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Have spent the afternoon going through some of the suggested links... I have read "why they run" - has answered so many questions/given clarity as to why he's in MLC.

I will attempt to post again with details of why I think its MLC/our sitch, its just difficult!

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It would appear that my partner thinks he can deal with this house sale without me - in his dreams!!! I have had quite a discussion with the estate agent today and made my position quite clear. If he cannot discuss issues with me directly then I will not give my authorisation to anything. I think I deserve the respect of him talking things through with me first. I want to tell him that he is no longer my first priority, I am. Is this being too confrontational?

I am angry today - he is pushing me just too far and I will snap soon. It takes a lot for me to "blow", but when I do... I am trying to take a step back but frustration is making me reckless!

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So... Why do I think my partner is in MLC.

The ILYBINILWY speech came completely out of the blue, he said he just doesn't "feel" it any more. He also said that if he had to divorce me (we aren't married) he wouldn't be able to come up with a reason - it is/was nothing to do with me, but with his desire to not be "the go-to man" any longer. To not have to put on a face to the world. To not be responsible. To live his own dreams. To not hurt me. There were others, but I'm sure you've all heard them before. He just wanted to sell the house and make sure I had enough money to look after myself because he still cares for me (well he did then, time tells, and he certainly doesn't act like he cares).

He had to take the week off work following the speech, he was a head case. Went to the docs, who recommended a councellor. (well that was all the story I got). But our NHS service does not provide this instantly, and he was just bursting to get things out. I managed to find a private councellor locally whom he saw 6 times and then announced she could do nothing for him. Although he admitted that this was all linked to his childhood. During this time we spent afternoons out together, at the beach, walking, just to get him out. Had to stop as he found this all too normal.

Of course, this is only part of the story. In hindsight I can see this has been ongoing for some time. I am not good on dates/timelines, although I can link in life events that I believe have had an effect.

We moved several 100 miles from my family so he could be in an area where he had spent happy childhood holidays, this hasn't been the experience he had hoped for. This was 5 years ago, during this time we have been through his mothers treatment for pancreatic cancer (which she continues to survive, just), a career opportunity he has always wanted failed to work out, he hates the only job he has managed to get during our time hear (low pay, mindnumbing, boring, etc) and we have had to spend most of our savings just living (he has spent the rest since on having a good time. His cousin (close in age) committed suicide without leaving any note of any explanation of what he was going through. his younger brother is in ill health. His father, who he hasn't spoken too for 30 years is in ill health ( his parents had a nasty divorce in his late teens) and his mother had been pressing his to visit him during the months before the speech. He did visit him the day after the speech as he was on life support and they weren't sure he would survive. He did, but my partner has not forgiven his mother for forcing him into this.

He is depressed (although he wouldn't admit it), he cant sleep (even now, months later, if he spends the night here he only sleeps for 3-4 hours), he has lost weight, lost interest in life, hobbies, me, dog.

About nine months before the speech he joined a social group (complete 180) and this has now taken over his life. He plays a character there, he is someone/something else - whatever he want to be. along with the socialising/drinking aspect he has also developed an EA with a woman who attends. is it a PA? Has always denied this, and looking at him - mmmmn.

We met some friends out one day about a month before "the speech" - I turned to them after because they had been through a similar situation several years earlier. When I called and said I wanted to talk they opened me with open arms. I told them about the speech and they were gobsmacked a) they never imagined we would be anything but a couple but b) he has looked so awful when we saw them they thought I was going to tell them he had a terminal illness...

Well I am sure that I could go on and on... but does this give you some idea of what I am dealing with?

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I have been reading through some of the links on your reading list - Thank you - quite enlightening, especially the "why do they run..."

Do they all receive a script delivered by the alien postal system with suggested speeches and actions, as many to be dropped into your life as possible - the intent to cause as much disruption and disbelief as possible?

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I am very proud of my actions today.

had some issues with partner and estate agent yesterday, and I was steaming... I did rather take the issues out on the agent, but they were partly responsible. I told them nothing would be dealt with until I had spoken to my partner. His contact with me can only be described as limited. He did call me last night. I ignored the call. Two reasons.

