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Ok Jp I'll head the advice.

I like your profile ... "Taking it hour by hour and minute by minute" - seems accurate.

Uh .. heed the advice.

Friday and Sat seem much better communication wise still. In fact yesterday I got up early and went quietly to watch tv on the couch. 30 min later the W got up and made coffee (keurig - I know not diff but its the thought) for both of us. She hasnt done that in a month and I stopped because I saw that as pressuring.

Not reading into much but that is a tiny win if you knew her. Much more to share ... need to get the kids ready for mothers day.

Like I said the communication is getting better ... awkward a little as we both try to find things to say. About the detaching ... which this is what I struggle sometimes with ... I am doing many good things with giving space, but I have a hard time with just silence or only answering when initiated by W. We both seem to want to have conversations, not anything about R, avoiding anything down that road, but just normal everyday things.

Anyway Fri I decided to let W know Im bringing my S14 to the movies, the girls were at friends houses. The W had made plans to run some errands with her BFF anyway so it worked out. My son wanted to bring a friend so I said sure. Ironically, my sons friend's mom (which they are good friends of ours as well) is a person my W confided in about this whole thing including the EA, she is still upset with her about it and begged her to reconsider . I called to invite the friend, and she answers and asked how I was doing. BTW they had avoided both of us for a couple weeks for obvious reasons. We both cried over the phone which was hard to hear.

Well I was about to mention how nice the weekend was and Mothers Day, because it went really well I thought. Until I just got this text.

"Im sorry, I know ur at work but we didn't really get a chance to talk this weekend. First, I want to thank you for yesterday. It meant a lot to me, and most importantly the kids. I needed to clear my head last night bcse as great as the day was, we both know where things stand. I need you to know that I hv an appt w my attorney on Thursday afternoon. I agree with u that keeping the cost down as much as possible is best. I would appreciate it if you can take the next cpl of days to think abt how you would like to handle everything. I would like to sit with you on Wednesday and hopefully talk abt where u see things going forward and reach an agreement. I need to pay a retainer on Thursday as well. It's $4000 but the more we can agree outside the office, the more we get back. I'm sorry! I know this has been very difficult for you. It has not been an easy decision to make."

Very, very upset right now and dont know how to respond. Need help!!!!!

I have no idea how to respond to this. Does anyone have any advice to do this gracefully? I am drafting something now and will probably post it for review.

I'm not sure I'd respond at all....or maybe a "I understand your position. I don't think I'm emotionally ready to have that discussion yet."

That said, I think you are pushing too much and not giving enough space. Let her come to you...don't keep looking for things to talk about.

How are you coming along? Have you finished DR? That will help immensely. How about your issues? Making any progress?

Oh, and I don't think work can be your GAL. I completely get burying yourself in work at stressful times...I have done that too, but it's not going to give you the relief that true GAL will. Exercise, do something where you are going to meet new people and feel good about yourself.

Hi BD - I am around pg 17 in reading your bootcamp. It was amazing to have the knowledge of your situation and I was able to relate a lot to mine own. I haven't finished it but it seems we do have some differences. Your W seems to want to have relations with you but at this same time wants to take her time but also is cake eating it seems. My sitch is my W is clearly really hurt still and is seeing moving on as the only option. We do not have $4000 just to give right now for her retainer as it will cripple us and I'm concerned this is moving way fast.

I have finished DR. My issues seem to have not interfered since the BD, and oddly I have been learning to self soothe through out, except for today. I haven't honestly been pushing, except for Mothers Day, but that was half for the kids than anything. Yeah I wanted to do that well and obv I did, but her comment got me.
She is just not at the point of believing right now and I am concerned that she doesn't care too anymore.

BD - I am concerned if I say that she will just say I am delaying or dragging my feet.

These are my feelings that I would like to get across but you will probably not agree ...

I think detachment is the single most misunderstood concept around here. It does not have anything to do with not having a conversation with your W!! By all means, talk to her! Don't talk about the R, M, D or S, but you should absolutely feel free to discuss everyday things. Here's a blurb from Peanut on detachment:



As this says, detachment is more of a mental attitude then it is anything you say or do. It's removing yourself from the WAS's emotional roller coaster.



She said to take a few days, so she's not expecting an immediate response. Take a few days and then tell her something like "I do not want to proceed with D, but I want you to be happy and if you feel this is what is going to make you happy then I won't do anything to obstruct the process." Leave everything up to her. Keep in mind that this isn't the end, many WAS's fill out the paperwork and then when faced with the ugly black-and-white nature of it they back down. But even if she proceeds and files, that's still not the end. Every state has a cooling-off period, she may lose her nerve before it's made final. And even past that, people do reconcile even after divorce. So this step is no reason to lose hope. How long you hold hope in your heart is strictly up to you.

Steve,
Just read all 4 pages and your sitch follows many of ours (from the EA (many of us PA), to us controlling, etc...

First off, the letter...I wouldn't send it. In my opinion it has a controlling tone to it. What are you trying to accomplish with this?

Reading it as an outsider what I got out of it was you telling her (again) you think she is making a terrible decision, you're trying to convince her you've changed with words and she is wrong to proceed, and you're playing the family guilt card since they don't get a decision.

Reason I read that in your letter, it's the same kind of stuff I used to do. It won't work and she won't read it and have her mind changed. IF she even reads it she could read it same way I did as you trying to control things again.

No amount of words will change her mind no matter how often we've seen it in the movies. Only your consistent actions have a chance to change anything. I've been told, several times, words won't get you out of a problem your actions got you in to.

Try to relax a little and breathe. Seems like you're still running on emotion, which is understandable but counterproductive. Even is she sees a L this week the process takes a LOT of time. That gives you plenty of time to SHOW her the new you, no need to tell her anything.


Controlling (one of my demons): What is your 180 for that? How about letting her go. Stop trying to convince her of anything since that's more you trying to control the sitch. A real 180... open the door and encourage her to go. True love is letting the thing you love go. Act as if you are fine with her leaving and pour yourself into your kids and GAL.

GAL: You need to find some activities to keep you busy. I understand time constraints with kids, especially when W checks out. Nothing in your sitch will change until you start enjoying your life. I think BD's task of 2 GAL activities per week is a good goal. Only thing I'd add is that I think one needs to be with other people.

What are you interests (not kids, family activities, etc...just want to know about yours)?

Any hobbies you always thought would be fun to try? Now is the perfect time. If not exercise is great. I recommend that to everyone.

Lastly for this post. As Sandi said earlier I wouldn't believe anything your W says at this time. I got $ucked back in so many times these last 7 months to later get crushed that I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Just protect yourself.

I didnt send it ... she called. I tried to have the conversation correctly but it turned emotional for both. The kids got brought up and she started crying and she ended up saying I havent had those feelings for you for long time, possibly more than a year. It ended like that till called back asking how to handle the kids schedules tonight. Of course my son is in a clinic tonight with the OMs son, only 2 from their team , go figure. Which should I choose??? I should pick the one I want to and not worry.