Quote: Fear of losing the BS, of course...fear of facing the fact that they could be capable of such hurtful behavior...fear of not being able to change, fear of being judged forever by anyone who happens to find out--family, friends, etc. Fear of having permanent regrets that interfere w/moving on with life.
Fear of facing the real "me". The real reasons that will answer the "why" questions. Fear of failure, fear of not being able to make things right.
On a personal level, I know my BS has forgiven me, but I don't think I'll (ever) be able to forgive myself for betraying myself. That is my biggest fear, now, almost a year later. I've hurt someone I love dearly, but I'm making things better and I know that it will never happen again. But I have **fundamentally** betrayed myself too... I can't stand being in my own skin, some days.
Right now my biggest fear is down the road, my spouse will wish he had just left me.
My biggest fear is that I caused too much pain and I won't be able to make him happy for the rest of his life.
I fear not being believed when I am telling the truth.
I fear showing anger at my BS because I don't feel "entitled" to the anger, b/c I'm the one that messed up. I am so angry with myself and the anger runs so deep I am afraid of showing it. I have a deep fear of facing myself and accept that I could have done this terrible thing.
Fear of the pain of breaking up with spouse/grieving their loss; Fear of facing the world alone and starting anew; Fear all relationships end up 'this way' so there is not point in leaving; Fear of what everyone will think; Fear of hurting the spouse, seeing the spouse grieve, causing psychological damage to spouse; Fear of who you are as a person without the 'security' of the marriage; Fear you will never meet anyone again that you connect with; Fear that you are making a mistake/should try harder and that you will realise when it is too late because your spouse won't take you back; Fear that you are just going temporarily crazy/are still in the fog; Fear of losing the comfort and familiarity of a marriage; If there are children, fear of losing them; Fear of losing finances/married lifestyle/friends etc.
My biggest fear is that my wife won't be able to heal from the pain I have caused her.
I'm afraid that my triggers will never go away. I'm afraid to tell my spouse about the triggers because I am afraid she will take them on and they will become her triggers. I am afraid to tell my spouse that most of the triggers make me feel tremendous guilt, but some of them are actually good memories.
My biggest fear is that my husband will have a revenge affair, and I am afraid that I don't have the right to ask him not to. My horrid mistake would not make his being unfaithful any less devastating.
I have been pondering this since you so wisely posted for us to see. From the LBS perspective, how can we address these fears with WAS? Let them know that WE know they are there and that we understand and want to address them. That the fears might not go away totally, but that we are here to support them and to not hurt them or ourselves?
His LL's? I haven't been able to figure that out exactly, as he's a bit too complex to be nailed down to just one or two. It seems like it changes. Sometimes he's all about Acts of Service and Gifts. Gifts have been a big deal, because if I get him the "wrong" thing or if I don't use or enjoy a gift he has given me or seem to enjoy it "enough", then he gets a big resentment over that.
Sometimes, like lately, physical touch and affirmations seem to be the main ones. Most of the major progress lately has been about me doing lots of both, and he starts (slowly) to reciprocate.
Then again, there's what he said about his idea of doing something romantic is to just go do something and hang out together--and I think that can be counted as Quality Time.
I guess I would have to say all five, lol!
One thing I do know for sure is that he's hypersensitive to anything he percieves as being inconsiderate. If I remember to pick him up something special when I am out shopping--that gets me major points. If I make plans and forget to tell him, or don't consult with him about what color to paint a room---he gets quite pissy.
Water - LOL--just because I posted it, doesn't mean I have the answers to fixing it. I'm doing the same as you, pondering it all and trying to figure out how to address it--so let's figure it out together.
