Hi, I'd don't know if I'm happy for me. It's hard, but in one hand it's good I guess like Portia said, now if he keeps going like this, I, get to decide my life with or without him. On the other hand the distrust that comes with this brings up a lot of old wounds, recall, and even justiable anger. Hearing the words doesn't repair the R, it just unmasks what was always there for that moment. He could have reburied it 1000ft under by now.
I have been studying when a spouse falls out of L, me, what that means and if it can be relearned. Yea, relearned! It's teaching is that M is work and there no magic pill, only a handful of people have that "meant to be" love. Well I don't except that because I prayed on my M and felt it was God lead, so I pray on this junk and put it in his hands. I have prayed and gotten the answer I don't want to hear, but not about marrying my H.
I once prayed for guidance on buying a house that I ignored all day before the walk through, would you believe on the way to the house I ran over killing a possum, broke the camera for the walk through photos and just as I (continuing to drive there) got one block away drove into a ditch deep with snow! A guy tried to help me and his car, went into the ditch as well! I made it, singed off on the property (in pure rebellion) and two weeks later the company, of 15yrs, went bankrupt, and I went into emergency back surgery!
But, my M went smooth! The R was as if we were puzzle pieces that fit just right! So now what, nothing, wait, trust the process, have faith! I can't remember the old guy anymore, there has to be an emerging of a new, better guy for any of this to work. I keep saying to myself, we teach people how they can treat us, so demand respect!
Happy gardening!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
back again- i think last nite i hadn't read allll your recent last few posts. it's such a giant mixed bag of emotions -
i feel it too. like you - the fake yucky feeling of being bubblie or positive when you're feelin more like "end of the line" kinda state of mind. their creation- the whole darn mess - and us trying to act like it's not there? wtf???
h on phone yesterday perfectly pleasant- asking about my weekend plans (antique show) , etc- i asked if he was "going out of town" - he said no - & something or another. i said i needed to know how much time i had to spend working on getting to hate him and he said "don't hate me".
it's so jerky & pathetic isn't it? he could change it all in the flick of a switch too- i wonder if it's merely human nature and the minute you or I find we're more in command of sitch- we'll just blow them out the old air lock for all llll the torture they've subjected us to? one does have to wonder... i have to fight daily to just be "neutral" in life-
this cold sunk into my chest - woo hoo - so i'm tired this a.m.- & my "perky" is half dead today...
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It's not about her, I have to continue to learn how not to act or treat him based on EA, this is "my" R with him, however it turns out, what ever happens between us, it is only about us!
agreed - BUT, and it's a big one- how does one keep knowledge of ow and etc. out of our minds? and since it's there- it DOES in fact alter what we think of them and about them & possible future r with them. wtf do we do about all that???
this business of allll the broken trust & insanity - sure takes it's toll on our opinion of them as people.
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I'm just going to continue to let him feel his way around how to treat me, and how to act around me, he's been making an effort to be polite and thankful. I expect nothing, hope for nothing and I will stay as neutral as humanly possible.
good luck dearie. hope it gets easier and easier to be neutral and (for me anyway) not judging . h returns wed- my usual "blues" about , well, everything & anticipation of - what? feelin better - feeling worse? happier? more hopeless - what he'll be like this time? etc.
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We are really doing this aren't we? Soon it will be one yr on this site, we are kindred spirits!
has it only been a year? i thought two for me? shows you where my head is at- feels more like, ohhhh about 100.
i'm having trouble remembering things from your other posts- your comment about your h actually saying he wanted to ml to you- that's something huge - isn't it? happy for you- it's his own brain preventing him, isn;'t it? my h too- i despair of him ever ever ever getting "unstuck" in that dept.
it is a wierd thing- the similarities of our h's. both having "quirky" personalities that we found endearing (oh cripes!!!) and so forth.
I have to golook at your other posts and respond to a few of your comments- can't remember exactly what in here..
I hate this, hate this, I feel like a phony or a fake, or angry that I may be hoping there is change in H. NO! I won't let myself believe there is any hope because I will just be hurt, no assuming! If the actual words came out of his mouth to me about change, needs, wants, maybe I would give him the time of day, big maybe!
this is something i've said to myself and him many times. i'm done with the assumptions. finding out about ow- lies - finished off any "faith" or ability to give him benefit of doubt. i see now that i've put "good spin" on things for years & years , with him and everyone i know. bad behavior- i've got an acceptible reason WHY. I AM A JERK in that respect- totally.
that's a wierd thing to winkle out of one's personality- it's kind of tangled up with your outlook & faith in people in general being more good than bad...??? the old "is that the sort of person and out look you want to be and have?" thing-
do you see it as a nice element in your personality- or problem? hard thing to turn on and off like a faucet
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Anyway tho- I like hearing you say it out loud and that you've come to same conclusions as me in general. feel the same way- i've wondered if i'm being baby-ish - needing to hear the actual words. i do tho - like you - it's just the WAY IT IS NOW. THEY'VE created this breach- they have to fix it (kind of thing) does that make sense?
