Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Quote: "I see someone leaving a trainload of openings."
Now I see that with my WAW too - thank you. I guess if I have the strength, I can be "friends" with my WAW after our divorce.
kevinlost - keep detaching, giving her space and pray - I'll pray for you too.
Hud
Hud,
Something I don't understand but see repeated throughout the BB...why do you see a D as being the end of it all??
This has always puzzled me because I don't necessarily see a d that way. A d is the end to the current contract of marriage yes, but WHY is it the end of the R? Where does it say that once a d is final DB'ing becomes null and void and is no longer a necessity to practice?
If your W does divorce you does that mean you will instantly stop loving her? Will you wake up the next day and feel nothing just because a piece of paper was signed by a judge and notarized?
I have often wondered if a fence-sitting S follows through with a d because it is expected of them, if they dont think/feel that at some level they would be failing themselves by backing out on something they SWORE to you they were going to do? I've also wondered if an S that sees a d through isn't also just trying to dispose of what they perceive as a "failed" M in a physical form but in their heart HOPING to start a NEW M with the same person? If that were true then wouldn't DB'ing still be a course to continue rather then abandon?
Now I'm not saying this holds true for all WAS's out there...some do leave for good because that is the way they want it to be. I just think that those types are the EXCEPTION to the rule.
With that in mind...take a step back from your sitch and REALLY look at it. THINK about what you have done DB- wise and the results you have gotten. If you BELIEVE you have a "trainload of openings" being offered then what are they? Write them down. Compare them to your goals...did you meet some and not realize it, were they met in a way that you didnt EXPECT them to be met? If you are seeing baby-steps but your W still gets a d....well, thats ok too. IT DOESN'T MEAN SHE CAN'T/WON'T CHANGE HER MIND LATER ON!!
My H once came home from one of his "late" nights and we laid on the bed and started talking. I offered no recriminations for his coming in 6hrs late...I just laid there and listened. He told me I know that if we were to split up I would want you back. It might not be right away but I know I would be beating down your door eventually. I would like to believe that if it ever came to that, that we have enough between us that you would forgive me and take me back into your life. I just can't imagine my life without you in it.
My H rebuffed that statement many times through later actions and angry words but I still held on to it. He spoke those words in a lucid moment and it came from his heart and I KNEW that. Those few words saw me through some hectic months and they kept me from walking when it would have been easy. They were enough to get me to resolve that even if my H did seek a d I would still not give up.
What is YOUR lucid moment...be it words or actions?
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
But why follow through with the divorce if they are wanting to start fresh. Why not renew your vows? Isnt that a fresh start? Why put the lbs through all that hell??
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
kevin, for what it is worth, I think that if you do what Zoo said...be a father, and NOT a husband to her, DB even when you don't think you should, there might not be a divorce! You have to stick to your guns on this...because everytime you plunge back in, doing too much for her, running to her when she calls you, it goes back to square one. The most insightful thread to me is jakes...you don't have to be mean, ugly, or rude, but you have to get your own thing going on (even if you are acting like it) and be kind, listen to what she is saying without reacting. You can do it! Like you, I hate to see a divorce happen if it doesn't need to. It can make someone like you become very gunshy of getting back together...after all the pain, money that is spent, bad memories of it all...so just change the way you are doing things. Read jake's post...
Just wanted to say thanks for your thoughtful and thought-provoking post. I want to respond thoughtfully myself, and so, will do it when I have more time.
Okay, I have a moment, and besides, I'm anxious to counterpoint this one a little.
Let's start from your position that the D is just a piece of paper (and we'll ignore for purposes of this discussion the spitirtual idea that a M is a covenant between H, W & God).
If that's all it is, then why is it so important for the WAS to obtain? To evidence the death of the "old M?"
Perhaps, but I would argue that at the bottom of it all is the WAS' need to establish with certainty that they are no longer committed to the LBS or the M.
Maybe it's so they can embark on a new R wih the LBS from a "clean slate." Maybe it's so they can see if the grass is greener too.
Point is, they are NOT committed any longer.
Yes, we may still love them. But, neither should we remain committed to them either. We need to move on as well. We can still DB, sure - but I would state that it would be healthier for the LBS not to SEEK OUT those opportunities - just do it when the WAS pops up.
Zoo, I don't think we disagree here really. My advice to kevin is ultimately the same as yours - keep being a great father but stop being a husband.
Ok easier said than done. How do I stop being a husband to my Wife???? How do I stop doing things that I like to do for my Wife???
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