1. Why should I be available to suit him

2. I was so mad. I really wanted to push his buttons and be obnoxious.

Instead I waited. He did actually ring again today, which is most unusual. Did I rant. No. I was quite calm, quiet and kept to the basic facts. I ended the chat - at which time he told me to ring his mobile (I don't but he occasionally says call me if you need me) or e-mail him at work (that's a new one).

I hope this is good DBing.

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I haven't seen my partner now for over 2 weeks. It has been a month since he has spent a night here in the house. There has been no discussion about this. His time at home has got less and less over the past months - and now it is non existant, as is his contact with me. I have no idea where he is staying, or where he is getting the money to support himself. He is still paying all the household bills.

Today we have received another offer on the house - and he calls. I ignored it. I know I can't delay this forever, but I really need to be in the right frame of mind to talk to him - and he always sounds so cold and detached. The sale of our home feels like the end to me, and I'm not ready for that!

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Well... seems I will soon be homeless. The offer on our house is dependant on me being out by 24 July. As my partner seems to already be settled elsewhere it is now up to me to get me act together. Although I will get cash from the sale it wont be enough for me to buy a home outright, and as I haven't had a full time job for 10 years I will not be able to buy another home yet. Renting here is difficult with pets - and the last thing I want to do right now is give up my dog. So, need to get a plan.

One major problem with this is my family. While they are several 100 miles away I have not told them the whole story of my current sitch. They know partner is depressed, but everything else (i.e all the MLC cr*p) they haven't a clue about, including the fact he hasn't been here for more than one night a week, and not even that recently, for several months.

Moving day will be just a few day after the anniversary of BD!

Not a good day.

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Hi all alone-

So glad you found this forum - it'll help alot. i don't think i could have made it this far without all the input and kindness of total stgrangers that are going thru variations of the same darn thing. it's awful to think soooooo manyof us are out here - going thru this pain and upheaval.

i just wanted to say hi- and hang on best you can. there is no quick fix to this junk (so i'm told - and God knows it feels like a thousand years to me.

i've mastered the "one day at a time" - honestly- i can think of days when i was soooooo mise4rable i was pretty sure i'd just explode from misery- couldn't think- eat, etc. - but i didn't.

just one foot in front of the other- and one more nite to try and sleep. it's getting better a bit now (2 yrs since finding out THE REAL TRUTH about this guy. it stinks - there's no two ways about it.

i flip and flop on the issue of his "pain" - and generally think he's a selfish jerk. he is a messed up guy tho- i always just viewed it all as "quirkey" - found a buddy here - Dawnmarie- similar kind of guy.

your first post was tiny compared to mine. had been a legal secretary for about 2a5 yrs., so can type faster than i can think.

i come here to yell & scream- ask for input and help- go bonkers and rant til my brain's going to explode- offer sympathy and the knowledge that i can feel someone's pain-

it's awful that we need it- it's the most awful experience of my life - BUT - it's sure helped me and i'm grateful this forum is out there and everyone in it. i've never been to any other forum besides this-

who ever would have 5thought we'd (any of us) find ourselves here.

try and not view it as your failure. i too feel sometimes i contributed- we all do since we're alive and living in the same space- but honestly- i'm thinking this is all my h's "junk" which he is happily trying to palm off on me.

your h rushing like mad about the house is terrible. can't you just cancel the lookers and go to your race. after all- this is his thing- if he can't be there to do it- why are you obligated to see something thru he's orchestrated??

i'm thinking in general - in life- (and i could be wrong- but i'm a pretty terminal romantic, etc.) (tho, mind you, after the last 2 0r 5 years- i'm pretty darn suspicious of eerything and everyone) - BUT FIND that at the end of the day- i still feel overall if it's meant to be- and even if you guys move far apart, etc. - if he realizes he's wrong or nuts or returns to the land of the sane (and i6t's a type of insanity in my book- the wacky things my h has said and done) - he can always find you. nobody says you can't talk or whatever is available.

THAT'S THE WORST PART_ NOT KNOWING- FEELING POWERless - letting the person hurting you the most call hs own shots and yours too- $ucks like mad - oh well huh?

we're here because we're all going to give it a try to save the r before just walking away- or drifting away- so here we all sit- facing this awful uncertainty andlimbo life.



