Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis If you were such a good wife then why did i stray?

TND - I am not sure if I commented on your thread before, but I see some similarities between our sitches, so I thought I would chime in.

What is that you want at this point...ie, save your marriage or not? You are putting too much time and energy into H. IMHO, you shouldn't have texted him at all, let alone nasty ones. How would you have responded if the shoe was on the other foot?

Something to think about, but I highly suggest for you to start figuring out what you want, and then let that motivate and guide your actions.

BR..we have corresponded before and our sitchs are similar. U r right in that i should not be sending nasty texts or responding to H. It definitely makes things worse. I put up w the lies n running around for so long until i just crack.

Been sad again lately. H and i are going further apart. I think we need to separate bc there is too much damage n too many lies. It just hurts n its dragging on forever. Im considering just walking away. Taking kids n moving someplace new. I want a fresh start. It just hurts n it hurts bc i really don't feel Like h cares at all. he has no job but he never home. In tired of wondering where he going n what he doing. I can't play this game forever.

Hi TnD.

Just wondered if you're still around.

Hope things are going ok.

Hi mizjjd...yes, still here. Just nothing new to report. We were doing much better but mostly bc I just gave up and started doing my own thing. Once I started not caring it got better. Yesterday I found something from 6 mos ago regarding the OW. I got upset and started a big fight. Continued this morning and I told him at the very least all this time he is still there he could have been trying and then he said he has and things are so much better now. I agree but then it made me sad bc if he was trying why didn't he say anything. If he felt they were better, then why was he still walking out every night. Why did I not feel like we were actually fixing things rather then just existing together civilly. Anyway, it made me very sad. Cried a lot this morning. I had it in my head we were over and just move on then I got to thinking maybe he really wants to try. With that being said, our argument was awful and who knows where we are now. I realize to start an argument about something that happened 6 mos ago was crazy but some times these things just resurface in my brain. I saw on FB the OW that he was dating was out on "date night" this past Sat. As it turns out it was the one night my H was home with the family so maybe she has moved on from him.... at least and it is one less worry. Anyway, how are you doing? I hope you are getting better with your H.

He's lying to you. He "says" he was working on your M so that he doesn't seem like the bad guy. STOP taking all the blame he is dishing out on you. Continue to get yourself stronger.

I hear ya Mr. Bond. I have really disconnected a lot. Its helped tremendously. Part of me worries that maybe im just accepting the situation we are in now and its becoming normal. I would hate for this to be normal though. That would mean I've just accepted all the stuff he has done and am ok with it. Amazing how much my life has changed in the past year.

So, big backslide yesterday. H was out all weekend. Didn't go to son's soccer tournament all weekend. One of the kids asked my S11 if he had a dad. I saw the look of sadness in his eyes. He said his dad was working and S8 told the boy, no, he's lying our dad doesn't do anything with us. Felt awful for them. Ended up in a huge argument yesterday w H bout what a crummy father he is. How running around all the time is impacting his children. Doesn't care. Got extremely nasty with me. Said he hates me and he does it bc he hates me so much and he won't be anywhere near me. So, I ask him...why are you still living here? I've been begging him to leave since BDay months ago. Why stay if I'm such a problem? He says now he leaving in 6 weeks. Got very sad after our argument. Cried all day. Came home and H was sweet as pie, asked for a kiss, hug, etc. Ugh...he is crazy. Then my sister tells me she saw him twice in her town which is an hour away in different restaurants eating alone. When they asked him what he was doing by himself he said just wanted to be by himself. Makes no sense.

Ended up in C office last night trying to work through the frustration. Have an appt with a divorce attorney on Thursday. At least going to find out my options.

Just venting...I haven't written in a while Things became "comfortable" with the H. Nothing got worse and some days seemed like we were moving in the right direction. My family and friends all think I'm crazy and tell me to kick him out. Last week an argument and it went something like this. H-We could have been better right now if not for you. We are not staying together because of you. Me-We are not staying together becuase you go out every night and don't come home and dump me with the kids. We are not together because you cheat and are a lousy husband...yada yada...

More blame on me.

Then yesterday at 3AM when he sauntered in I got angry. Asked where he was. After a year of this I deserve an answer. Only response...Why do I care?? Because you jerk...it is rude and disrespectful. I care because I've put up with you for 18 yrs. What do you mean why do I care? Don't I deserve an answer. He finally got a job and tells me he will be working weekends and will take the kids during the week on his days off. This, assuming he is actually moving.

Today, I told him I am not agreeing with his arrangement. Why do I need to be agreeable to him and his job schedule? I have always bent over backwards for him and only got kicked in the a--. I told him I don't have to agree and he can do every other weekend like every other father in america. I have to work weekends to. With that being said, maybe I should just let him do the nights. Then I have more time with the kids but it doesn't seem fair. So, he got really mad bc I said this and started saying awful things to me. Told me that I shouldn't be forcing him to stay when he is so unhappy. I told him that no one if forcing him and I have told him to leave for 9 mos now and he never leaves. I don't appreciate being blamed for his unhappiness and he needs to take responsibility. I'm tired of being blamed that he is unhappy. Why does he think it is me??? I told him he needs to take responsibility that he destroyed our family and stop blaming me for everything. He said that I don't get "It" when I asked him what it meant he couldn't answer. He can never answer. I often wonder if he really knows what it it is that bothers him so much. I never get a real valid explanation for why he is so unhappy with me.

I guess I'm feeling stuck still. He doesn't leave. He is too comfortable. I want to move on. I don't want to be blamed for his problems. I also don't believe him that he is not doing anything when he leaves at night. Why should I???

How do u live w someone knowing they are likely seeing someone else?