I have so far come up with a few things: 1. I need to find ways to express that, just like we tell our kids--we may get very upset about thier bad behavior but we love them (differentiate between the person and the behavior because people can't change who they are, but they can change thier behavior). 2. Again, like we tell our kids, people make mistakes--they are opportunities to figure out what you would do differently next time you are faced with a similar situation. We also let them know that we trust that they are intelligent enough to learn the lessons and do different in the future. 3. I am trying to set aside my needs right now and focus on his healing and having compassion. I think that the more I do that, the more it will benefit me and our R in the long run. 4. Find ways to assure him repeatedly that I am so glad that he is home and that we have decided to work together to rebuild. 5. Assure him that we ARE going to be FINE, just like other couples who have faced and overcome problems in their M's and come out stronger for it.
What things are coming to mind for the rest of you who are pondering the WA spouse's fears?
Tal, What an awesome thread you have going here... awesome, awesome stuff.
Quote: On a personal level, I know my BS has forgiven me, but I don't think I'll (ever) be able to forgive myself for betraying myself. That is my biggest fear, now, almost a year later. I've hurt someone I love dearly, but I'm making things better and I know that it will never happen again. But I have **fundamentally** betrayed myself too... I can't stand being in my own skin, some days.
I think this is where my H is... And I don't know how to tell him that he needs to forgive himself. When he is in the room, I sense that he wants to say SOMETHING... but he still says nothing...and so I continue to say nothing, but try to show compassion and forgiveness.
One of MY fears is that the baby steps I see are merely figments of my overactive, overanalytical imagination... I find myself beating myself up for thinking things are baby steps and at the same time, not having faith to BELIEVE they are babysteps... Sadly, my H is NOT a good communicator, and at this point, VERY gunshy.
Quote: I am trying to set aside my needs right now and focus on his healing and having compassion. I think that the more I do that, the more it will benefit me and our R in the long run.
I think this IS critical in most stages of DBing... and probably the hardest of all DBing to do. And we have to continue to KNOW that someday, it WILL be about us... but right now, for the sake of the M, we need to do a bit of sacrificing.
One thing that you LBS's who have Hs at home need to remember, IMHO, is the COURAGE that it took for the WAS to come home, or even to have the conversations that lead to coming home. I am hoping that my H is looking for this.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I have so far come up with a few things:
1. I need to find ways to express that, just like we tell our kids--we may get very upset about their bad behavior but we love them (differentiate between the person and the behavior because people can't change who they are, but they can change their behavior).
2. Again, like we tell our kids, people make mistakes--they are opportunities to figure out what you would do differently next time you are faced with a similar situation. We also let them know that we trust that they are intelligent enough to learn the lessons and do different in the future.
3. I am trying to set aside my needs right now and focus on his healing and having compassion. I think that the more I do that, the more it will benefit me and our R in the long run.
4. Find ways to assure him repeatedly that I am so glad that he is home and that we have decided to work together to rebuild.
5. Assure him that we ARE going to be FINE, just like other couples who have faced and overcome problems in their M's and come out stronger for it.
What things are coming to mind for the rest of you who are pondering the WA spouse's fears?
Tal,
Thanks for stopping by my thread.
I have been thinking of this a lot. I like your list and more specific comments and communication would help.
Right now the thing I focus the most on is making my W comfortable around me and in our home. As much as we have to not pressure our WA while working for them to come home, this task is even more important when they do come home. You absolutely have to make your home a safe place for them, otherwise it won't be a place they want to be and will resent you really quick.
I find if I talk about the R in our home, or give the slightest impression I am pressuring or making her feel guilty, she finds the need to be out. This part of the dynamic is VERY VERY fragile, and must be handled with up most care.
Another aspect to this is allowing my W to feel safe around me. I have to take steps to she is comfortable and safe around me as well. I do several things to help with this:
1). I openly communicate my love for her and my appreciation for EVERY baby step I see (at appropriate times). Its like a small reward for taking a step closer to us reconnecting.
2). When she talks with me I really work hard to listen to her and understand and validate her feelings. This is to foster the safety for her to open up about her feelings. I NEVER try to fix things, and even if I think it would sound like it I make a point to explain I am not trying to. I went more deeply into this in the "failure to communicate" thread in newcomers.
