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I'm feeling a bit more humble today.

I re-read the Livestrong article on detachment and realised how far off the mark I'd gone. I'm not sure how I got so enmeshed so quickly. H manages his affairs completely differently from the way I do. I'm not being productive when I try to change that. It alienates him and it fuels resentment and dissatisfaction in me.

Wow I just read that Livestrong article and its great. I'm having trouble detaching because purely the way my family is set up. My brother is married to my W's sister so you can imagine the mess that has caused, birthdays etc

Wendy, I'm glad you read the detachment article again. When I read your last post it sounded a bit controlling.

Detachment is letting others live their lives.

Good luck.

I LOVE this detachment article! I actually started attending alanon 3 months ago, so it's something I am actively working through. I come from a long line of alcoholics and co-dependants..weeee!

Wow, great article, Wendylon. Thank you for sharing. I think most human beings need help to detach. It's part of having what Wayne Dyer calls "the ego." But it's in our best interest to tame that ego and detach.

I'm glad that you, LJC, Tallula and Tori found the article useful. You're right, labug, I am in a controlling space.

I've just read the article in detachment again and yet I'm still finding it so hard to detach from my H's behaviours these past few days. I don't know if it's hormonal or what but I keep getting drawn in to focusing on him negatively. I can feel myself really backsliding. I asked him tonight if he'd been drinking again. It was silly of me. He claimed not but I'm not sure... He forgot to pick D15 up from her piano lesson. He's a space cadet and it drives me mad--especially at the moment.

Then again, he's planning to take D15 to her netball game tomorrow and is bringing S13 along with him. I would never volunteer to do that. I would see it as much too effortful.

I feel so incredibly critical and suspicious of him. It's eating away at me. I owe it to myself to stop focusing on him. It feels beyond my control though.

Thank you all...I really needed this!

I'm still struggling with detachment...

H is still not feeling well. I think it probably has to do with him having withdrawal symptoms from cutting down his caffeine intake which had got ridiculous since he stopped drinking a month ago. I'm as addicted to focussing on him as he is on substances (caffeine, sugar, alcohol..) I'm so tired of his secret eating that I openly went and bought some ice-cream for all of us last night. It was better than him pretending to go out to buy more coffee.

He has now taken S13 swimming and managed to get D15 to her netball game earlier this morning. I'm dying to give him advice on how to manage his health and his life generally.

Selfishly, part of my anxiety about him not looking after his health properly is that I don't want to do his share of things as well. I do all the household chores and accounts and manage the carers for S13 and he usually does the things that involve going on expeditions and he gets S13 up and ready in the mornings. I really don't want to take that on when he's here. He's away a couple of weeks later in Feb so obviously I'll do it then.

It sort of feels as if I've been taken over by a codependent-bug/virus. I seem to have so little immunity to it. I don't enjoy our local Al-Anon meeting but I sure need an injection of detachment. I'll keep re-reading that article on detachment and keep coming here.

Hi Wendylon,

I think everyone struggles with detachment and it must be even harder in the same house. I am struggling and only see W twice a week.

Personally if your husband has given up alcohol and has cut dow on caffeine I think he has done extremely well. Do you openly encourage him/reward him for this...and it might explain him not functioning on the day to day stuff, feeling tired. I gave up smoking a month ago and that is hard enough.

It sounds like you are setting yourself for a spewing everytime you ask something or try and tell him how somethign should be done. Stop and just reward the things he does well. Some things are just not worth interfering with and let him make his own mistakes and clear up the mess afterwards. Don't ask anything of him and don't comment (unless it is positive). IMO if he has stopped drinking and cut down on caffeine he will be tired, irritable and it won't take much to set him off. You don't want to be in the position where he starts drinking again and blames you for it either...which he may do if he keep on at him.

Are you getting any you time at the moment to help with detaching?

You are doing well and we all have our moments. I run in cycles which are still v much in line with W behaviour towards me.

Thanks for the article. I have not read it yet but will do.

and take care

Why don't you like the AlAnon meetings? Is there a CODA group near you?