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So, I have been very conflicted lately. I feel like I am practicing on my H how to act, be more free, patient, understanding, interesting and even prettier. Is this weird? He's like my - if I can do this with "him" the one who crushed me, I must be becoming a stronger person which is how I would want to go into a new relationship ~ experiment.

I just don't feel like much of what I'm putting out is for his benefit as much as it's for me to learn from. Yea, you read here - be the one he'd be crazy to leave, but I think I am much more willing to leave him, just as he's trying to peek out.

My S26 and D19 want to move to Az for work/school which sounds very appealing to me, since we were all planning to move to NV pre-MLC. The idea that H wouldn't move doesn't deter me at all, it sounds like a nice way to make a clean break.

I don't hate him, I have L for him as a father, and as my long term person in life, but not as someone I want to spend my future w or rely on for the things I want, and need in life.

I can't help but continue thinking...this wouldn't be a problem if you didn't rock the boat buddy! I would have lived happily ever after, we were good together!

They MLCed before we knew there was a problem, we LBS lag behind, they peek as we come to terms.

Do we ever end up on the same page at the same time???

I feel the same way, and think it's a good place to be, all things considered.



Yep. I've often wondered what the ratio is for LBS's ending it, vs. MLC'ers ending it. Maybe a vet here can chime in and let us know.



I still believe we can. Does that make me a romantic?

It makes you committed FY! We're not wrong for that!

It's when (as someone wise said) the LBS finds there is nothing more to the M, that we are more likely to be done and move toward change! What's the ratio, no idea, but I did read that those who "ride it out" have a better chance at staying M.

I would rather be working on myself, if you have to ride it out, wouldn't it be worn out?

hey hi-

ju8st checking in- need to get dressed and out door-

thanks for note last nite- enabled me to go to bed more "calm"- idk

you've got it right - when the lbs is sooooo worn out they just can't "do it" anymore- i think they walk. the other guy is probably charged up with all their baggage & issues and can't care about anyone else but ME ME ME... (THE LBS is merely on receiving end and that can get overwhelming and probably exhausting at some point) (i'd think) i can see how a person just gives up and gives in because they're not up to the "fight" anymore. it's a tough lesson to swallow and appreciate.

it's wierd that riding it out might achieve "success" in staying m'd. you know me- can't get past the part where the mlc person is self-indulgent rather than "in pain". like the right thing for the right reason - m.o. - my notion there has to be "a right or humane reason or purpose" - i need to work on my view here- i know it's a rigid attitude- that people "always have a choice" and then have to accept fallout from their own choices. oh well- i'm not even married to this goofis - in my mind only - God only knows what's in his mind. he's got some kind of attachment or whatever it is I am to him.

onward and upward. still "here" for another day- - who knows tho... am awaiting whatever "the universe" presents- (me reading a goofy book i picked up with pretty artwork- but it's all you loving yourself, etc- message same as here primarily- sometimes it's cheesy sounding- but i'd say in the end I agree we're all we have - really huh? and what's not to love? i'm askin ya????? okay- where's that cute new dress - even with humidity and jacked up hair-do- looks good...

xxo

I have been reading books and articles and this quote struck me, it says exactally what's been going through my mind. Sometimes I feel as if I'm being stubborn, and why wouldn't I want to piece my M back together. But, I know, and these words describe it best, that this is what's really going through my mind and it's ok!

Not only ok, I think it's good that I am protecting myself by being realistic and present in my sitch.

The innocence gone is the hardest! I was 22 and laughed, joked, ran around w my guy, my best friend! Yes, there is something that will always be gone about that!

Can that be w someone new, doesn't every R have its time of "play" as it matures. It's that play that helps us take our guard down and let them in? How could I ever let my guard down w H?

I can see why moving forward could bring me some new sence of self while trying to connect w someone new. While trying to connect w someone new we always find new things about ourselves, like hey, I never knew I liked skiing, or eating Sushi!

What would my H going to bring to a new R, and it does have to be new, at least more than just a repair of the old? I have changed, we change separately!

I know I seem to advocate not spending the second half of my life w H, and so many of you really want that and that's great, I think I want him to prove me wrong!

Not like a game or a punishment, but as something worth making a commitment at, and putting forth real effort. Showing himself as really being able to handle the next 35+yrs of our life together because I will not go through this again. The let down is too great sometimes to even take the chance for me.

