will grow farther and farther apart. It doesn't seem to matter to him one way or another, should I still be doing that?

Your DB coach probably mentioned this already, but don't be in a rush to ask your H to leave - the longer you can remain living together, even if he decides he wants to separate, the easier and more effective DBing is.

Hwy61,

Affection can certainly be seen as pursuit, and pursuit should be avoided. The intimacy part has pros and cons. One of the vets posted something about that not long ago, I'll see if I can find it for you.

Couples counseling at this time is kind of tricky. I am very glad you were able to call a DB coach. It is likely that individual counseling, IC, will be more productive for you right now.

How does he respond to the children? There is no reason you should have to be the only caregiver. If you were to D, there would be a division of supervision and care. An excellent thing might be to find an out of the house engagement 2 or 3 times a week for yourself. Such as... a class, a workout, girls night out, what have you. Tell your H in your friendliest firm voice that you are going out and you need him to watch the kids.

What is the stress about your employment?

Being positive is a fantastic 180. I believe there is some truth to the "power of positivity"... (but some of it gets too new-agey for me too lol) Just bring more Tigger and less Eyeore.

Are you a nervous person? That is sort of what I'm picking up on from your posts... I mean normally, not just now, post-bomb.

And, I totally get the lots of little kids thing btw. I had 4 in 40 months... And now they're all teens... yee ha!

What is your financial situation - generally speaking. Could you get help in housekeeping or child care so you don't feel so overwhelmed?

Remember that everything is about YOU now. The 180's are to make you "new and improved", as in "I used to be slovenly but I did a 180 and am now a Stepford Wife". Or, conversely, "I used to be super uptight but I did a 180 and am much more relaxed now." So take inventory. What areas are you thrilled about? What areas not so much?

You don't have to make HUGE changes. In fact, its much better to start small, with things you can successfully, consistently master.

Okay. Off to look for the sex post. Take care.

Hwy,

I'm sorry but I can't find it. If I recall the article correctly it wasn't conclusively yes or no. It was maybe, if it works for you. If you don't have "expectations" that it has emotional meaning because it might not, at least for both partners. Also, more likely NOT the best idea if there is infidelity.

So for now, if it doesn't make you feel somehow cheapened, or give you false hope, and you feel better for it then continue. The hugs and kisses, from my understanding, not so much of a good idea. You need to take a step back.

Have a good night.