Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is this MLC or WAS? Don't know what to do...

Hi BrightFuture! I so appreciate your advice on my thread, and that you pointed out the similarities in our situations -- that our H's both are having EAs with women in foreign countries who are looking for sugar daddies, but our H's have absolutely no way to support these OW financially. I have read every word of your thread, and think you're doing great!

You wrote "He is not working, and probably will not have a job until April or May (his job is seasonal.) It seems that he is pretty happy where he is at the moment. That was his plan from the beginning – to have everything joint, no D for now, and just to be friends." I fear that is my H's plan too, to continue his EA while I work to support us, and just live as not-too-friendly friends. Did you legally separate your business from his yet?

I'm so glad for you that your H has not filed for divorce yet. I am the newest of newcomers and haven't even completed reading the whole Divorce Remedy book yet, but would advise you to put all thoughts of divorce far far out of your mind. Your H keeps saying that he wants one, but has made no moves towards obtaining one besides looking at one website. Maybe he never shall. Even if he does initiate a divorce action, it won't be the end of the world, and you two can still reconcile. Judging by my own H, MLC brings muddled, confused thinking. Just let him talk, and don't give up on your M yet!

Do you feel your DB coach is helping you? I went to see a mental health (not divorce) counselor, to try to become emotionally stronger and ready to face what ever comes in my M in the future. I was appalled when in our first session, she advised me to kick my H out of our home, and told me that she does not believe in MLC! I wasted much of our 50 minute session telling her about all of the literature supporting MLC. Maybe a DB coach would be more helpful to me.

Hang in there BF, you seem a bit down, but really are doing wonderfully!

BrightFuture this is fantastic advice from Tori2012! I truly believe that we attract things into our lives -- both good and bad. If we have depressed, negative thoughts, we will attract depressing, negative things.

It will be hard because I feel so sad and slightly panicky, but I plan to start thinking more positively immediately and invite you to do the same, my friend. I will try to think of something positive every time my H's Russian Tramp OW comes to my mind, which, unfortunately, is hourly! We can support each other! Well I won't be much help to you until I'm off moderation, but promise to follow your thread every day.

Linda, thank you for stopping by. I really appreciate your thoughts. This is why we are here on this board, to help each other to look at the situation from a different angle and share our experiences.

My H is supposed to come by tonight to leave his car at the house. He will be flying to his work place tomorrow. I’m not sure if he changed his mind about leaving the car here. Will see.
I had 2 sessions with the DB coach. The first one was mostly going over the history and getting the details, so we didn’t get to discuss the goals and further steps too much. The second session was kind of awkward, because I had the state of mind that my M could not be saved and I was just looking for some advice to help me through this. So, for my third session I will need to clear my mind and see if I still want to fight for my M.
The DB coach will work with you to help you to save your M, and they will not give up. I would definitely recommend the DB coach for you, if you can afford it. I don’t have a MC, but I’ve heard on this board a lot about how traditional M counselors actually harm your chances to save your M.

I don’t know how much my H justified this affair. In his mind he has moved on, so I think he doesn’t think that this is an affair, but a new relationship. At the same time, he is not completely financially independent of me. And, we are still legally married. I’m not sure if knows how much I know about this affair. Our female friend (this girl’s cousin) talked to him about it, and made it clear that it didn’t sit well with her and she absolutely didn’t approve this relationship. I think because of her involvement her cousin stopped communicating with my H, but I don’t know for sure. I also don’t know if our friend told my H that I knew some details.

I completely understand your emotions and that you cannot get away from the thoughts about this OW. She is not worth it. She a desperate woman with no self-respect.

We have a business together, but I cannot leave this business until we officially agree on the terms for all other assets. What I want to do is to open my own company and stop putting money into our joint business. So, it will be just him, and he will have to live on that. If he doesn’t make enough money, he will not be able to pay himself a salary and hence will not have money to pay for the condo, which he claims as his.

Forgot to mention, I complete agree with Tori’s advice. I’m trying to look at the things from a positive side.

H just stopped by, left the car in the driveway. Picked his mail. Told me that I can transfer deed for the house through the title company in order for me to refinance the mortgage on my name. He sounded like he was just talking business and it all is going in the direction he wants. It looked like he has absolutely no feelings for me. It is hard… He is truly gone… There is no hope for our M….

Sorry to see you so sad BrightFuture. But don't give up on your M. It sounds like your H didn't mention Divorce. Remember our resolution to try to think positively! 

Why are you so down -- is it because your H only discussed business with you? You say "it all is going in the direction he wants" -- did you tell him that you want to separate your business assets? That would put a damper on his plans! 

I'm sure your H does still have feelings for you. They are just supressed by his confusion right now. Thinking positive thought for you, BF!

((Bright)),

It sounds very much like your H wants you to do all the work of "disentangling". He does not do anything, just tells you that you can do it.

I don't know if I buy that he has no feelings for you. People do not spend 17 years together and then feel nothing. Those feelings can be buried in guilt and a mask so that they are unrecognizable to us, but I don't believe the feelings go away completely nor do I believe that they can never come back There are reconcilation stories out there, more than I thought.

Your idea about figuring out what YOU want at this point is a great place to start. Has your DB coach said anything about the business assets? Financial independence with a new OW to impress may just wake him up to "real life".

Take care of you, Bright!

Portia, thanks for the hugs. My H is actually actively trying to separate other things we have in common, like cell phone, insurance, etc. He hasn’t done it yet, but told me multiple times about his intentions. The only thing he has accomplished is to get on VA medical, and he is pretty happy about it. Me too, less money to pay for insurance.

I haven’t discussed the business assets with DB coach. The only thing DB coach suggested is to agree for H to use the house address for his mail and allow him to leave his car at the house. Which I did.

I have mixed feelings about the car now. This morning I was not feeling good about this, it is just seating there on the drive way and remind me about my broken M. I will see how I feel tomorrow.

I cried last night after he left. I called one of my GFs and talked to her for a while. She tried to console me. This morning she left me a message and pretty much told me that she can’t stand me hurting anymore and I should just cut him off completely, end it, tell him that he cannot leave his car here, and so on. She told me that I need to move on.

So, I’m losing my friends’ support. This board is the only place I can express my feeling freely from now on. I wish I would get more responses from the veterans. Maybe my sitch is just so hopeless… But, I’m very grateful to everyone who’s taken time to read my sitch and give me some advice, or just hugs…

Oh BF, please don't feel that your situation is hopeless or that you are losing your friend's support. Your husband has done nothing but talk talk talk, no action. He says he is trying to separate things like the cell phone but is not. How difficult is it to get a new cell phone account? You can get one online for crying out loud. He is procrastinating. Don't worry. Don't feel hopeless.

And don't worry about your friend's advice. You know she only said that because she cares about you. You are not losing her friendship or support, she just does not understand, and does not want to see you in so much pain. Hang in there BrightFuture, there is truly a Bright Future for you, and for all of us!

I have my first DB coaching tonight at 9 pm! Nervous!

It is all so difficult isn't it?

And emotional. Bright you sound like a strong businesswoman. But that does not mean that you cannot be hurt. Personally I was totally taken off guard at how much and how long the hurt lasts.

Let yourself cry. It is supposed to be therapeutic.

I absolutely get what you say about friends. Most do not understand any of this because they have never actually gone through it or they just want you to stop hurting. That is why I have found this Board so valuable.

You are doing very well. Unless something affects your future, let your H keep talking. He is all talk and no action. Laws are different in different places but if all is OK from your end and you do not want the D, make him work for it.

Take care of you. I know how hard that is as well. I am still working on it.