3). I do everything I can to give her the space and time she needs. I no longer say anything negative about her coming in late or spending a lot of time with friends. She needs this for healing, just like I need time as well. I make it a point to ask if she had fun (even at 2:00 am) and let her tell me about her outing. She aft first didn't, but now does because of her comfort with it. I also tell her when going out without me to say hi to her friends for me. Another trick is when I go to bed I text her a goodnight message. I never call, because I don't know the sitch she is in and she doesn't have to respond or break away from what she is doing, and can keep it private between us. This is working really well.
4). I usually ask before showing any physical affection or pause before kissing her to give her the chance to have it on her terms. I usually try to let her approach me for now. I know at some point she will want me to initiate more, but not now.
5). I NEVER talk about my fears about our R, our when I feel discouraged. She already knows I can get like this. When I feel this way she usually can tell, but if not I just ask for a hug. In some ways I think she knows what its for but we still don't talk about it.
6). I let her know that I am here for her whenever she needs me and can talk with me anytime. I work hard to create an environment for this. I take care of anything that I see needs to be done, and help her right when she asks for it. Example, I did all the laundry yesterday so she could go out and have fun with friends.
7). Also, and is probably apparent in my above comments, I make her feel trusted by my words and actions. I don't come right out and say it, as I'm still at a point where I act "as if". But I also don't get upset or distant when she is in sitch where I would not trust her. I put that off knowing when we finally connect fully again in our M that she will not put me in those places as much, plus our R will be more secure as I will also be. I just wait for this and know it will come.
8). Lastly, I work hard to lovingly detach from the things that would bother me (some of her actions). I have come to the point where I am fine doing things alone when she is gone. I got comfortable when she was gone, and look for times alone now as well. I use the time she is out, to continue to reflect and work on me for our M and to study on bettering our R. I don't pressure her to work on things with me, but I continue to learn. (more on this in another thread of mine)
This is a great discussion and I would like to hear more from others struggling with this, and what you all find works, and what doesn't. Thats because at this stage, I am good with myself and where I am at. I know even if things didn't work out, I would go on and be happy. She is the one right now dealing with everything. I am now the one trying to lessen the load of the cross she is caring.
We have a lot to deal with, but remember we have had since the bomb to come to terms with everything. The WAs usually don't begin this journey until they actually come home and commit to working on the R, we are much further along than they are. They need the time to heal and come to terms with their struggles. This is an even bigger mountain than we ever climbed, because their actions went against their character, morals, convictions, and alienated their whole life. As much as I struggled, I have compassion for my W as her struggle has been much greater and will be much greater than mine. I can look into the mirror and be proud of the things I have done and how I handled this. My W cannot, and she will have to seek Gods forgiveness before she can do so again and feel good about herself (At least this is what I believe, she has never told me this).
Take care all and keep caring your cross, and help your WAs with theirs.
Last edited by cruiserrg; 02/08/0407:40 PM.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
I will unintentially kick you in the ass ANYTIME, my dear friend!
After all, we have to take TURNS around here venting like Mt. St. Helens and having our "It's my pity-party and I'll cry if I wanna" moments, right? Heck, I think I still have some engraved invitations left over from a few of my parties!
There was an hour long special on CNN about infidelity tonigh (WOW--I don't think Wolfie has rushed out the door THAT FAST to go to work in a LONG TIME).
It was pretty good and much of the focus was on rebuilding after an A.
Hi Tal, I wish I had seen it--didn't even know it was on! Maybe they will re-run it at another time slot!
Just checking in on you. You always have such great insight and perspective! It is nice to see the full spectrum of these crummy sitches. I don't think I ever over the course of your posts saw you lose faith and hope---I envy you and am glad to see things working out for you two! Keep up the good work!!
Not sure where my sitch will end up--but have a feeling at some point I'll be moving to the "surviving the D" forum instead of the "piecing"!!
).