I have lived with a man for 38 yrs or so- a couple years ago found out he was cheating- lying (like mad for some time) etc. total melt down- i thought i'd croak and fall rite into a hole in the ground.

i didn't- it took a couple years for me to finally be getting a bit normal- and still do not really have "a plan" other than sitting quietly (when i can manage) and waiting for wisdom to come around and bong me on the head. it's less terrible -

when it first happened- someone said view it as an automobile accident- you're laying in the street bleeding- first breath - then stop the bleeding - then worry about.....(whatever) . i could honestly view myself as that- just breath - don't rush yourself to have understanding or control - it's just not possible i think.

i hope all your offers fall thru and you can stay where you are til maybe your h realizes he doesn't want to go- or have you go-

I can totally feel your pain- we're all here- feel free to write anyting you have to say- nobody is going to judge you- we've all be there

sometimes i come just to have an understanding human being "listen" andi journal and rant- or ask - or whatever.

it does help- it may seem like it- but it won'tkill us if we don't let it.

we are what we can control- so breath, don't blameyourself. don't criticize yourself- SOMEONE ELSE SAYD -

TREAT YOURSELF AS YOU WOULD YOUR BEST FRIEND - IF IT WERE HER IN THIS MESS.

I took it to heart. i expect waaay too much of myself in life- i'm only human and so are you.

you're probahbly a wonderful person whose just got (unfortunately) an mlc mate - good luck- i'll be around and pop in to read - my thread is sooo long and jacked up- i'd say go read it - but it would probably put you in a coma -

HEY- SLEEP AID IF YOU NEED IT. hang on- we're here- we honestly do f'ing understand.

xxo

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Hi All Alone.

Welcome to DB. Sorry you are going through so much misery.

I totally get how you feel all alone. I do have children, but no other relations... when/if my H and I split I too will be all alone.

I guess you need a housing game plan first and foremost. Is there anything holding you in the area you currently live? (Maybe another locale would be more affordable & pet friendly)I know you said your fam doesn't know the sitch,and I gather you perhaps are more comfortable keeping it that way? but are they in any position to help out with a place to live? Even if just temporarily until you find a good option?

So much for you to deal with smirk

Good that you have the friendly couple for support. Of course, you probably have read its best not to tell too many people whats going on because that can make it more difficult for the WAS to return. But certainly you need some sort of support.

It is good you have kept your cool when dealing with your partner, that is good dbing smile

Best of luck to you AA. I hope you will keep us updated.


Me 46 H 56
M 22 yrs
S22, D20, Twin Ss18

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
What you stop.
And what you reinforce.
~~~~~~~
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
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Dear Nero and Mizjjd- thank you both for posting on my thread, and thank you to all of you who post the good and bad of your sitch on this site. I have only posted a few times, but I have spent along time of the past months reading some of your stories. It would also seem that I have learnt a lot from your experiences.

I may not be in the place that I want to be, but I am in a much better place than I could have ever imagined when all of this started. I visited my C today - he said that he noticed such a difference in me (body language) as I walked across from the car. I feel much more "me". I talked to two old friends on the phone yesterday. A really good GF based in Oz, who I always thought was so "together". She told me she admired me for the way I am handling this situation and that she could never have done this (as she is 3x divorced I guess not LOL). But I also found I was really listening to her probs, which is not how the sitch usually is with us.

My other friend and his partner came to lunch last weekend. He told me they could believe how comfortable and relaxed I seemed in myself - Said I seemed even better than I was before all this BS started. He also took on my advice to just sit back and see what happens with some issues he has - I wonder where I got that gem from.

My c says I have come along way - and he is right. But I think you have all helped me- So I thank you all soooo much.

I have also learnt:

NOT to pry (learnt very early on the hard way. What the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over.

STFU - learning to keep my mouth shut has been a hard one.

To sit back and let the answers come to me.

To take the time and space when hurt/upset to be on my own. Reacting in the heat of the moment burns your fingers... I deal with sitchs much better when I have calmed down and thought things through.

PMA and GAL do make a big difference.

I have more patience than I could ever have imagined.

there is always someone else who is worse off than you - some of you who have been standing for years, with small children, health issues and the like are all in my prayers.

This isn't about me, and I didn't cause it and can't fix it.

None of us deserve this - but we are strong, good people who will rise above all of this with dignity and grace. No one will be able to turn to anyone of us and say we didn't try to save our relationships.

I have always believed that my partner will come back - and that belief remains. It hasn't stopped me moving forward though. One step at a time...

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