Your words, your husbands behavior, the stuffing of feelings so deep they act like a ghost, the addiction... it all hit home.
I cant say I am as close to forgiveness as you seem to be but I try each day to move in that direction. Some days are easier then others.
Besides these boards I find tremendous support in Al anon, which you totally quailify for because of your H gambling. The friends I've made at meeting are such a valuable part of my support system because unlike neighbors or other mom from school - the people I meet at woman talk honestly about their lives and no ones life is perfect.
I do believe that my H addiction to alcohol does relate to his crisis, I am not sure how however. Maybe it amplifies it??
"""However, it's hard to let go of the dream. I want nothing more than to have an intact, happy family. I want that desperately for the boys.""""
I can relate to this feeling so much but I remind myself that my kids are blessed and lucky. I pray that one day my STBX will be healthy enough to have a true relationship with them.
In your first post of this thread you talked about how you spent months taking the blame for everything, I did too. I think because we went through that stage we are really able to see our part of this and now clearly see their part in this. It is so much clearer now how sick they are. It about keeping our side of the street clean. Like is said around here so often we do the work, they may or may not ever catch up
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
He is trying to give us as little as possible. He doesn't care where or how we live. He remains focused on his new life. That's all that matters. How do people just stop loving the family they left behind?
GM,
This is the part that has me dumbfounded too.
My XH has literally abandoned us.
Without support from my parents, my kids and I would not even have food to eat. We would also have lost our house.
And XH just doesn't see it as anything to do with him. Just not his problem any more.
HOW CAN THIS BE THE MAN WE MARRIED?
Sorry, but I don't think I'll ever get over this bit.
BM, you're right, things do become clearer. I regret that I accepted so much of the blame in the beginning. It just gave my STBX more confidence and justification. I enabled him. If I had taken action sooner I might not be in this tangled legal mess that I'm dealing with now. A year ago my STBX seemed to feel some guilt and we were on speaking terms. There also wasn't an OW in the picture then, to my knowledge. As time goes on he is more detached and selfish. The OW has lots of money (not sure where from, maybe she's gambler also) so the two of them together are happy to fund a legal battle. I can't imagine that any self-respecting woman would put herself in the middle of this.
The addiction is definitely a factor, not necessarily fueling MLC, but another sickness that creates narcissitic, secretive behavior. The two together is a horrible nightmare. I contacted GA last year and found a meeting in my area. I haven't gone yet since it conflicted with my IC appointments. I'm glad that you're getting much needed support through Al anon.
NLW, I seriously can't believe how low they go. Several months ago I received a spewing email from my STBX regarding his situation - living in a "tiny little dump," driving a 12 year old car, giving me more than half of his net pay, etc. (well, no one forced him to leave a good life) knowing that he was hiding tens of thousands of dollars and was in the process of buying a house with OW. He was also angry that we hadn't reached a settlement and blamed me for that even though he was the one who kept changing the terms - the more I gave up the more he wanted. It's all very confusing.
Like you, I've been put in a precarious financial situation because of is. Trying to keep up with the mortgage and bills has caused me many sleepless nights. It's incredibly frustrating that I have to go to court so I can receive what I'm entitled to and a lot of that will go to my attorney unless she is awarded fees.
In the end, NLW, we will have peace. We are caring for our kids and are living an honorable life. We have accepted that there is something terribly wrong with our H's. A healthy, sane person just wouldn't do what they're doing. So, back to focusing on understanding, compassion and living by the golden rule.
How do they do it? That's the 65 million dollar question, right? I watched as mine re-remembered her past to line up with what she wanted to do. I watched as it went from "it's me" to "it's you! That's why I HAVE to leave" to her marrying the OM a few months later. I may have been blindsided, but honestly I don't think she could have done the things or spewed like she did if she had not convinced herself that it was all my fault and I "deserved" every bad thing she could think of. I see it as her "rebuilding" herself after the "moment of clarity" or whatever it's referred to as.
There are no winners. That's true. But honestly, I can say I don't miss her or the life that would have represented with her in her current state. My W is dead and gone. What remains is only a shell of that person. I saw an angry and scared person walk out the door (2x).
How can they do what they do? I haven't a clue, but I suspect they couldn't if they didn't view things that way. And no, a healthy person wouldn't do what they are doing. That's really what this is about - them trying to become healthy. To become a whole person. It's sad, but it's fascinating at the same time.
Protecting yourself and your kids is the best you can do, honestly. You have to let them go on this trip regardless of the outcome. Like you, I took too much blame at the beginning. I took too much of the spew and internalized it. I took it personally. But it's not personal. It's them.
If you keep that perspective, it's a different view of what's going on and you may find that the "why" no longer really matters in the scheme of things. The "what" is what you can deal with and the rest will be what it is.
I find the irony of this, like many others, that although my ex left, I'm the one that has to leave the relationship. Even years later, I find her trying to find a way to communicate (negatively, but just the same it is trying of a sort.)