[quote]I want to give him someone worth trying for, someone to work toward, but what do I know about what I want?
now tht i'm here - i'm having de ja vu- or however you spell it. maybe i've said this to you already- you are totally on point with this. do you find yourslef - asking (yourself) if you're a person toooo concerned with who you are in reltion to other people in your life? can you actually envision who the "future dawn" will be? What she wants- will do in life- be in life - ???
i used to be a perfectly happy & normal person - now i find myself wondering if i feel like i only exist in my relationships?
on my own - totally on my own- i don't feel like it's fun or "a life". i find i don't enjoy things so much knowing i'm alone and doing things for me are not as pleasant as for someone else that is being made happy by it.. it's soooo dopey i can't even explain properly - are you experiencing anything like this? i don't want to be his doormat (or my mother's for that matter) - but suddenly everything i do- who i am- WHAT I DO is alll because of and for someone else- that WAS my pleasure. when it's going thru the motions with no reason - no love- nothing but "duty" - it's taken most of the pleasure out of life and allllll the things i do.
did that make any sense to you at all? i'm havin a serious issue here with WHO I AM - if i'm not who i thought i was. this man has succeeded in plunging me into my own little mini mlc black hole. holy cow! dawn- i am not going there. yet i feel at a loss to find me in there.
i can even understand why they try going all the way back to who they were before us- because if "us" isn't working for them (or you and me now) what the heck would one shoot for. how to envision a whole new you and new life- just run back to what you were. i can't even see the future me- i'm just plugging along one day at a time- wondering how it all turns out and what i'll do next-
i found self thinking "i will be" what i was - OH NOOOOOO....
I have no idea who new(me) wants to be- but i sure can't go back to being girl i was waaay back then. i wouldn't have morphed beyond it if it was soooo great! i can see how a person only can see themselves as what they were - rather than what they might be in future. it's a wierd insight.
i sure hope i'm not getting nuts from all the stress and bs for so long-
i was soooo sure i was sooooo happy with this guy- that knowing alot of it was lies and deception - makes it feel impossible to envision who would replace him in my life and affections - even if i wanted to at this moment (and i can't even think about THAT) - I CAN'T imagine anyone filling this giant gap in my life?!! maybe not him- maybe not no one- (nice grammar huh?)
you too???? wtf- i'm getting out of here- find more coffee- do something "interesting" or creative and try to quit thinking. it's fatal isn't it? the over-thinking. HOPW YOUR DAY IS HAPPY AND THINGS CONTINUE ON UPWARD slant- i guess as usual - WE'LL KNOW WHEN IT'S RITE. AND THAT probably includes everything.
maybe you will miraculously find yourself thinking "this feels right" about (something little ) about h? or something he says or does? fingers crossed- maybe maybe maybe- can't know til it all unfolds- we sure hate waiting don't we??? maybe it's like building up the entire r allover again- one little spoonful at a time- fifty million gazillion tiny words, feelings, thoughts, acts - like the first time. never knowing where it might go, might be - (except burdened with the knowledge of how good it WAS - got destroyed - ) that's the kicker isn't it? GOOD LUCK- I SURE WISH WE COULD MEET UP FOR A CUP OF COFFEE & scone & talk in person. it's such a wierd and soul-sucking experience isn't it??????
soooo - we hurry up - conquer this feeling , conquer that bad attitude - hurry up so you can - wait more amd more and more-
oh well- ((( ))) i have to quit this- hope your day is good - hang on - things seem to be looking up one tiny bit there - i don't want to say it out loud tho- enjoy today
I am on your similar timeline. Yesterday marked one year as the beginning of that light switch going off. of course I remember the date because it happened to be our anniversary. Here I was all excited...2years prior we had been celebrating in the Carribean. Had no idea there was even a light switch! I was so floundering in the dark. so, yesterday, bought my own flowers and took my kids out to a nice dinner. Keep saying just another day(no it isn't, yes, it is..all day long) So, now a day at a time. thoughts of stupid OW keep popping in from time to time, but know its more about H than her. some about her- thinks she's found her knight who is going to be her baby's daddy. Back to me. need to go take a walk, need to read. Trying to read The Power of Now. Think I have developed ADD! I read all these posts and get lost! Can't believe how many of us are out there! All I want is goodness, kindness justice in the world.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
i'm alone and doing things for me are not as pleasant as for someone else that is being made happy by it.. it's soooo dopey i can't even explain properly - are you experiencing anything like this?
Yes! I know I have it better w/kids and all but at the end of the day, I don't have a love of my own, to hold me, take care of ( i love feeding the one i love) cuddle w or even ML.
