M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
while waiting to hear back from you KD... I just want to add, that I believe my h is buring his head into work and is not dealing with things. With that being said, I am sooooo greatful its "work" and not another woman.
H called me this morning, finally at 11... informed me that he was working last night and was on his way for "saturday sale", that depending on what happens at the sale, he will be driving back possibly even the car that H wanted to leave behind (which got me bothered yesterday, thinking it was about a cottage sham/lie).... I may have been wrong! It may very well have been about him wanting me to be "avail" for clients today/multi-tasking.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
First, I don't think that the saturday shopping time together wasn't working. Just that it may have stopped working for your H. And I don't mean that from a personal perspective, rather from a business perspective.
As you noted in your last post, your H appears to have possibly had plans that were different than what you thought. So it is possible that your H thinks that, at least at times like this (is it overly busy right now? season wise, I mean), that the two of you might best spread yourselves out.
Again, I'm simply looking at that from a business perspective and it completely makes sense, to me. I actually think that opens the door up to better "personal time" with your H, after the doors of the store are closed for the day (or season).
On getting mad at you for not doing things his way, I would have to say that's pretty normal normally, and I think is a normal pattern in your business R.
There's a lot going on in the dynamic, even just the way things were operating for the two of you. Again, as though you were a junior partner. Quite often, regardless of that, people have expectations that in order to do something, it must be done a certain way, which is usually they way THEY would do it. So your H will do that until he finally feels comfortable that you can get the results, even if how you do it is not the same way HE would do it.
This holds the underlying TRUST aspect. There's not much more to say on that, other than his trust is showing up as getting mad at you. It is his problem and while it seems personal, it is just something that he will do until he is comfortable with truly letting things go. That's where his apparent desire to control is coming from. His own lack of trust, which quite likely stems from his lack of trust in himself, which possibly shows up in certain "perfectionist" behaviours, as well. And as you note, also appears to be showing up in his constant desire to "learn from the best" and "know the future". Its subtle, but it certainly appears to be the case.
Which brings us to him suggesting to you that he hopes you will take more "charge" and learn from your mistakes. He's telling you... probably exactly what he believes himself... even though he is currently having trouble letting go the reigns... that will change, in time. I've seen that behaviour very often, both in others, and in myself.
He is doing what he wants because although he doesn't trust himself... he trust others (including you) less. So he's going to do it all, himself. In the personality quadrant, that's called a "controller". He'll get over it. In the mean time, he's going to come across as being overbearing regarding your own business conduct and successes/failures.
KD... ok, so what do I do? What is my plan of action? What part is mine?
What about the personal side of things? For a short while now, I have been letting him do all the contacting (unless quite important for business), but again.. all his contact is 99% about business. In the last week, he texted to tell me that my tv show was on (I didn't reply), and to apologize (I acknowledged).
What else can I be doing? Or do I just keep on, keeping on?
Space/contact only as necessary/drop the rope/end calls first/let him walk over to me(not me to him), all approach comes from him.
Me: GAL, patience patience patience, pray & give my R to God to sort out.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I think that most of that all covers the operations side of thing. Keep working on your business acumen and your role as a true, equal partner in the venture. I think you are moving in a good direction, there.
There's now a couple other things obviously, one is the possible disentanglement of yourself from the business, if that's what you want. Or alternatively, making the financial part more formalized. The other is, of course the reason you are really here, which is the personal side of your R.
So on the first, do you really want to leave the business?
Whether yes or no, it is probably a good idea to disentangle both of your financial ties to the company. As your H indicated that the business is in the black, it might be a good idea for the both of you to take a portion of the profits which can reasonably be removed from the account and split it between the two of you to offset both of your original (and labour) input into the company. I don't know how that might look and would recommend referring to an accountant, unless the two of you can easily work that out. If you can clear both debtors (yours AND H's) from the books, then the company is doing great.
If your H isn't prepared to pull out his capitol investment, then that could be a problem if you plan on remaining a partner in the business.
On the personal side of things, keep working on detaching your personal interests from the business interests.
You noted earlier that you initiated a separation and the business was a means for the two of you to stay together. I'm not sure I get that logic. Can you fill in some blanks, there?
