Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How to begin?

hl, hi.

First, you are very early in this whole journey. So, my first advice is to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep (even if you need sleep-aids), and get a C for YOU, if you feel it will help you through this.

GAL is tough, but necessary. I am just now getting started w this in the past month (I'm 10 months in since BD). But, it does feel GOOD to participate in an interest-new or old, and to meet new friends/people.

Also, when your mind insists on focusing on your sitch (which I'm guessing is pretty much non-stop at this point) think about things you need to do to improve yourself as a person (180s). Anything your W complained about in the past? ANything you already know is maybe a weak area for you? We all have things we can do to grown & become better people. Really think about these things and start making changes NOW.

Whenever you do talk to or see your W try to be as upbeat as possible and LISTEN anytime she talks to you. Listen and validate. Don't argue or discuss her feelings.

That's all for now. Welcome here, BTW--it is the best place to be for all of us right now.

Well, I had a long conversation with my wife yesterday before work. I don’t suppose the exact details of the conversation are important here (though they are too me) so I’ll try to summarize what came out of it. Then I’ll try to explain where I’m at afterwards.
1) Wife was giving serious indications that she wanted to talk, so I initiated conversation.
2) Told wife, very gently, calmly, and non-confrontationally how I felt, what I wanted, and where I was in my healing process. Told wife that I would be there for her, no matter what; that if in the end she decided to go, I would face it, and be supportive. No mention of DB/DR…
3) Wife clearly stated that she was emotionally all over the place; that she was not happy with the situation or separation. Made no comments about reconciling, but showed it in body language, expression, etc. I did NOT push this at all, or anything else really for that matter.
4) This one is hard to get out of my head…wife commented that she had ‘effed up’, and couldn’t understand why I would even want her back. I told her I didn’t need an excuse to love her, that my love was unconditional (it truly is, even if it’s hard at times to face what that may mean), and that I would be there for her.
5) Conversation in whole was about an hour and a half. When time for me to leave for work, I simply said I had to go to work, and that I hoped she had a good day. As I walked away, she stopped me, gave me a long, beautiful hug, and said “I’ll see you later.”
6) When I came home from work, my wife was there. Conversation that afternoon mostly revolved around graduation plans for my son, how her day had gone, what she was going to do for the weekend, etc. At the end of the conversation, before she left, she told me “this morning, what you said, you didn’t mess up…you’re all right…”
Now on to where I’m at with this. Of course I’m elated. I was on cloud nine all day, despite trying to remind myself not to over react. I’m very happy with the conversation, but I understand that it may in the end mean very little. I want to doubt that thought, because my wife is very honest and sincere, but I understand that her state of mind is cycling all over the place right now. No matter what, I feel like this is all progress in a good direction, and it feels good. I just keep trying to remind myself not to develop any expectations about this, but I need to keep the positive momentum. In the end, I guess I just need to give her (lots) more time to let these feelings develop…
Anyways, afterwards, I helped a friend with some work he’s doing on his home, then went out for pizza and beer. It was my first solo outing that wasn’t a disaster. It felt good, and for a while there I almost felt ‘normal’…but I just can’t shake that feeling that someone is missing…
Cleaning house today…hope that takes a while…weird, never really thought that it would be better if my chores actually took longer.

I hear and read so many posts about ‘putting up walls’. It’s sad really. I realize that I have been doing a little of this, but walls are not the answer. Early on, I resolved to heal myself by giving, loving and being open. The more I see just how damaging walls are, the more I try to remember not to build them. I will give of myself, I will love, and that will be my guide. I will remember, when I try to guard myself, that loving my wife (and others) feels good and right, no matter the state at the moment…I don’t want to have to tear down the walls my wife has built to protect herself from the love she feels, and I certainly don’t want to have to tear down my own walls later on in life so that I can live again.

Well, except for grocery shopping, my chores are all done now. Can't go shopping right now (no wheels.) Amazing how fast all the wondering about the situation rushes back when you run out of things to do. So I just thought I'd sit here and vent a little bit...it'll be so much easier when I'm off moderation...it's hard not to have anyone to talk to...

Which brings up something I need to figure out. I don't really have any close friends. My wife is my closest friend; obviously can't go there right now. My only other close friend passed away last year. So, I really don't feel like I have anywhere to turn. I'm planning to come here:) But, what else should I be doing?

Also, been trying to get a counselor. I had no idea that the process was so slow. Five weeks now, and still no luck...between my insurance and what seems to be the worst 'production' backlog in the world, it seems like I'll never find one.

My wife has also been looking for a couples counselor for us...it's taking just as long. She finally got a list of 'in-network' counselors, and is waiting on insurance authorization. This feels promising to me...trying not to read too deeply. Seems like I find myself saying that a lot lately, I hope soon that I won't have to keep telling myself.

So tired...the mood swings are awful. I want so badly to figure out how to detach without losing hope and focus. I've just come back from a very long walk; I was hoping it would tire me out so I could sleep. Now I'm just sad and tired, can't sleep, and I'm sick of feeling so helpless. I wish I could put it all together...the things I know in my head that I should do, with my will and heart...but I just can't seem to get there right now.

