Thank you, Ruby. You're the best :-) I put down 7/13 on my calendar. Meet in front of Godiva (South Market Building, Street Level) at noon? Thank you again.
I agree about not talking to FIL. Cut out the people that are not dealing with you in kindness and love. You do not need that in your life. Makes me mad for you actually.
I'm sorry it was such a stressful day. I can only imagine. I just can't understand how the WAS can be so entangled in another R at the time of marital crisis and breakdown. The more I step away the more I can only imagine the internal turmoil and the reason why so many WAS believe that a D is a solution. Lost is what they are.
You Tori are not lost though. So when the lost try to pull you away simply smile at them in love and continue on your path. Hopefully one day the will see you guiding light ahead.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
You are right the WAS's are in such internal turmoil they think that by getting a D and getting involved w other people, they'll achieve happiness. But once the newness of the new R fades, they'll be unhappy again and start their search for happiness. Typical egotistical behavior.
I was also reading a book which titled caught my attention, so I borrowed it from the library. They talk about affairs and how they happen, and the situation seemed to perfectly match my H's.
Had a hard time achieving peace last night. I was hurt. But I remembered that if it wasn't for this situation, I would've never been able to understand the pain of abandonment/ breakdown of a marriage, and would've never been able to write my book and help other people.
Yeah. No more contact with FIL or his wife and daughter. His wife was also quick to criticize me in the past, anyway.
My H might never see the light. He could very much keep hopping from woman to woman until he's so old that he has to settle with the woman of the day and live at ordinary levels of awareness until he passes away.
Today was rough. We did very well working as a team to do the taxes, but then we had to work on the health insurance thing, so he had to call HR and COBRA and the insurance and no one knew the answer. He kept repeating the story about him getting D. He avoided saying the word Wife, so he would call me dependent and the operator asked if it was a child so it was so stressful. I was listening for an hour and by then, I was so stressed out I just wanted to leave. So he looked at me, and said, this is so stressful. I nodded. He asked, are you OK? I said no, and broke down. First time I do that since he moved out. I could not help it. So he started crying too and I felt like crying more. I told him that if he was happy then at least all the pain was worth it. He said that this is what he wanted. So it took us a little while to finish the insurance conversation, and we solved it. I sent all the papers to the L and we should be OK for the final court date on 4/12.
During lunch (prior to the insurance conversation,) he asked me what I thought about the OW being controlling. I said I would not comment on it and that he would figure things out (like my coach suggested.) He just said, yes. He also said he was trying to put himself in the OW's shoes and that her demands for him to have zero contact with me made sense to her but the way she was asking wasn't the best. First time I see him be so empathetic.
Something that hurt too is what he said about "people" telling him there is no incentive for me to make more money the way the agreement is written. I asked who had said that. He said his dad had been one of them. I'm not calling his dad anymore. He did the same thing to his wife anyway, when my H was only 7 years old. I will just stay in touch with my MIL and grandma.
Hard day. I'm still pretty shaken.
Tomorrow will be better...
Sounds like a rough day, I am so sorry you had it that bad. These feelings just keep peeling away. Hugs (((((T)))))
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
i just wanted to say that i think you handled all this with such strength and dignity (as usual.) i love the answer you gave to his question about the OW. perfect, you handed responsibility for his choices and his life right back to him.
i applaud you for taking the pain and hurt of this time in your life to create an opportunity to help others. i think that is what i admire most in a person (i think of nelson mandela and how he used his imprisonment to lay a foundation for equality for many and for a forgiveness the world has rarely seen.) you, and others here, make me think more about who i want to be in the world. thank you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
i just wanted to say that i think you handled all this with such strength and dignity (as usual.) i love the answer you gave to his question about the OW. perfect, you handed responsibility for his choices and his life right back to him.
i applaud you for taking the pain and hurt of this time in your life to create an opportunity to help others. i think that is what i admire most in a person (i think of nelson mandela and how he used his imprisonment to lay a foundation for equality for many and for a forgiveness the world has rarely seen.) you, and others here, make me think more about who i want to be in the world. thank you.
Well said NG. I also admire the strength and dignity Tori continues to show. What a fine example for the rest of us.
Thinking of you, Tori. Hugs.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Subguy, Grace and FY, you are always there when I need you the most.
Grace and FY, I'll never forget your words of encouragement. Thank you!
I do feel that my calling is to inspire people, and I will do my part to raise the energy level of people around me. It's by giving that we connect with our true selves. So the book is coming along really well. I expected to be 40,000-45,000 words, unless I add a section with practical exercises, which will increase the word count.
Easy tears today, even during hiking (first time--I used to be able to forget it all during hiking.) But I am letting the feelings be so they go away quicker. I know that if I resist them, they'll become stronger.
My H dropped off a check today so I could send the tax payment. He put it in an envelope and placed it on my car's windshield. Didn't knock at the door, but I guess I didn't expect him to. After all, he's not allowed :-)
First of all, ((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))))!!!
I think the tears you are experiencing now are GOOD. They will help you move forward when the D is over and you can put so much behind you and focus more on the here & now as well as exciting opportunities and experiences for your future!
Can't do July 13th in Boston. Going on a trip to Wisconsin Dells to meet up with my midwest family during that week.
Am soooooooooo excited to meet you in person! Yeah!
Hang in there sweet girl. You are such an inspiration! And, I am in awe that you have such direction about your life.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thank you, GTO. I feel more composed now, though not yet back to normal. Now, to add to the lawyer drama: The paralegal got back to me this evening with an agreement that was nearly the same as the original one. Basically, they didn't make any of the changes my H and I agreed on. They also needed more $$, so the total expense will be over $6K. I emailed an update to my H. I was pretty upset, bc the court date is Friday and we basically have nothing. He called me shortly after saying he was going to sue the lawyer for not doing his work. He asked me to fire the L but I refused. I said it was important to me to not go to court, so I needed a L. Then he downplayed my feelings and the D itself by coming up with one of his insensitive comments: "Oh, whatever. You'll be fine. We'll get D, move on and be fine." I reminded myself that my H is my greatest teacher. He is teaching me about how to deal with insensitive people and how to constantly forgive. Ugh. I think he likes his current R bc he gets to play all of his sports and once he's done, at 10-11 PM, he can still spend time with her--which was his main complaint about me. He wanted to play sports every evening, come home late at night and have me wait for him to spend time together at that time. He would not agree to cut back on sports or come home for dinner a couple of times a week, which is what I was asking. He wants what he wants. No compromise. Maybe he found a woman who will do whatever he wants and accept his schedule--for now. And he wants to have children and keep the same schedule. Really. Now I'm the one to say whatever. Going to continue writing my book.