I think that could be helpful to understand what you might want to do, next. ie. Originally, regarding the business arrangement, you were wondering about working on the R and to possibly M.
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
Space/contact only as necessary/drop the rope/end calls first/let him walk over to me(not me to him), all approach comes from him.
Me: GAL, patience patience patience, pray & give my R to God to sort out.
I think the above is a good place to stay, for now. Formalizing the business as business and personal as personal, within your own mind.
If all he is doing is contacting you for business, then all you have right now is a business arrangement. Regardless of whether either of you want to save the R and move forward, together.
So I think also it might be great to understand, what does the "off season" look like, between the two of you? What has your R been like when work wasn't the major focus?
Firstly, please know that my h is now a work only machine. Especially since BD. He is only thinking and doing things that "make sense" for the business. Im not even sure he takes time out to be with friends anymore. He is doing everything and burning himself out from a business perspective. Although, he does speak of the near future (possibly july) and needing/taking a break... I am not sure what this means for him or me or if even an us?? (fingers crossed there).
IF we are to remain a couple or to vow to work on repair...I am willing to stay in this business.
IF he moves on and can manage to be dating or OW... I cannot! I would not want to be in this business and will have to find a way to dissolve.
As the business is now in the black, it is HIS wish to pay me off first (all monies owed and back salary). He will not take any money, until I have been paid these amounts. There is not enough, just yet to pay both of us in full. But he was adamant since BD for me to have money so that I could buy a house (that he keeps encouraging me to do...guilt? for not providing me with one of our own?...dunno). Same with purchasing a "fun" car through the business, he wants me to have a nice ride....guilt? for me not having nice things?...dunno.
//If your H isn't prepared to pull out his capitol investment, then that could be a problem if you plan on remaining a partner in the business.// ................. explain??
//You noted earlier that you initiated a separation and the business was a means for the two of you to stay together. I'm not sure I get that logic. Can you fill in some blanks, there?// ..... several years ago, I was the WAS because I wanted soooo much more than my rel'p with him was providing. I wanted a marriage, a house, family, joint ventures, etc. It took approx. 4 months of separation (he was extremely lonely, no friends) and he designed this business proposal as a way for us to be "joint". I was desperate and JUMPED at this opportunity, but should have made him "work" more towards relationship issues not just a business venture. Again, I was desperate! and he was lonesome.
As for "off season", it used to be pretty fun, with occasional trips, cottage visits, day trips, beach, seadoo/boating, Saturday dinners, Sunday breakfasts, etc. NONE of this happened last summer.
KD, if all we have is a business arrangement.... what will make us have a personal one? Will it be "after" the "season" as I think he has in his mind?...if so, do I just continue to "business partner back" and focus on selling inventory and bide my time occupying myself, keeping busy/distracted until...? July? and see what happens then?
H texted and called alot today, informing me of his every business move. I kept our convos short & to the point, ended the convo's early. H texted awhile ago to say that he got a problem vehicle running and a smiley face. I did not respond.
When I stop interraction...so does he. I don't want to play the distance/pursuit. Is not responding OK?
He has since then made contact with my D22 and they are going for breakfast in the morning.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
First, I have to say I am irked. My use of capitol instead of capital will remain in these archives for a very long time. *sigh*
~~~~~~~~~~~ overview
Yes, it is very clear your H is in work only mode. He has a few motivations. Some are probably unconscious for him. Tucked in there is quite likely to escape.
I do understand that it is confusing for you as the original pretext was for the two of you to use the business as a way to remain together and now he is now using it to escape. For you, the environment and context is familiar, yet (some of) his behaviour has changed. It likely would have been less confusing for you had he simply abandoned the business.
Further, it's confusing because he not only seems to want his space, he also dropped the bomb on you, yet he is working hard to take care of your needs. And it's probably been equally confusing for him as he thinks he wants to end things, yet feels obligated to you and your well being.
I do understand that I'm stating the obvious, I'm just putting it out there again because there's very clear cues, here. I know it's been stated before, so this is a reminder.
+ He wants space - he's burying himself in his work
+ He is confused - he thinks he wants to leave the R (BD) yet he wants to take care of you and your future needs (car, house, clearing debt and wages)
Now I think that confusion is compounded because I get a feeling that he thinks that he's providing you with a car and a house (if you chose to take those offers) when in reality all he's likely doing is paying off debt and wages, I don't think he'd ADD the house and the car if debt and wages were paid off.
