Let it go for a while. I feel sure she will soften...we all do in time. Catch yourself next time you are tempted to bring up the R or OM. Remember, doing this is to save yourself too. Everytime something happens, it is like falling into that big, dark hole again. Climb out of it, and stay out of it...get your mind off of all this for a while.
Kevin - you don't apologize for her benefit - you do it for your own benefit - an acknowledgement to yourself that you slipped up and made a mistake - the forgivness from her is something she does for herself not for you.
Keep on DBing and it may come. If it does not come then at least you know that you are a better man than you were - after all, that is what DBing is, --- working on ourselves.
Kevin- Tried to post earlier, but I guess it didn't work. I just wanted to say how much I identify with the hard, scary place you're in right now. Everybody's right in that you can't make forward progress until you have the big emotions under control, but that's easier said than done sometimes.
IMHO, you are not f****d up, you are just hurting really bad. People who are hurting do and say things they don't mean. I would say apologise, but don't make a huge deal out of it. Just set new and smaller goals - ONE conversation where you're pleasant to her for the whole conversation. Then, if you do that, WOOHOO, you've met a goal. If not, apologise, end the conversation, and work on doing better next time.
Don't waste time feeling guilty and formulating huge apologies. Acknowledge that you were hurtful, let her know you don't intend to be that way, then work toward being pleasant. Fake it for awhile if you have to - she doesn't know what's going on inside your head.
Remember to have compassion and empathy for yourself, too. This is hard, and at first you can only hurt, but it gets better (the hurt, tho maybe not the sitch) really slowly - you just have to hang in there.
That's my thought.
(((((((Kevin))))))
Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
You have been on a rough ride the past couple of days. Time to stop sweating it...it happens, we all go through it at various times and then we tighten our belts and dig in again. It is that crazy thing called LIFE
If life were perfect this BB wouldn't be necessary and a Utopian existence would be the norm...frankly I don't find Utopia a very comforting thought, it would get boring after awhile don't you think?
If you have apologised to your W for the current snafu then it isn't necessary to keep doing it. One thing I have learned is that apologies should be kept short and to the point. No need to apologise and then go into a lengthy explanation about WHY you are apologising...more often then not it sounds to the other person like you are still trying to justify the behaviour that caused the need for the apology in th first place. It drags the whole nasty mess BACK to the front of the other person's mind and stirs things up all over again. Another thing to remember is to OWN the apology...in other words, keep the apology strictly about the behaviour YOU did that was wrong. DON'T say ANYTHING about the other person's actions/words that might have provoked you to behave the way you did. I fell down this particular tunnel this week myself and just kept making things worse...once I recognized what I was doing and made the RIGHT kind of apology H's anger started to dissipate. This took a couple of days but now H is upbeat, smiling and more loving again
Chalk this one up to the loop-the-loop in the rollercoaster...you don't yell for 'em to stop the ride when this occurs at the amusement park. Instead, you brace your feet, throw up your arms and start screaming; knowing there are more hills and thrills ahead
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Thanks yall, Your words of wisdom are so helpful.. Things dont seem to be as doomed as I thought.. What a ride... Are we comming to the end soon, I am about to puke..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Nah Kev...this is one BIG rollercoaster Probably got some more loop-the-loops, tunnels, sharp turns, partial loops and a WHOLE LOTTA hills ahead...it only levels out at the beginning and the end If your a rollercoaster fanatic like me you jump off and get right back on again...in the FRONT CAR
HUgz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
It seems even the most heart felt apology will never be accepted by my W. She is so angry at me right now. I will not fight with her.. Just accept the fact that it is over, and move on with my life... For myself and mt son..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
