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For reasons i cannot begin to fathom, my xh has been trying to get back into all of our lives (sons, dils and my own)

He entered Replay nearly 8 years ago, and was a very mean and vengeful man for a long long time.

He called me on my birthday and then tried to invite himself to my eldest son's birthday party - his latest stunt is to invite everyone to a meal when his brother is in town, and the invitation is extended to me.

So the line-up would be OW2, bil (who encouraged my xh to leave me in the first place) my three sons (maybe) all the dil/gfs have declined to enter into the charade, and me! now I have never met OW2, but I gather she is dull and unattractive.

How would this work? What bit of planet Zog is he inhabiting. The kids have all said that they resent the fact that xh thinks he can waltz back into their lives after a long absence and everyone will say 'WELCOME' I think if I were ever to meet OW2 (why would I want to?) it would be better to meet privately first, not just have me waltz into a restaurant, as Ex wife, dressed to the nines (I have a big meeting the next day and so would be very very groomed)

And xh keeps phoning me to talk about the children and seems to want my approval for his actions. I haven't spoken to him in years, and liked it that way. I do not get it. Either OW2 is very secure or totally freaked out by all of this.

Just to let you all know that even when they appear to wake up a bit they are fundamentally crazy. I do not like who he is, and keep contact to a minimum, and that for the sake of family issues that may arise.

Xh does not get that he caused a problem and the problem has not gone away just because 7+ years have passed.

Bea,
I am sorry that he just doesn't get it, but he's waking up and it's going to continue until both of his feet hit the ground and stay there. Bea, I do understand what you are going through. It just blows you away each and every time he contacts you after being such an nasty person years ago and the excuses he uses to contact you.

He really is trying to smooth things over in a big way by inviting everyone over for a meal when his brother is in town. I'm like you, why would you even want to participate in this circus? I understand totally how your kids feel and I do not blame them. Yes, it's okay to be civil because he is there father, but that's doesn't mean they have to sit down and eat at this circus.

Your xh is just on the crazy plane and doesn't know how to reconnect properly. As for the OW2...well, she's just as crazy if she thinks the family will welcome her w/open arms at dinner party such as this.

BTW, he really does want your approval for the things he's doing in his own crazy way. I think he's hoping that one day you'll get tired of his nonsense and open the door to him to step in and hopefully shove everything under the rug and all will be right w/the world. Yes, it's crazy thinking, but that's the way they think until they are back on planet Earth.

Bea, chalk his idea up to another one from the great world beyond.

Thanks SNodderly - I am gearing up for a big blow up from him - he gets very nasty if everyone doesn't enter into his little fantasy world.

You are right - I find it unsettling - he is so crazy and out of touch with reality.

My youngest son's gf says she finds it offensive that he thinks he can show up at their apartment with OW2 in tow - my son finds it distressing, and he never checks if it is OK. I cannot imagine bringing someone along to my children's homes without checking it was OK first.

I think he is very far from waking up, and rather wish he would go back to sleep. Out of sight and out of mind.

Bea,
I haven't had that experience and it has to be awful to have him show up with OW in tow. I don't blame your children one bit and I think it's going to eventually blow up and your children are going to tell him about it. He's really pushing the limit on this stuff.

I'm sure he'll blow up if he doesn't get his way, but he needs to step back and take those rose colored glasses off and realize you can't waltz back into people's lives after the damage he's done w/o making some sort of atonement. He really is still floating around Earth.

Bea, I don't think he's going to go back to sleep. In fact, I think he'll get worse before he gets better. He's on that train called "determined to get everyone's attention" and doesn't care if it's good or bad attention.

Bea, I am so sorry he's carrying on this way. I wish I had a solution for you and your children.

Interesting development.

Of course they try to reconnect with children first and then us, but he seems to be trying to skip part of that step.

I agree with what Snodderly wrote and can only say to keep your boundaries in place.

He is still in REPLAY and it has just morphed into a different orbit.

Bea, my friend, just when you think you got it all figured out, in steps jello brain - LOL!

You do what is best for you and as your children are grown, they can, too.

I dont think it is possible to figure them out. We can try, but, unless have gone nutty, too, it is impossible.

I think he is still unhappy and wondering why. So, let's try something else.

You keep being wonderful you, B.

Leave him to his jello brain.

Hi, good to hear from old timers and thanks as always for great input! I decided to take the bull by the horns and interfere - something I have long desisted from doing.

So I sent my xh the following email = lighted touch paper and retire - warning, do NOT try this in the early stages of MLC - I am trying HBs advice about the latter stages - a hard poke with a sharp stick.

"While I am saying like it is, your children and their partners find your bringing (OW) along when visiting them, without asking if it is OK, is impolite. Do you never consider how other people might feel? Who they might like to have in their home? Just because she is your long term partner does not give her any place at all in their world.

This is no symmetry in parent child relationships. We accept their partners, but they do not have to accept ours

Until you have sorted out your relationship with your children adding another person into the mix on their territory is unwise, and really out of order If you don't get this check it out with someone sane.."

This is a most uncharacteristic email for me to send. I have pursued a strict policy of non interference to date, and extreme politeness to my very diffcult xh but you know after 7+ years I do not care what he thinks or feels. But my youngest son's gf who is really polite is struggling with this, and doesn't know how to say it to him nicely. She doesn't like OW2, is very fond of me, and feels strongly that my xh should not show up with OW in tow. It is her apartment, and her home. Something my xh does not appear to grasp.

And yes, I believe he is going to get MUCH worse before he gets better However if you have survived abandonment divorce and breast cancer a few temper tantrums form someone who has lost his grip on reality isn't going to cut much ice,

I agree with Wentiki - Not if he came gold plated I have a total compassion bypass

Bea,
I think you said what you needed to say in a very polite and to the point manner. It will be interesting to see if he responds back, which I think he will just to keep the communication going. I have two thoughts: 1)he doesn't get it in the way of dropping in w/her rude; or 2)he does and is still bound and determined to shove that woman down the throats of everyone that he comes in contact with. It'll be interesting to hear how he responds back to you, i.e., it might not be today, but he most definitely will. He can't pass up what he thinks is a challenge.

I'm of the same frame of mind, except I would say "not if he laid golden eggs". They are just clueless.

Ah Bea, good on you for that 180!

Do not get in the way of a mother and her children. LOL!

And yep, S, I agree with the two outcomes.

Bea, you are in a good place, so, I know either way you got this.

Let us know which way he goes.

Curiously enough I think he is so entitled in his thinking that he doesn't even consider whether it is rude, and if others find it so, tough on them. So he doesn't get it is rude, and doesn't care if it is.

I think I will get a very angry email for daring to criticise him, for interfering in his life,and for him it will be 'proof' that I can't cope with him having relationships with other women. Curiously enough I never realised when I was growing up that this was a necessary life skill for a person to learn!!

I can assure you that my xh will not see this as polite!