My 25th anniversary is in two wks! I'm wigging out a little, there isn't much to celebrate. My h is trying, we fought last night, it was mostly me while he listened attentively. Strangely enough in my frustration I told him to leave, leave me, walk away! I realized as I said this I leaned in soo close, he thought I was going to kiss him and was ready to be receptive.

Today he's doing all the chores, still building me new kitchen cabinets, and preparing me lunch. What should I be doing? I'm not jumping up and down, I am being thankful, like how you thank a 3yr old when they bring you oh so pretty flowering weeds!

eek dawn-

i can relate to the quote also- it is really sad huh? the end of innocence. the end of "believing" in this guy- believing he's who you thought he was.

i think you're "being" right with it all- protective of your own heart- cognizant of the danger implicit in a r with him NOW - that you know how he "could be" in life. it's sooooo chancey - isn't it?

honestly- par5t of me thinks it's nothing more than if you meet someone new within the time frame BEFORE your h manages to win you back - win you back over- show himself to be someone new worth getting to know- you'll probably skate.

i guess that may be true for me and anyone. IT'S A HUGE "IF" THO -

i don't know the chances - 50 - 50 maybe? where the heck , now the heck, etc.



i suppose at the very least that h is "trying" to come back.

i STRUGGLE WITH SAME STUFF - my heart is soooooo bashed out of shape- i wonder sometimes if i can ever ever even want to try - with h or anyone anymore. i'm assuming if i met someone tho- that i'd feel like it- that it's all inside somewhere. the faith- the fun - the ability to know what you see & feel and recognize GOOD when it hits you on the head. i'm awaiting my message from the universe - i truly hope it's not - "SORRY BABE- IT'S YOU ALL ON YOUR OWN FOR ETERNITY NOW)" WAH WAH

I WAS always soooo sure this was love- and love would conquer it all - anything tht could come along could be solved with enough love- boy- whattadope.


my h- he is pleasant & conciliatory- but still seeing ow - still keeping his distance & going away 3 wks out of 4 - i hate it all. i just got home to an empty house- all by my lonesome- i hate that too - i just hate it - being alone- in a dull ache kind of way- not bizerk (just f.y.i.) ...

i was at shore all weekend- it was fun- he doesn't even know- and probably doesn't even care. i coulda gotten eaten by jaws and he wouldn't even know to ask- i HATE that i just don't matter. I deserve to matter- he $uxks so much! sorry- my outburst here - gotta go somewhere!!!

he called here fri nite and i was gone- he didn't leave a message (?)(!) i'll never understand why he doesn't even say "hi- wondered what you were up to" or "- wanted to hear your voice" - something- anything- any contact with any meaning - nothing..... no words at all...

SOOOO - here's me gal- and no one to see it and know it and appreciate the fact. i honestly could back my car over him. if i woundn't suffer a guilty conscience for the remainder of my days - i'd consider it.

it IS all about him- it doesn't help me to know it- oh well- i guess i'd better go cool off (sunburnt a bit) and set my hair (scarecrow look is in - rite???) - xxo i hope you're okay out there-

i hope your h is trying hard- you do deserve his best effort. me- idk - maybe it's soooooo OVER and i'm not seeing it- like it being what it was all that time and i didn't even suspect. duhhhhhh

there is no safety in my life- no trust - nothin tonite. he's not even here-

it's hard - to swallow. i was 24 - on the heels of a bad little marriage - it was fun and fun and more fun. i felt soooospecial - really - for the first time in my life someone just really nice to me in the best of ways.

i cannot figure how it could not last forever - i cannot figue how he can even think someone else will be better to share his life with- i can't figure out anythning at all so i'd better get the heck out of here before i bore you into a comma with this crappola- sorry to be dreary.

did have a fun weekend - hope yours was okay- sorry you guys fought- interesting that he was complascent and listened and didn't go bonkers or anything- i just wish i sensed a welcome for a kiss. he kisses me when he leaves at airport- just a quickie - i wonder why ech time - honestly dawn.

the mixed messages will drive me over some edge some day-

i'm outta here- have a good evening.

xxoo

Hi Dmarie.

Just checking in. You sound so pensive, and rather discouraged.

I have had swirls of the thoughts you shared dance across my mind as well...

I sometimes think H would just be "ok" with continuing the status quo forever. On my side, its a challenge almost every day.

Of course, I live with someone who is cold to me, who puts me last - if at all.

He does not.

Yet.



Hang in there with and for yourself Dmarie.

Hi Mizzj

I'm not discouraged as much as I'm not encouraged by anything h is doing or saying. I am though enthused at the idea of moving forward for myself wo worrying about H.