~~~~~~~~~~~ business part
Which leads me to what I was saying about the possible problem if he paid off your debt and wages before drawing on the business for himself.
IF he were to do that and you were to accept, then depending on articles of incorporation (or lack thereof) or lack of formal business partnership documentation, he could possibly move forward with the business as sole owner. I am not a L and there's not enough information for me to guess whether he'd have a successful case. I'm just saying that could be a possibility. With your debt paid and his still on the books, you have little leverage to claim business partner rather than short term debtor and employee.
If YOU draw, HE should draw an equal amount. Otherwise, I would suggest that you draw wages and he also gets paid out wages, the loan capitol of both of you stays until it can be paid out equally, in full if need be.
Unless... you are willing to let go the business.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ personal part
Right now, there is nothing. If you two did not work together or own the business together, it is possible that he would bury himself in his work and you would not see or hear from him until slow down.
In that case, all you could do as far as DBing is work on yourself and wait for as long as you could and hopefully become an even more amazing woman that only a fool would leave. And also hope that he "woke up" if this is MLC.
So all you have right now is a promise from ~7 years ago, to enter into a business partnership with an estranged partner, in the hopes that business partnership would help solidify a more committed personal relationship and potentially M.
You are still working under that premise... him... not so much...
So here is where it really ends, ball in your court, your choices:
+ stay in the business under the same context as you entered into it, remaining frustrated because what was working before BD is no longer working now, because he changed the game, for some unknown reason, which could potentially be MLC.
+ leave the business. Take your spoils and move on from the business and start a new career and wait things out. Work on yourself and hope that he will eventually notice the positive changes in you, his MLC begins to fade, or business slows down and he has had time to re-think what he wants and decides that he wants you
+ leave the business and give up all hope, move on with your life and work on yourself and create a new future for yourself, what ever may come
+ stay in the business, focus 100% on the business and let go of the R. Work on yourself, become an even more amazing woman that only a fool would leave, and maybe once things slow down at work, he might decide to re-engage in the R.
IDK... what do you think you would choose? At least for now. You can always change your mind at a later date.
Not sure which of the options I am capable of. For now, I guess the last option is my direction as I do not know any other lifestyle.
As an outsider, which would you choose?
What steps does one take to really let go of the R? Am I not doing it yet?
Journalling:
Again, another Sunday. (Thank God for friends, who keep me busy). Not sure how to fill my time on these kinds of days. I no longer have the routine of my former life to direct me. My Friend dragged me to church this morning, the message was about forgiveness. I cried. We prayed. Then we went for breakfast & a hike around the lake. Came back, joined other friends on the street & was able to guide a friend through her problems. Went for a walk with her. Now, here with DD & Mom. Sundays (like most other days are sad & lonely). I am trying so hard.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I would choose option 4, wfm. I've done it before and I'd do it again. Put my head down, "get the job done" and see what comes later.
It svcks to not know if it is all worth it and that things aren't quite the way they'd be if one had that option to do it themselves.
I do believe that any results worth it are worth doing the work, even if the results are not quite what we think they'll be.
I am not giving you legal advice as I am not a L and this is not the place for that, you should (as we've said many time before) seek or at least research that for yourself. That said, there are two side to that as well. In Canada you may or may not have claim on the business, dependent on certain things and those things are grey. On the personal side, you possibly have claim as common law to the business, regardless of your business ownership or partnership or if it's incorporated under his name only, you would possibly have claim on his share.
DO NOT take what I said above in any way factually. Do find out for sure. Two different acts of law. Much information is available online, even if just to refer and even if you hope to never go that road.
I think you are on your way to doing what you need to, to weather this storm. Keep doing what you are doing and keep reminding yourself that... RIGHT NOW... every conversation you have with your H is likely BUSINESS ONLY.
To touch on the earlier comment of when the personal might come. That will be entirely up to your H. IF he contacts you and it is personal, you will know, and you can act accordingly.
We never no what the future will bring, but the success of the business may... just may... have him feeling good and your professionalism and DB efforts are likely to be noticed... and he might come calling for personal time... for R...
