I have not applied any pressure to commit at all over the last months, but I feel that I have been trying to control certain areas of our R, and I think this is what has caused BD2 and also to make W accuse me of trying to make her stay / or enjoying watching her suffer. (That and not wanting to engage in discussions on D / selling house etc) From now on i am backing off more, if she wants to do things I am not going to point out the downfalls of these things, only support her like I would a friend. Maybe even if I think something is a bad idea, let her try it out. Because having my say is what I have always done, only because I care, but I can see how this could come across as controlling and W not being her own person.
If you can manage this ^^, it is a great observation and a good 180. Many of us on this Board are natural "fixers". I am. Give me a problem and I want to solve it. Of course we do it because we care (and CLEARLY they are making an error ) What I am so slowly learning is that sometimes, people do not want their problems solved, they want someone to listen AND sometimes, they must do things their way in order to learn that it does/does not work.
I have not had to live with my MLCer so I don't have much advice for you otherwise, but if your W is at least not angry with you and you can learn to control your own emotions (the REAL reason DBing is so hard) then your situation has potential. Count the positives. Learn from the negatives.
It is OK to let go. In fact, it is best that you do. Letting go does not mean giving up.
Hey P, thanks for stopping by. It would certainly be a 180 and its not going to be an easy one - I'm gonna try though. I have always been one to tell my W what she needs to do to solve a problem, been the man that fixes her problems, would do anything to stop her getting into trouble or stressful situations. Even stopped her from saying things to people to keep the peace or avoid conflict with that person. But at the same time when it comes to my life I have always wanted her opinion, her to give the okay. I realised today I was thinking about something and thought , what would my W think about that? I have spent too long asking for her reassurance, her go ahead and worrying of she will agree with what I am thinking and liking.
It's time to let her do what she thinks is right and let myself make my own decisions and have my own opinions. Maybe this way she will feel the true sense of independence and also gain some respect back for me and my decisions.
Wish me luck
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Well kind of failed at this already. W was upset about something my daughter said which was in connection to one of her recent decisions and I tried to make her feel better. It was part validation and part saying how I saw it / thought about it. I should have just stopped at the validation. Although, maybe I need to be there for her to support her. I always used to be good at making her feel better, but I get the feeling my W feels I have been not recognising her problems over the past few years.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Does anybody ever get to the point where you are not sure what is a 180 anymore?
I just had to sit and really think of how I used to be, and if what I am doing is a 180 or a 360. I am not really sure if what i am trying to explain makes complete sense!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I have this exact same question ^^^^. W has cited a lack of communication in our M as a major problem, so I don't know if giving her space now is a 180 a 360 or just falling flat on my face
It's a bit of a no-win situation sometimes -- a real Catch-22 -- because the solution to the problem sometimes seems to make the problem worse.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
//and let myself make my own decisions and have my own opinions. Maybe this way she will feel the true sense of independence and also gain some respect back for me and my decisions.//
we are alike here!... have you been walking on eggshells for a very long time? afraid to make a decision?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
//and let myself make my own decisions and have my own opinions. Maybe this way she will feel the true sense of independence and also gain some respect back for me and my decisions.//
we are alike here!... have you been walking on eggshells for a very long time? afraid to make a decision?
Ha ha - are we the same person?
Very much so. I feel like the last few years I have not wanted to say anything in case it upsets W, not wanted to go out because it felt selfish and not wanted to make decisions by myself.
Although my confidence in pulling this off is wavering I am determined to break this cycle. It makes me needy, weak and pathetic. I need to be strong, confident and attractive. Basically the person I am when not around my W!
Sound familiar?
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I think if all of us LBS really think about it....we have been walking on egg shells for years. I think we are all in tune somewhat with our spouse and can recognize trouble. If they made statements or smaller BD's in the past, it only raises our guard as we stumble through our R trying to fix things, please them, or avoid exasperating the problem.
PS..how many posts does it take to get off moderation. I have posted/responded to 15 threads and started one of my own, but havent seen anything yet almost a week later . I know, I know, patience.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
I think if all of us LBS really think about it....we have been walking on egg shells for years. I think we are all in tune somewhat with our spouse and can recognize trouble. If they made statements or smaller BD's in the past, it only raises our guard as we stumble through our R trying to fix things, please them, or avoid exasperating the problem.
PS..how many posts does it take to get off moderation. I have posted/responded to 15 threads and started one of my own, but havent seen anything yet almost a week later . I know, I know, patience.
Ha ha - I would say around 15 by the looks of it!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
) What I am so slowly learning is that sometimes, people do not want their problems solved, they want someone to listen AND sometimes, they must do things their way in order to learn that it does/does not work.