Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis BANG! Bomb Drop Number Two

Ha, I did this too! I wanted to see or confirm to myself that it wouldn't be the end of the world. There are other women out there, and I wouldn't be alone. I think it helped a little. Like you, I had no intention to date anyone now, just needed to see what was out there.

Can I make a quick suggestion? Take it down immediately. You're not ready for that yet, and believe me when I tell you, if she ever finds out (she will most likely) she'll read that as you're done so she might as well be too.

Until you're done, know that there are plenty of people out there and you don't need to "peek" at it. It won't help and you're not done with this relationship yet.

Think about it at least.

AJ

^AJM is right. No good will come from this.

Hi AJ, yes you are correct i will take this down. I didn't load a photo or any specific detail, but i guess there is probably enough for my W to make an intelligent guess. Plus its distracting me.

I think I am just very confused at the moment as my W is 80% of the time being great to be around. We are having fun, eating together, cooking for each other, doing things at weekends with the kids.

We are the perfect flat mates. Separate rooms, no physical contact or exchange of anything loving, sharing household expenses but making our own decisions about our own purchases.

When she does get upset its usually because things are not going to plan for her, or she is feeling panicky or upset. The blame or mood is directed at me, but I now know not to take this personally.

I think its the missing physical and loving contact that has made me look ahead and wonder whats out there. I feel like i need this back, and as much as I would rather it be my W, if that's not to be then I needed reassurance that i've not had my lifes quota.

Plus the overhanging unknowing of my W's trip away. Is she meeting a friend, spending it with OM, or just meeting OM for a short period?

As FY said, his W is always pleasant and excited about getting away, and I don't blame my W, she is stuck in the house with the kids and this must be a huge escape for her - she deserves it. But I also have doubts about whether its the limerence kicking in before a meet up.

I knew this trip away would challenge my detachment. I am feeling okay about it right now, but its starting to play on my mind a little.

I am determined however not to ask questions, not to look concerned, not to act nervy around W about this. I will not let this ruin any progress made.

She is just starting to share things with me, ie show me things she has bought (before she would just assume its not my business), she asks how i am, tells me when she is taking lunch. I take these things as a good sign.

She also slips up occasionally, 90% of the time she talks about being apart and having to take responsibility about out own decisions and issues. Sometimes however she will say things joke about things like, 'don't ever wear anything like that, it will reflect badly on me' followed by a quick - 'well, i guess its up to you now'. I don't read into this, but i think is shows she has not moved on 100% yet, or forgets we are heading towards D.

Wow - that was an offload! I'll go and take my dating profile down now

I feel like its time to take a look at my goals and make sure i am heading the right way. I have them to hand here, but almost feel that by posting them I am setting them more in stone.

Would be great if anybody can tell me what they think - good or bad - all will be well received.


MAIN GOAL: Become a H only a fool would leave - a much improved version of the person my W fell in love with, a person that knows how to treat W better than any other man, and a person that she admires more than any other man. After all I am the father of her children, what better combination for a H!

Goal 1: Find 2 new hobbies to be passionate about.
One of these hobbies must be social and one can be done by self

Goal 2: Renew contact with old friends and socialise with them
Meet with friend/s at least once a month.
Talk to friends by email or text at least once every 2 weeks

Goal 3: Improve self confidence and self esteem
Go to the gym at least twice a week
Eat a more substantial diet to increase weight
Drink only at weekends, not on weekdays unless socialising
Take pride in how i look and dress
Make small talk with strangers (not in a wierdo way!)
Learn to accept compliments
Be assertive and stand up for myself, have my own opinion.

Goal 4: Become a financial guru
No spending unless it affordable
Have a debt repayment plan
Log all money spent
Find ways to save money and implement them
Sell anything thats not used / needed on ebay! Sell at least one thing per week.

Goal 5: Enjoy spending time with the kids
Find time to play and interact with them
Be patient with them and find alternative ways of dealing with issues
Be confident about being with both kids on my own
Never see anything to do with kid as a chore. Be happy to have such a wonderful gift.

Goal 6: Be happy, be fun, be funny
We will laugh about something together at least twice a week
I will be happy in front of W 100% of time, unless being compassionate towards her issues, after which - happy face!
I will allow myself to have more fun and therefore inject more fun into the family - once a week we will try and do something different, something a little bit obscure maybe.
Learn to laugh at myself again, laugh when my W mocks me or i do something wrong, don't be the touchy H that can't take a joke - thats no who's she M'd.

Goal 7: Make every minute count
W thinks life is too short. Maybe she is right. W said I was happy to drift along in life. Not anymore. Even if its meditating, reading, watching films. Mix it up, don't just do things because there is nothing else to do. Fill life with fun. I'm going to do all the things I always wanted to do now, and I'm going to make sure I enjoy it!

Doing some of these quite well now, still got a way to go!

W made the effort to come into me to see how I was and thanked me for something i had done. She is also questioning me more about the changes in me, and why now after all this time. I know this is how it is supposed to work, but never thought she would care enough to ask.

I am trying not to read anything into this, positive or negative. I am just going to carry on as I am and adhere to the above goals.

2.4, good for you. I really liked reading your specific goals and it is a reminder that this would be a positive thing for me to do. I thought about it, but seeing you do it is inspiring me.

Happy to hear about your wife noticing and asking about the changes, that has to be a good thing...

Keep the faith brother!

CB

Thanks CB. I was worried that I was drifting a little so thought it was time to revisit them.

The proof will be when W returns from trip away, how she is towards me, her moods etc. if it continues then I will start to become optimistic, if she is back to a moody teenager I will take it as:

A: she was with OM and then upset about leaving
B: did not want to return home to reality

We will just have to wait and see!

Good luck 2.4, take care of yourself and do some fun things while she is gone. I know firsthand how much this [censored] and how long that time will be, but it is all you can do. And, it is an opportunity in that you can do things just you and your kids want to do that your W might not have.

When my W went away for the weekend a few weeks ago, S12 said no one could play Pink that weekend and laughed about it. W has been obsessed with Pink, playing nothing but for several weeks before BD in March (the week she went to the Pink show and posted a video to tat-boy on FB by name...) and as a result, I have gone from loving Pink to viscerally hating her music. Anyhow, the kids don't know any of that other stuff, they just know how overplayed it is and thought it was pretty. I also took them out for ice cream, which we all had fun with.

Lots of ways you can enjoy the time, but know that there are many of us who know your pain, you are not alone. Good luck.

CB

Yeah there are a few things that i now hate the thought / sight / mention of since BD. Hopefully, it will not always be that way.