I am struggling again on the path to take. I have been continuing my upbeat behavior and being nice when he is nice. However, I notice I have to fight the irritability – my own that is. He seems comfortable around the house. I still see the unhappiness but we are really only around each other 2-3 hours a day on the weekdays. However, the more comfortable he seems the more irritable I am getting.
So I have two issues – first minor, I want to go to the movies again this weekend. I feel compelled to invite him but last week was yucky and I wish he hadn’t gone. He clearly did not seem to want to be there – so why did he go? I have two theories the first he just wanted to ruin it for me and the second he wanted to look like he was trying for his daughter. So do I just tell them I am going to the movies? Do I invite them? I know she won’t go. Thoughts please.
The other issue, I want to go away for the Memorial Day weekend but I really am concerned. I am fine going away by myself. I am afraid he is going to suggest I take his daughter and leave him at home. Fine, but I do not want the OW in my house. I just don’t. I am also afraid that I will need the time off later in the month because he might become a jerk and I will want to get away. Please let me know what you all think on this as well.
I don’t have an appointment with my coach until next week and by then it might be too late to make Memorial Day plans.
I woud invite him to the movies and if he goes with you stop negatively assuming why he is acting the way he is, you can only control you. If you sense something is wrong, ask him "Is everything okay" and accept whatever answer he gives. If he says everything is fine even though you sense he's being "yucky", just say ok and continue on. "Act as if".... hold hands if he's willing to, enjoy the evening together and maybe if he sees you enjoying it his attitude will become better.
If he doesn't go to the movies with you, go on you own and enjoy it just the same.
Best wishes!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
He said he maybe wanted to go to the movies. I said ok and left it at that.
However, I screwed up tonight, when he went to bed he said "good evening" Who says this? It was so formal -I gave him this look like you are kidding me right. He came back gave me a hug and I said good night.
We are having some neighbors over for HOA business and he asked me to send an email so I did and before he went to bed I wanted to ask him to pick some stuff up at the store tomorrow because I am leaving early in the morning and he has the day off or so i thought, He told me he is working. Remember OW is a coworker. This is where I screwed up ok maybe I screwed up by asking him to pick stuff up but I didn't think it was a big deal. Correct me if I screwed up before this.
I ask him if he just wants to be roommates until a certain date. He said no I said a normal husband would tell his wife he has to work. He said things aren't normal. I said given the situation he should be telling me where he is in advance. I know I know. Big mistake. It didn't lead to a fight. He calmly told me what his plans were for tomorrow. He has a therapist appointment and is looking forward to it.
What do I do now? Back to plan or do I have to do cleanup.
I am sooooooo tired of this, I am so tired of being dismissed or ignored. Him Working really doesn't bother me like it use to. What bothers me is I had plans and he invited people over. Since he did that I assumed he would take care of the house and refreshments, he even said to me earlier. I will have to clean up the house before people get here. It's actually not bad, but now that he has to "work". It will probably fall on me. I don't want to be embarrassed. Am I being too sensitive maybe I am just fed up.
He said he maybe wanted to go to the movies. I said ok and left it at that.
However, I screwed up tonight, when he went to bed he said "good evening" Who says this? It was so formal -I gave him this look like you are kidding me right. He came back gave me a hug and I said good night.
We are having some neighbors over for HOA business and he asked me to send an email so I did and before he went to bed I wanted to ask him to pick some stuff up at the store tomorrow because I am leaving early in the morning and he has the day off or so i thought, He told me he is working. Remember OW is a coworker. This is where I screwed up ok maybe I screwed up by asking him to pick stuff up but I didn't think it was a big deal. Correct me if I screwed up before this.
I ask him if he just wants to be roommates until a certain date. He said no I said a normal husband would tell his wife he has to work. He said things aren't normal. I said given the situation he should be telling me where he is in advance. I know I know. Big mistake. It didn't lead to a fight. He calmly told me what his plans were for tomorrow. He has a therapist appointment and is looking forward to it.
What do I do now? Back to plan or do I have to do cleanup.
I am sooooooo tired of this, I am so tired of being dismissed or ignored. Him Working really doesn't bother me like it use to. What bothers me is I had plans and he invited people over. Since he did that I assumed he would take care of the house and refreshments, he even said to me earlier. I will have to clean up the house before people get here. It's actually not bad, but now that he has to "work". It will probably fall on me. I don't want to be embarrassed. Am I being too sensitive maybe I am just fed up.
He invited people over, but won't be there when they get there, or he just won't be there for the prep?
If he just needs you to help with the prep, I'd suck it up and do it, that's what we do as mates sometimes---pick up each other's slack. So you'll be showing kindness by doing that for him with out complaint.
Asking him if he wants to be roommates and telling your H they way husbands should be (a "normal" husband would do this, that, etc...) probably wasn't the best way to word things. Inspite of that he seemed to respond in a good manner and you didn't egg it on to lead to a fight so that's good. Next time why not ask directly for what you want with out the sarcasm and insults? Just say, "hey I'd like to know you work schedule in advance", or "if you get called in to work let me know in good timing so I can plan accordingly".
I'm not a vet, but I say say don't do "clean up" and rehash what happened just let it go and continue to focus on whatever positive changes and techniques you're working on.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
He won't home for the prep. I have plans as well today - not working but other stuff like a therapy appointment. I will suck it up, but I would have liked to know all that before the people were invited it over.
This morning I have kind of just let it go. Learned from mistakes and moving forward as you suggested.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
It didn't but thank you for asking. I found someone who specializes in SBT. Since I like DB/DR, I thought it might be a good fit. However, he is more of a your problem is you drink too much, your an overeater, etc.
I don't have a specific problem like that. I like the coach I am working with for DB so I think I will just stay with her.
