Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Still Struggling and need help #3

MC session today and I stuck pretty closely to my strategy. Went through the positives of the week and when he asked if there was anything that didn't go well, I mentioned the discussion we had about FB and that, on one hand, it was good that we could talk about it, on the other hand it was left unresolved. Our MC did an excellent job asking us both a lot of questions, then shifted into a long discussion. What he said to W was that while he heard her explanation, it didn't really make sense to him and was confusing to him as well. He said that often when marriages go through tough times where one spouse has a lot of anger or is lonely, etc. they will find an escape and that escape may include things that they wouldn't have done before. The anology he used was that he treats a lot of couples where the H uses online porn as that escape. Anyway, once the couple starts improving, the other spouse naturally expects that the escape will go away, but to the spouse that relied on the escape, it has become a "security blanket" that feels good to continue to wrap yourself in. But now, the situation is different and you have to be willing at some point to let it go, or it is a sign that you aren't really ready to move forward.

He used a pillow that he hugged as an illustration of the warm blanket, and when talking to W said you need to decide if you are ready to let go of the blanket (and motioned away the pillow) or want to continue to embrace it (and hugged it). I thought it was really powerful and illustrated exactly what I have been feeling.

You will be happy to know that:

a. I never mentioned tat-boy.
b. After the initial question, I did my best to STFU and let him work and let my wife answer.

We left it at the end that he said we will talk about it next week and by definition, my W will have either chosen to hang onto the blanket (and not Friend me) or let the blanket go by Friending me. As for me, my assignment is to not bring it up. She knows my thoughts, let her digest it and decide. Either way, by next week he will have a better idea of where she is at.

It was a tough session but I finally felt like we were having a substantive discussion and he was not accepting the bs answers my W has been saying, just to tell him what he wants to hear.

CB

CB,

You had good positives going into the therapy. And it sounds like you followed through with your goals.

Thanks for your post on my thread. I'll post about our MC session soon.

Do you not think the therapist is giving W a small ultimatum that she might not be ready for?

You're a businessman (btw, congrats on your phenomenal presentation!!!) so you like to have things move along and be orderly and fulfill goals. I worry about her backing away with the pressure.

What do you think?

RH,

I think he is giving her a small ultimatum, knowing that there are larger ultimatums needed at some point. He alluded to the FB decision as symbolic for her, which is part of why I have been so fixated on it as well I believe. I think, while he didn't say this, he could see that I was doing all the heavy lifting and she was just whistling a line of bs about what she was doing to fix things, and I think he viewed this as an opportunity to get her to see that this is on her too. And, there is no bs in it, you either vote yes or you vote no, so to speak.

You could be right, but my feel was that it was the right thing to do. Also, our therapist knows about tat-boy and some of the "tougher" stuff and he didn't bring any of that up, probably because it would have been too much pressure.

I tried to focus it in on "I am confused, help me understand..." and "This is how this feels to me..." and he did a nice job bridging our feedback.
CB

I agree with RH. If she's not ready to "friend" you on her own, then it's pressure.

I would not push the FB issue unless it was a deal breaker for me.

My W is active on FB and I'm not even signed up. I think it's helping her find who she is and who she wants to be. So even though my mind has sometimes wondered what's going on, I've never snooped or said a word about it.

One of the things W told me at BD was that she wanted to be independent and do things on her own. I know she can do this without leaving the M, if I allow her. It seems to be working for us.

Funny thing is that recently she has started to show and tell me more about things her and her friends are posting.

If she's determined to hook up with a tat-boy I know I can't stop it. All I can do is continue to make myself the irresistible H she's hung with for almost 30 years.

FY and RH,

You may be right, but we will have to see at this point as it is now out there. I think in our case, the timing was right as my W had moved into "life is now good, move along folks, nothing to see here" mode, yet was/is cake-eating. She was already saying a lot of the right things, but they felt like so much else in our marriage for so many year...superfluous, non-intimate, call it what you will. And MC knows that things are not fine, so this is his attempt to also get her to see that?

Either way, my job on it at this point is to STFU on it and not bring it up, so I am doing that.

^^^This is the bottom line. You have to do what works for you.

Just keep in mind there are no quick fixes for turning our sitches around, it just takes time... Way too much time if you ask me!

FY. Yes, ironically, I think I understand that more than my W does and I think that has been part of the challenge for our therapist. I don't have any expectations that this will be a panacea, just a symbolic positive. One of many to come hopefully...

CB

Our MC asks my H difficult and pointed questions too.

Like, "you say you don't have time or energy to plan a family vacation or one with your W (one of your stated goals) then how is it that you have time and energy to plan a road trip with drinking buddies?"

I'm so worried about this and other pressures pushing him back into the tunnel, but I know there is a time and place to stand up and say "enough". Each of us has to decide where that is.

I do remember a great post by KD on T^2's thread about cake-eating. We say that when we feel used -- we aren't getting as much out of the R as we are giving. But it's an investment in our future. Are they cake-eating or are we providing a "safe" place for a loved one to regain a sense of who they are?

I'm sitting in the orthodontist office waiting for S13 and reading Gottman's book then had to put it down. We hardly have a "M" to speak of with mutual caring and sharing. Yet we've recovered from near-D and have a tentative hope for the future. It's not an easy road and sometimes looking back I wonder if I should've even held on.

But those on the "other side" have assure us it's all worth it.

I like what FY said. Be the irresistible spouse she fell in love with!

RH,

In my case, I think some of what got us here was a long-term pattern of me not asking the tough questions because I didn't want to hear the answer. I think this question is more "uncomfortable" than tough, but I am looking forward to both of us having to answer some tough questions. I have been doing it and I think it has been good for me and I expect more to come my way as well.

I got 1/2 way through that book and had to stop as well. Our MC is using it as the basis for our therapy and I felt like I had an unfair advantage because I knew the concepts and W didn't. Great book though and wish I had read it 10 years ago!

CB

Which Gottman book is that?