Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is this MLC or WAS? Don't know what to do...

How Are you holding up today BF?

BF, I've been reading a thread that Cadet recommended, called Doormat Tactics at 
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

These quotes were posted in 2010 and 2011. They really touched my heart, as most of my friends and relatives think I'm an idiot for letting my H come home after he left me for 2 weeks to be with the Russian Tramp OW. 

"In an aggressive society, many people live believing that if you do not 'stand up for yourself' that you are a doormat. However, in choosing to live your own life, be responsible for your own actions, exhibiting self control instead of going off half cocked because of some injustice or wallowing in a pit of self pity, while your MLCer lives life, you ARE standing up for yourself."

"Until the MLC starts showing positive and real signs of coming back...boundaries and consquences hurt you and what you think you want, more than they hurt them. You are pushing them and pressuring them to assuage your own desires, regarding them in a relationship role they have shown you...they currently do not want." 

"Your goal is to outlast their MLC. Their confusion and their selfishness. You're not going to get them to stop, and if you try you usually hasten them along and further into their selfishness and tunnel. You demand from them, and they run away from your demands, ignore them or decide they are better off without you controlling them."

"You accept these bad behaviours with an eye on your prize, you came to Divorce Busting for a reason. It was to stop your divorce...it isn't called...say Affair Busting. So get used to the idea of getting used to bad behaviours."

Portia, yes, it is difficult. I’m also surprised at how long I’ve been experiencing all these feelings. I thought I was strong… I came to this country from a completely different world. I had to start over with my carrier when I was almost 30. I had to take care of my son, I had no other relatives, except my H’s brother and his family, but they had their own lives and I could not rely on them for any help. I earned my second Masters here while working full time, keeping the household, driving my son to his sports and other activities. My H was traveling for work quite often, so I was pretty much a single Mom a lot of the times. I achieved what I wanted in my professional life. Because of this we were able to afford to live in the nice house and the city my H always wanted to live, we were able to afford a vacation home, which he now wants for himself (he is leaving me the house, which is has more value though.) Sometimes I feel that he was just using me. I know it is not true, he is not that kind of person. But, I cannot get rid of this feeling recently.

My friends were very supportive of me through all these months, but I think they are running short of patience. They don’t want me to be hurt. Interesting part is that this GF who left me a message about moving on is actually divorced. So, she went through this herself, except it was her who initiated the D. But, I remember her calling me and crying for a number of years before she finally got D’d. Her H was emotionally abusive and a complete j@rk. I think she forgot how many times I and my other GF told her to get out of that M, but she still had some hopes that it could change. I remember listening her crying on the phone and thinking “here we go again”, but I also remember that I was not pushing her too hard, I was trying to listen. She did what she thought was right for her and at the time that was right for her. Now, the situation is reversed, and I want the same kind of understanding. Even if I go for D right now, it will not change my feelings for while, I will still have bad days and cry.

Hi BF, I thought I'd answer your question here in your thread:



I haven't done Landmark although I might consider it. My work has primarily been through Klemmer as well as Robbins / Madanes.

I have to run off for the evening, but will take a closer look at your sitch and maybe can offer some feedback, if you would like.

Linda, thanks for the info. Can you re-post the link, it doesn’t work for some reason. These are very valuable quotes. I’m just not so sure that my H is in MLC. If he is, he is not an angry one, and there is no bad behavior per se. And he doesn’t follow the MLC script sometimes, at least from my point of view. My DB coach said that he shows some signs of MLC, but he is also a WAS.

In any case, I will copy these quotes and read them every day.
I’ve been feeling better in the last couple of days. But, I still have ups and downs a lot. It is amazing how the feelings change throughout the day. It is definitely a rollercoaster… Even with no contact from H. I think that I will get something eventually, since he is at work and there some business matters that need to be addressed periodically until I split from the business.

Interesting thing is that he expects me to forward him his mail. I felt like he was a little bossy when he told me that some mail needs to be dealt with immediately, like his Jury Duty notice. It was a little weird, like he was trying to tell me that I’m not been responsible. Maybe he is getting his clarity back, who knows.

KD, thanks for stopping by! Yes, I would like your feedback.

I haven’t heard about Klemmer or Robbins / Madanes. I’ve done Landmark and I found it to be in some conflict with DB. I’m kind of lost on which approach I need to take. My Landmark coach urged me to call my H and talk to him, and apologize for my faults in the M breakdown. They call it to become complete. I understand this concept, but I don’t think I can do it right now in my situation.

Hello Bright! Sorry for messing up the link to the Doormat Tactics thread. I'll try pasting it again: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

That seems longer, hopefully it will work.

You sound like a very strong, brave and determined woman. Are you still seeing the Landmark coach, or are you seeing a DB coach? I just started coaching thru DB and found it pretty helpful. A big problem I have is that, as I mentioned earlier, most of my family and friends were scandalized when my H left me, and even more scandalized when I let him return. They all say kick him out, and I do not want to.

Linda, thanks for the link. It worked this time.
The Landmark coach session was part of the seminar that I was taking. The Landmark Education is not a marriage saving program, it is a program to transform the quality of life, help people to identify the obstacles and realize their goals. I did learn a lot in it, but when I took the first course I already experienced some transformation on my own.

I have one more session with DB coach. I’m not sure when I will schedule it though.
Fortunately, my friends and family do not have animosity towards my H. They are mad at him, but they understand and support me most of the time. They will also understand if I decide to wait it out. I just need to stop complaining, so they don’t feel that they need to rescue me right away. And the rescue to them means ending this limbo.

I can understand your situation. I have a lady who became a friend recently, and she went through a painful D. She is the one who always advises me to move on and file for D myself. She is still very bitter about her D. I’m not sure what you can do in your situation about your family and friends. I would just avoid the subject all together. It is not their business.

So the last time I had popped by your topic, it was very specific to discuss what I'd seen you posting at that time.

I had a chance to skim your full thread (BTW, you probably should start a new one before the moderators lock this one for being over 100 posts).

If you would like someone to affirm that your H is likely MLC or at least in life transition and borderline MLC, I am willing to say that.

At the end of the day though, keep doing the work you are doing. Trust in the recommendations of the DB coach. It will serve you well.

It is possible that even if you filed D and everything went through, your H would continue to behave exactly as he is, for some time to come. Not because of what you are or are not doing, but because while he is working through his own stuff, he assumes that the rest of the world is staying exactly the same.

It remains entirely up to you if you want to continue to stand for the M or to "give up" and move on. Whether WAS or MLC, it is possible that your H may eventually want to R due to your own personal growth as well as your H realizing that life isn't better "out there".

Right now, do you have any clear determination as to whether you wish to continue to stand or accept the D as inevitable and wish to move forward accordingly?

Started a new thread. KD, my reply is the new thread "11 month, still here..."
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2350014#Post2350014