Well, another pretty great day in my mind. After an agonizing Saturday of wondering and loneliness, not knowing if W would answer the invitation to Sunday breakfast, she showed up! Her response was pretty much in the eleventh hour, but she came. She ate breakfast with us (boys and their friends), then hung out for a while. We watched the kids practice for an upcoming gig, cleaned the dishes together, talked a little (though not much due to the rehearsal going on in our living room), etc. I was very nervous most of the time, but I think I did well, and calmed down greatly as time passed. W gave the dog a bath, then took off for a while.

When she came back, we went to Ikea together for hot dogs, then she took me to Walmart to help me find underwear. She said it was because I couldn't find them on my own…she’s probably right, I already messed that one up on my own once recently. I had mentioned that I was looking for some art supplies, so she drove me around a bit to look for them, but no joy, I’ll have to keep looking. We got to talking about s18 graduation gift, and found a good deal on the camera he wanted (Canon T3i) and so we went out and bought it. He is really happy and excited, and I’m happy for him. It will be fun playing around and learning about it with him. When W was leaving at the end of the evening, she gave me a hug and said “Thank you, I had a good day today…” We’ll, back to cloud nine I go…only this time I’m going to just try to enjoy it, not analyze what it means...

I'm also feeling much more comfortable just being with her and enjoying the exposure, with no expectations about things to come. I'm not all the way there yet, but getting better. I'm also beginning to more clearly define things I want to do for myself, and things about me that I want to work on. Seems like progress comes in waves just like all the crazy emotions do, but it definitely HELPS me to be around her...having a reason to hope makes it all so much easier to focus, stay calm, relax, and not feel, well, hopeless. Oh yeah, I even made her laugh and smile a few times…it was great to see her feeling better too...

I have a few questions..before everyone starts drilling me about detaching, I'm really trying, but these are really nagging me. I'd especially like to hear from some WAS's on these ones, but any insight is appreciated.

Assuming that my W does someday begin to 'find her way back':

1) How much of an obstacle might her pride/stubbornness be?
2) How much of an obstacle might her embarrassment/shame/guilt be?
3) Are there ways to try to alleviate the obstacles? Is she likely to discard them as reasons not to reconcile?

For example,my wife has expressed concerns over what other think..."your family probably hates me now..." This suggests that she is playing this all out, reconsidering, but views this as an insurmountable obstacle to mending our relationship. Is validation all I can or should be doing here? I sure as h-e-double hockey sticks hope not...pretty scary thought that a beautiful love might be quenched not by lack of love, but something like this.

Just had a new question pop into my head. Is LRT really the best option for me at this point? Just because she is physically living elsewhere? We still maintain some contact. What if she views my behavior as more of the same?

So should I ask her if we can talk about this? Try to get more information so that I can know how to proceed? She hasn't been opposed to deeper conversation thus far...Help...

Hi Lbh

Thanks for replying in my thread! As many others I am here every day and I have been reading your thread.
I am not a vet so I can only offer you simple advice and tell you what have worked for me! I have posted a lot in my thread but to summarize it:

1/
Act-as-if / Upbeat mood /Keep hoping
I’m still living with W so I have to keep my PMA strong all the time – I found that this is only possible as long as I believe – so I try to do that all the time! It is diffycult but practice. Everytime I feel despair I find a quiet place (bathroom, garden, corner I livingroom)and I think to my self “Is this feeling understandable” and “Is it alright to feel this way”. Then I do a breathing exercise and this helps. Feelings don’t disappear but it helps me keep going!

2/
180
I have done a lot! In 6 weeks I feel like I’m back to the old me! I feel great about this and just want to continue.
I try to come up with things I would like to improve.
Unlike you I know my wrongs and that have helped me a lot regarding 180s

3/
Journaling / Writing / Planning
I get my thoughts sorted out in here and in my personal journal.
Writing this to you makes me think about my own sit and that’s good!
I spend a lot of time trying to plan things. I plan on very short terms since long-terms-thoughts make me feel sad.

4/
Books
I read a lot! A vet in here told me not to get other theories mixed up with DB but I get motivated by reading about the subject. Lots and lots of people have made it through. I can recommend 5 Languages of Love, THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage. I started reading “I Love You but I'm Not in Love with You” and “Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late” yesterday. The second one seems interesting.
…but don’t mix it up with DB!!!!
Perhaps books can help you realize what your W is/was missing and I would certainly recommend that you read 5LL! Get a kindle and get going!

5/
Staying busy
I have made my own to-do-list! I simply can’t GAL that much because of little time, so I do things at home.

This helps me every day but like you I also spend a lot of time trying to read the signs and to conclude what to do. I have signed up for telephone-coaching and I have had two sessions which have helped. Third one is Thursday this week.
The confusion is total at my place and as I read about your sit, I think the same goes for you! Regarding W I try to focus on the non-negative now. Earlier I focused on the positives but this drove me crazy so now I try to see it as non-negative and that help. Fewer thoughts and less analyzing - I just enjoy that something was non-negative! I think now that this is the right focus but things change all the time
Regarding anything else (kids, work, home) I focus strictly on positives!

I hope all the best for you, your family and your sit and will keep you in my thoughts!

Hour by hour and day by day!
Enjoy!