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We're not starting the 20 mins of silence till tomorrow.
I did say 3 sentences to her today and shut up. She looked me in the eye said 3 sentences back while laughing. It was definitely an ice breaker.
Out interaction is definitely good again, but I won't be surprised if she goes cold after her breast surgery. But I still feel like I am good either way and do not have any expectations

I am glad to hear you don't have expectations.
After today with several Positive interactions with my W, I am struggling not to fall back into missing and wanting her. I can't wait for a few more days to pass with little to no interaction so that I can regain my distance.
I am happy for you!
Stay strong!

Thanks JP! The more you distance the easier it will get. I promise.
I use to worry constantly about going to see my son and then being around W and how it was going to effect my attitude. I was always worried what if we talk about this or what if this comes up. Having no expectations takes away the "walking on eggshells"
It allows me to just be me again which seems to cause more positive intercation.
Having said that, i still try to distant myself where I can. I will take son outside to play or we will leave and go to park.

Somehow I got drawn into a conversation with the W.
Seriously hate talking about this stuff with her now.
She is reading the 5 LL's though. And she also said that she knows she's made the "road to reconciliation alot rougher"
She then told me she is going to beach with a friend in a couple weeks. Her friend Julie who is friends with OM. She said just the 2 of them not a couples thing. I said it doesn't matter, not my business. She said she even asked OM of he had a problem with her going with a friend of his and that she could show me the text to him. Once again i said i dont care! She said that there is less than a 1 percent chance of a future with OM and she knows that. Once again I said, "I don't care and I do not want to discuss this. This is frustrating and I'm leaving."
I get the following text from wife:
W: I asked if he had a problem w me making plans with Julie. Sorry I don't understand. I'll just say I'm going out of town next time

Me: I can tell you don't understand. I'm not mad. Just frustrated. It's about respect. You have enough respect for him to ASK if he had a problem with you making plans with Julie. Whereas me you don't ask you just TELL me you are going. It just shows me were things stand. It's ok.
I'm not mad at you for going or telling me. I'm frustrated with the situation is all I'm saying.
Does that make more sense?

W: I guess but I respect you to tell you and be up front. And I told him to tell me if he had a problem not that I was actually going to change plans if he did.

Me: Hence my point of you even asking him.
I appreciate you telling me. Like I've said trust between us has to start somewhere. How can we raise S together when we divorce if we can't be honest with each other?
So I think that's so important regardless of what happens.
Somehow we went from my dad to all this talking again. It's obvious we have things we both want to discuss. But it's plainly obvious that it will go no where without any outside help directing us.
I'm very happy that you have started reading that book. I really wish you would go see MC by yourself so she could maybe help you with te confusion and the things you want to make better for you. Because that way she can give you some advice on how to proceed.
Until then let's please really try to stay out of these talks. They end up going nowhere. I've asked for this already, hopefully we can try to avoid this for now.

W: I agree

Me: all in favor say "I"

Me: I!!

W: I haha



I just don't like my emotional feeling after these talks and especially don't want to hear about crap about OM. I just feel like I she really wanted to try and change something she wouldn't be going on beach trip with OM friend. And this is why I have no expectations even when things she says seem to be leaning towards wanting to try to work on things.

From my perspective, having her nonchalantly discussing OM with you and describing any of her interactions with OM is BS! Could she be more insensitive? It seems twisted to think that it's "respectful" to share the details of how you're cheating. Respectful is not cheating.

If you can cbtdad, I would engage your IC/MC/DB coach's help in framing a boundary on this one that makes sense. It's going to be a tricky thing to word and communicate properly without starting an argument. Once that boundary is established however, guard it with your life.

You should not have to be involved in any details at all regarding OM except for the fact that there is to be no more contact ever if your marriage is to work. That's the only detail she need share, that "it's over forever". If you *ask*, she should be honest in the spirit of transparency, but to volunteer is just hurtful.

You handled that well, but you need a bigger fence there.

Acc

C, you cannot "find" yourself in these conversations. Or round and round you will continue to go.

If you need to set a boundary, be prepared to follow through.

C: I have asked that we not have these discussions. If they start, I am going to.........

And then do it.




Gotta detach, C. Gotta keep looking inward. Gotta let her blow in the wind right now.

Get to gettin'.

Totally agree Accuray.
Btw, when she said "I think there's less than a 1 percent chance of future with OM"
I wanted to say what chance of future diner have. I'm sure it's greater than 1 percent. Then I would have said why continuing to make choices towards the smaller chance.
Not my place though. Lol
Thought it was best to say I don't care

WoW, Acc, that was weird. We were typing similar things at the same time. LOL!

C - respect should be her not discussing OM with you, period. I'm not sure how you do it, I wouldn't be able to listen to that. Unless you're alright with that I think you need to figure out a way to shut that down ASAP.

I also think you need to avoid these types of conversations for a while. Typing on this IPad is slow as hell for me so can't elaborate now but I see more then just frustration in what you texted.

Urworthy, no question I am not totally detached. I've come a long long ways in that department, but I am not completely there.
I know it's going to take continued space for that to happen.
I don't have expectations of what might happen in this. I've come to learn not to be surprised by anything and that it could go either way and that I need to try my best to keep focus on me.
Spartan, I agree respect shouldn't be her saying anything to me about OM. It's why I tried to say I don't care, etc
It's why I finally left and didn't want to continue. I guess I should have just addressd it simpler in my texts afterwards. I'm still working on that.
The next 4 days will make it a lot easier for space for sure. We shall see