AS, thanks for the advice. All our accounts are joint so we can both see charges and balances. I have noticed in the past 2 weeks my wife is using a debit card for a smaller account that was originally in only her name instead of the credit card for purchases -- as if she doesn't want me to see, yet we can both see all the accounts.
I tried what you suggested indirectly. I created a budget in a spreadsheet and showed my wife. I didn't discuss anything with her or tell her that we have to stay within budget. Now, I'm going to have to be more direct as you suggest.
I realize that since my W stopped talking separation and said she plans on staying married, that I have let off on some of my DB-ing. My biggest issue is being unable to detach. My DB coach talked with me about the 5LL book and filling my W's love tank. I've been doing this as best I can.
What I observe is that my W does things and says things that are positive and get my hopes up. Then she does/says things that get my hopes down. I probably read too much into every little thing. Also, my expectations are too high -- as everyone says a MLC takes a long time to run its course.
Some examples of good signs: W said how I looked better than all my younger sailing buddies; W reached out and held my hand on weekend when we were walking in town.
Some examples of bad signs: W went out with GF after gym and didn't come home until almost midnight. W was moody all Sunday while we did errands as a family -- as if she would rather be someplace else.
The night before my B-day, my W went to gym as usual, but then stayed out with GF until midnight. This upsets me. She actually called after the gym to say she was going out, and "wouldn't be too long" Afterwards, I think due to guilt, she becomes more loving toward me: when she comes home she hugs me (I was already in bed at midnight), kisses, etc.
I try to be detached, and I'm getting there. What she does affects me much less than it used to. So I was more distant that night and the next day. This colored my b-day. She wished me a "happy b-day in the morning". After work, my kids gave me a present that the W had bought. We ate and there was a cake that my W bought at a bakery.
Earlier in the week I made plans for a "date night" on Friday. I'm taking her to go rock-climbing. I'm following the advice of my DB coach to do couple's things and make it exciting. I was thinking of bringing up a relationship question. I was going to ask her, "What things does she see us doing in an ideal marriage between us?" Anyway, after second thoughts I will not bring up any relationship talk like that. I'll just have fun.
Went on our date Friday to rock climbing as planned. Didn't tell W where we were going so for her a surprise. When entering the parking lot, she asks me, begs me that she must go to Home Depot and get something. Won't tell me what, or why. She was texting the whole way. She made me annoyed. Then she wants to stop at a Starbucks and runs into the bathroom. She is there a long time. She suddenly doesn't want to go the rock climbing gym. I tell her, I'm going and I drive there.
Finally, I get out of her that she saw somebody's car in the parking lot. The car of the guy that she liked (still does?) but who never paid attention to her. Can we go to the movies she says? I tell her no, I want to do this and that she had mentioned before about "making things normal" where she could encounter this guy with me and there would be no problems.
I go into the place to have a look for about 5-10 minutes, leaving her in the car. When I get back, she had taken deep breaths and will come with me. Well, the guy had left and we ended up having a great time.
The next day, Father's day I have a sailing race during the afternoon. Afterwards, we were to BBQ. While racing I get a text that we're invited to a pig roast. Only the W and I are going. It is this guy that invited her and a bunch of other people. So my W was now ready to interact socially with him, her other gym friends, and myself.
This is actually a big step for us. We had a good time and nothing was awkward. My W has an odd sort of OM. She never had a PA with him or even an EA since it was all one-sided -- her side with what I would characterize as a high-school girl infatuation. This guy barely pays attention to her, and I don't think it was just because I was there. I can see he is one of those guys where it's all about him.
Oddly, this weird weekend seems to have brought us a little closer.
No. Does it sound like she should? I really know nothing about counseling and the benefits that she could derive from it. I do know that if I suggested it, then she would not do it. Early on soon after BD, her friend suggested it to her a few times. My W never did.
Sailing, sounds like you're doing well and taking the right approach with things. You did well in putting your foot down when W had her strange "freak out" session regarding the rock climbing encounter. C would definitely help her, but I don't think she's to the point of being ready for it. If you suggest it you might suggest IC rather than MC, after some IC she may be ready for MC. WAS's tend to think they can "fix" everything themselves, or that if they can't fix it themselves then it can't be fixed. They don't realize how helpful good MC can be.
AS thanks for checking in on my sitch. Now and then I think we all need some encouragement to remain patient and let things work out. It does take a long time.