Bigger picture, he'll do those things and come up with ways to justify. If he's like mine, he'll find over and over again that what he thought, wasn't accurate, so he'll readjust the "story" and the sep agreement will change. If you let it. I got to a point where I would give no more. No matter how many times she changed it, my answer was no. Until she finally agreed to the settlement. I think in her mind it was a way to let go and "move forward." I suspect your H is having the same struggle because once he agrees, that's it. And once he agrees, he loses control and his greed. He loses his "anger dumping ground." He doesn't appear ready to let that go so it may be up to you to cut that ability and take that away. You don't deserve to be treated that way. You really don't.
This is the time to make sure that you look out for you and your family. Not him. He won't be happy regardless, I can tell you that. He could get everything and not be happy about it. So put that aside and fight for what you deserve from it. Because it's a negotiation you may have to ask for more than you'll get. Be mindful of that. That's how negotiation works: you ask for the sky, and give back the clouds to keep the rest. Don't be hesitant to ask for it. Don't be angry or spiteful about asking or even demanding. No emotion is needed for negotiation. In fact, the first one to get emotional about something loses it most often.
Don't be hesitant. You can always give stuff back later when it's yours to give
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ, this entire ordeal has been so disorienting. I was sure about who I was and how others saw me until the spew started. I was so shattered initially that I started believing all of it. I felt like a fraud. I had always been admired for being honest, loving and kind, but when my STBX started blaming me for his decision to leave because I was "controlling" and "wonderful to everyone but him," etc. I didn't know myself anymore. He told me that I made rules and then broke them. The worst was when he said the boys would have a father if it weren't for me. I couldn't process what I heard. I felt destroyed and worthless. I felt responsible for my boys' pain. Once I started detaching I saw myself clearly again. I am the person that I always believed I was only more evolved now. I know I was very loving toward my STBX, but understand why he has to believe otherwise. His version of me and our marriage hurts.
As for the legal stuff, it's hard. I'm tired of it all. It goes against who I am. It's expensive. I could have paid for a year of college with what this has cost already. I just want to continue to raise my boys in the only home they've ever known. I don't want them to have another major change. I want to stay near our neighbors who look out for us. This is the part that I can get pretty upset about if I don't keep myself in check. I'm having a hard time staying the course. I feel like I could buckle under the pressure.
My attorney is once again submitting a settlement offer. It's unlikely that it will be accepted. We've been at this for months. The only way to try and get a fair resolution is to go to trial, but that can be dicey. It is very likely that the judge will order the house to be sold, which is what I'm trying to avoid. It will be difficult for me to buy another home without making a major move to a less expensive area. I start operating with a lot of fear when I think about it.
I just want the divorce to be done so I can focus on my family. My mom is very sick. She's been fighting stage IV breast cancer throughout all of this and is running out of treatment options. She was recently admitted to the hospital because of breathing issues. Spots on her lungs were found. Several weeks before that she fell and broke her shoulder. There is metastasis in her bones so they may not heal properly. It's devastating.
Thank you all for encouraging me to continue fighting for what the boys and I need/want. Why can't my STBX just do the right thing? (Rhetorical question) He hasn't paid May support. He has always paid on time since I've been paying the mortgage which is in his name. The paper trail is important in order for me to refi in my own name when the D is final. He knows this, so this is likely another control move on his part. All of this game playing is so unnecessary. I'm just living my life, working hard and caring for the boys. I don't understand the control and punishment aspect of this at all. I don't meddle in his life. Why the need to create difficulties for me?
I wasn't able to talk to my attorney today regarding the May support payment. I am so stressed over this. I hate that my STBX is still in control of my finances. My attorney has to get a support order ASAP. The two attorneys had decided on temporary support while settlement negotiations were on-going, but I now want a court order.
Is this controlling, vindictive behavior typical of MLCers during D? The boys and I have been hurt so much by this. Why does he continue this behavior? I know I'm in la, la land, but really, he could have come to me early on and offered to work with me to provide the very best life we can for the boys under the circumstances. Why wouldn't he want stability for them? He is going to have to pay what is ordered by the court whether we stay in our home or rent, so why is he making it difficult for me to hold onto the house? Yes, there's equity, but not enough to make it worth all of the legal fees. He doesn't want the house. He's buying his own. His actions aren't even logical. The last email I got before I blocked him was "I just want you to be happy in a house you can afford." We'll, I am happy and I'm in a house I can afford. Two brokers have provided letters to my attorney stating that I could refi in my own name.
I thought MLCers like us to be right where they left us. Mine seems to want to remove all traces of his former life even if it hurts his kids.
The judge who presided over our settlement conference told my STBX that he needed to do everything he could to help me keep the boys in their home. He said it was in their best interest. In one ear and out the other. My STBX would rather go to trial. How foolish?