I feel as if I am always here! He needs to not have easy access to me, he needs time to be alone and maybe miss me! I need to try life alone and see if my big talk about living w out him is really how my heart feels.

My H never puts me last, he's the ultimate nice guy. People would be amazed that "H" is putting his family though this!

I am doing for me, but I get sick of me also! Yesterday I chastised H for calling me boring a yr ago when I spent 7 yrs trying to get him off the couch, but he worked all wk so he was justified .

I am freaking a little...summer, no plans...no vacations...and lots of home projects pilling up!

Thanks for stopping by, I need to know people are alive out there!

hi dawn-

know the "freaking out" deal.



it's a different world when they're not around- i agree with you- they need to miss us. i think on some level they always would- we're such a part of their lives - DOES THAT MEAN THEY VALUE US AND WILL LOVE US AS WE SHOULD BE? I'M NOT SO SURE ANYMORE. me, i can't tell - honestly. it's a guess on my part - i have no confidence in him (me, i know) him- wild card. 50-50 chance i think... i'm not so brave , am i?

i've GOT THE "ALWAYS THERE" thing going on too - at the end of a phone line - sitting in this house - in this state. i hate being "predictable and "there". i think it's part of our attraction & part of our giant flaws. tho, it doesn't seem to matter if i am not. i never ever hear the - where are you? or want to talk to you- so my assumption is that it is not there or felt.



gggez - how alike our quirky h's sound - me too. his family would never ever have one clue. my friends & fam can tell when i'm not happy- they all know something or another is up- he is not even soooo charming to my people- he puts on the same old show forh is. wtf???

however- at the end of the day- they are his "people" and they are on his side (if you will) and in the end- they don't care about me- just him. i thnk it's the sad truth in life-

his dad "loved" me- did it matter one bit - not to him or anyone else. it was just something to know-

no appreciable influence or result. same with his ancient aunt- these are the people he puts effort into and cares about- he knows they would disapprove (they both know- and do) HOWEVER - he is not one to inviter or listen to any "advice" so really- it doesn't matter. they are entities onto themselves only.



i'm glad to hear you say this. i'm tired to the bone of all my usual old junk i say and do. i get it- i do like myself, not a problem - HOWEVER - if all i had in my life was me- it'd be boring as hell - i'd be him- me me me me me me .......

on and on til i died of sameness. i like "the family" "the group" i am the ultimate pack animal- i like sharing everything- the good, the bad, etc. it makes EVERYTHING better to have someone to share it with. it's not even so much fun seing something beautiful without someone else to say wow with me. is that soooo awful??? raised second of five girls- have ALWAYS had a sidekick with me from one year on- wtf???
;


me too a bit - school will end in three or so weeks- what then for me???? do i shove myself in and go to fla (try and force that?) and see the babies and do that??? do i hang here and act like i'm having a ball without him- do i manage somehow to swallow my total pissed-off-ed-ness about being a one week in four sidelight to his life.??? do i fine a job at a store or something? do i, do i , do i , blah blah blah

i'm dying of stinking "strategy" - i want to go back to just living a life and being what i am and not thinking about every stinking step of the way- is it rite- smart? wrong? bad form? whateverthehell - i'm croaking from strategy overload.

you sound like it too- this stuff is such a stinker - isn't it? i can't believe seven years ago you were trying to get him off the couch- has it been so very long for you? you poor girl- i swear dawn- i sure hope God is listening and someday - someway- you and i move forward with or without and are smiling and being ourselves again- and totally happy & having fun again-

that's it man- need to get dressed - middle school - da da dummmmm- the hated class - we'll see if i can conquer this obstacle today. those little rats don't scare me (tho , maybe i should have fear?) who knows that one???

anyway- heels or flats? sleeveless or gonna freeze_ the larger questions in life.....

have a great day (or try anyway) xxoo ((( ))) don't let the discouragement get you down- we can do this (whateverthehell "this" is!!))

Dawn,

I loved the quote above. And I agree with you - the innocence is gone. We may have gained wisdom and strength, but we lost innocence and the belief that love would conquer all and the specific belief that those who love us will always love us.

I find that not only do I not trust anything that my xSO said; I wonder what else in our lives did he lie about? What else is hidden in the depths? I am also finding it hard to trust what others say. I used to trust.

I also had to learn to trust myself again. To be truly independent. I did but at an enormous personal cost. I learned I was as fallible as anyone else.

Dawn, trust yourself. If you can't make a decision that means you are not ready to make one. That is OK. It's a big decision. We support you whatever decision you may make.