Yea, H has wanted to ML on two occasions and I have thwarted the idea successfully mainly because he puts himself down (ED). I don't have a problem trying to be intimate w him, his infidelity was almost 2 yrs ago as brief as it was, it's the chemistry.
Right now he's like a brother, there's no butterflies, no weak in the knee's, no tingle up and down brought on by a look or a touch. I have always been more sexual than him, wanting more, wanting different, uninhibited, so going back to him without as much as a flutter over me, sounds boring!
Doing anything for myself, by myself has always been a challenge. I have to say I am getting ok w being alone at times, mainly because I know the alternative is him, and the lack of it all. I want more, I can say (right now) I want new, I want the romance, the feelings, I'm so bored w trying to be in repair, and for what?
I will continue to let him try, I am being pretty receptive for the most part, while staying away, if that makes sense. I don't like the staying back part, it doesn't feel real, but I will see this to the end following the proverbial rules. What do I want? A perfect reconciliation w better than ever L, laughter, respect, faithfulness, loyalty, and honor
''Convincing a LBS spouse to pull away from his/her WAS spouse is often very difficult to do. The panic a betrayed spouse feels usually leads to doing the opposite – trying to win the wayward spouse over in various ways. The following post is a way to hopefully get the betrayed spouse to understand why pulling away is in the best interest of not only personal recovery, but possible marital recovery as well.'' Anyone reading this click the link and read the rest it's very good! Tell me what you think!
ME too. I have been such an air head, space cadet, w no memory since BD! What do they really do to us in the end, I see some people here make it out and regain themselves, but who knows about those that don't do well.
My anniversary is coming up June 10th, I think I will take a cue from you and buy myself something nice! You did very well, your right it is/isn't just another day, hopefully one day we can get that straight and be ok!
((())) dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Backwards! We moved backwards last night, not that we were really moving forward, but there was civility. H panics over a bad dream about evil taking one of our sons. He was so shaken his anger erupted as a way to cope and he lashed out.
I told him don't talk to me or be around my home with this spew, don't take my resent civility as acceptance. He thought I was accepting of the sitch, I said no, I am standing my ground, and acting true to my nature w/out letting you influence my actions, I'm not reacting!
He went on about junk calling me an angel, he's the devil, bla bla, and I said I was done with him! I'm done with all that comes with this! He threatened to move out then, I shrugged, he said he's going to have to take some money, I shrugged, he said he can live here and be quiet again, I said you don't get it, I'm done!
He threatened to not work today to talk to me, luckily he had to go! He left saying you've done nothing wrong, I stared!
He spinning again, he wants company in that, I'm not playing!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
does it ever end? i wonder? it seems sooo long dawn. i'm sorry you had this backslide- but then, you've had your head on straight about it all - - - all along. me, i get a bit "rosey" sometimes - not much lately tho.
you've definitely been standing your ground and have decided (something) about what you will and will not take.
i , like you, don't want to be what (apparently)h wants me to be in his life. i'm in it for more- waaaay more.
we're people who find themselves in the position of him not wanting me to be to him what i am (or was?) (or represent). who the heck knows?) and i do not want him as he is (definitely not the man i met and fell in love with)
can there be some kind of meeting of the minds about this all-
as usual - when i thnk of him coming back- i think why bother? if a week is all he has to spare- if he can't stand me around him for three weeks - then comes here for one week- for what I wonder? to make sure i'm still awful? to make sure i still compare unfavorably to ow? etc.
your h and the dream- the spew - wtf??? he sure reminds you why you are "done". (alot). mine too i guess, if i 'm honest. the neutrality and bizarre (feeling to me anyway) interaction that is mostly light fluff & bs . i'm soooo not a bs kinda gal in life. be real- or go away. i just don't do image and facade & so on at all. not me
oh well- i began reading that link you posted above- am here to go finish it. looked for a minute last nite- my nbeice was here working on herhomework & visiting so i didn't finish.
it's some stuff i need to read and reread and remember- i'm at my usual three weeks of not having to "be" anything in life- and now feel all like something is "expected" of me , my behavior- i do not think i can do the turn on a switch and be all charming and in love with him. i'm neutral a bit myself- i feel myself distancing - i keep on doing this - dbing- i don't know why exactly. convenience i guess- lack of desire to plung in and really really seriously ACCEPT AND DO the all alone thing. i can't imagine it's not coming-
the more and longer he is away- the less i want to feel for him- and the less i guess i actually do feel for him.
he's killing "us" - slowly but surely- your's is doing it by constant contact - mine by not so much.
hope your day is okay- you sound pretty good all things considered- let me go look at your link attqched - about withdrawing (which i know i need to do more- but it's kind of difficlut to show it over a stupid phone line?!!!
oh well- back to comment.
hang on- we're gonna laugh about this five years from now (i'm pretty sure?Q!) i hope anyway
