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I got tired of guessing what might be wrong (patience has never been one of my strong points--lol!) I called him on the cell at lunch and told him not to bs me, something was really bothering him and I was feeling creepy about it.

It turned out that he had been fretting over a work situation for the last two days (that he's been off) in which he feels like a nurse endangered a patient and when he got to work he had to call for the EMTs. The EMT's were new people and didn't listen when Wolfie told them what was going on--they treated the guy with something that endangered his life even further.
We talked about it awhile and decided that he would call and check on the guy's condition instead of just worry. Then we talked about Wolfie calling the patient's doctor and relaying his concerns.

Wolfie made both calls and then called me back to say he felt a lot better about things. I told him that I can't help but sense when something is wrong, and it is frustrating when he tells me NOTHING is wrong, he's FINE--and then I start assuming it has something to do with me.

A lot of times, it does have to do with me when he starts acting pissy and weird, and after he has stewed around about something for along time until he has built something small into a huge dramatic ordeal, it all comes flying up at me out of nowhere or I start getting punished for something I have no idea what I'm being punished for.

I hope he can start talking to me more when he's just fretting about something, so we don't go through those old cycles. I'm trying to do a 180 and basically demand to know what he's upset about. It feels like I'm being really controlling when I do that--but I don't like dealing with the alternatives.

I don't know if any of this about our convoluted communication problems makes any sense to anyone else...so just ignore if this all sounds like I'm blathering away.

It makes a lot of sense to me.

Hi Tal,

Your hardly "blathering." You have a very legitimate concern.
Communication is vital in the best of circumstances, let alone when your M has been blown away.

I must say though, Wolfie is the not alone in the male species when it comes to holding things in.

I'm not sure why it is, but they seem to not want to bother us with these details that make them distance, causing us to frantic.

Confronting him was a good idea Tal, especially if it's a 180 for you. It's a pattern that needs to be broken.

I'd say communication or lack of it was probably the biggest downfall of my M.
We just never did it well, no matter how hard I tried to get the channel open.

Watch now to see if there is a change in his demeanor.

You made it through your bomb anniversary and things seem to be going well for the two of you. YEAH! WAY TO GO!

I think there really is life after infidelity for many, but I know what you mean when you said you'd leave him in a heartbeat if it ever happens again.

Hopefully that will never come to past for you, and the two of you will continue on your path of rebuilding.

2004 is going to be an awesome year for you! Rachael

Tal -- Kudos to both of you for the way you managed the sitch!

Why do you think he doesn't tell you stuff that's bothering him? Capturing that reason and 180'ing that (if you can) might work, right? You'll obviously still have to demand answers for a while but maybe once he's unblocked he'll start initiating more often?

I'm thinking of stuff like he doesn't tell you things because...

he feels you try to fix things for him
he feels invalidated by your response
he feels as though you personalize it (ahem, I can relate here)...

Maybe it's totally unrelated to you, though...a harder nut to crack..(it's hard for him to open up, it's hard for him to look like he is struggling, etc)

Sounds like you did awesome!

Sage

I think it's mostly "tough nut" to crack stuff. Some of the reasons I know of that he doesn't open up to me are:

* He often isn't self-aware enough to be able to articulate why he is upset
* He has a very strong aversion to feeling vulnerable, especially by exposing his insecurities
* He wants to avoid conflict
* He wants to believe that problems will go away on thier own

Reasons that have to do with me are:
* He doesn't want to "hurt" me
* He doesn't want me to personalize things
* He worries about his emotions coming out as anger, and that if he shows anger, I will be afraid of him or won't love him any more.

I'm sure that there is more. I don't think that he's worried about me trying to fix things, because once he DOES open up about a problem, we do a pretty good job of joint-problem solving and he ends up feeling relieved.

Ellie was mentioning something on her thread the other day about changing our reactions so that our partners are more likely to talk with us on an intimate level. She talked about how important it is to use self-restraint when your partner does communicate with you (especially in regard to infidelity or other matters that are difficult to talk about). She hit on something that (luckily) I figured out early on. No matter what I heard or how I felt about it, I didn't react, and did a good job of appearing detached.

I guess when it really comes down to it, I accept that Wolfie is the way he is and I don't think he will ever be a great deal different. I do want to increase the level of our communicating so that it is at a healthier level and not destructive to our R. It's a fine line to toe.

Woah...very bad PMA day yesterday and I am still reeling from it. I have been trying to buck up for annaversary time, remind myself of my gratitude list, tell myself "it's just another day so don't be a Drama Queen about it".

I have been trying so hard to heal my own pain, not wallow in it, for the sake of saving my R for a very long time. I have been so good at "acting as if" at times that I should be nominated for a Golden Globe. In the process of doing that, I often deny my own pain and anger, and resentment builds up that I am working so hard to protect Wolfie's feelings from MY feelings that he caused by his actions.

Anyway, yesterday--even with all of the thought-stopping techniques were useless as pain and anger and crappy memories came up in tidal waves.

I spent awile talking to T2 and some of the things that came up in that conversation was feeling forever changed by the bomb. I literally felt like my spirit had been ripped out of my body--and it took a long time to pull it back in. My spirit had been changed though, and I can't deny that I am forever altered by the events.

I still don't feel whole. I am piecing myself back together and trying to heal, but it is a much slower, more frustrating process without my mate being an ally in the process.

He wants to minimize his actions. The story he has told me about his A doesn't fit realitiy and it doesn't fit some of the things I know. He wants to hide from true accountability. I also have a VERY hard time beleiving that he has had absolutely no conversations with the OW since he told her it was over. They work together, for God's sake, how could that be?

So, Wolfie calls from work at his usual time, and I couldn't bring myself to sound all cheerful, so he asked me what was wrong. I told him "bad annaversary date", and his voice drops to soft and low as it always does when we discuss "THE SUBJECT".

I told him that I really needed to hear a couple of things from him. I needed to know that he honestly comprehends how deeply I was hurt and is sincerely sorry.

He said, "I THINK I understand, but I probably don't really. Of course I am sorry, why else would I have gone through everything I went through--all that I went through to get you back?"

So I said I also needed to hear him swear to me that he would NEVER let this happen again. He said, "I am swearing it to you".

I said thanks, and he said "you're welcome" and we chit-chatted for awhile. Later, probably because I am in so deep in FUNK-LAND right now, I started to be annoyed about what he had said about "all he had went through to get me back". That strikes me as soooo self-centered, much less a perversion of history. As all of you who have been here for awhile know, my story was not about 9 months of him desperately trying to "get me back".

And since I'm feeling pissy, I was thinking about how he does R repair work on his terms, but dismisses the things I tell him are really important to me: like, for instance, not having all of his mail go to the P.O. box I asked him to get rid of before he even came home! GRRRRRR!


You all can pull out 2x4's, as I will be on myself all day to try to get back into DBing mode.

I wasn't just "another day". I hope it will be easier next year.

Tal -- First off, let me say I'm sorry you had such a bad PMA day...the anniversary stuff BLOWS..but you know that.

Next, though, I want to thank you for sharing your feelings...it helped me a great deal to read and reread and realize that I am NOT the only one who, despite having my m. back in a way that is wonderful, is still REELING (at times) from the blow. The fact that I am still so damn scared and sad sometimes sometimes depresses me SO MUCH..and, then I worry that my inability to have healed by now is dooming my m or something. Nice...I'm already feeling like crud and then I beat myself up for it! I start to wonder if there's something wrong with me and it just goes from there. I helps a lot to read that the depth of your feelings seems to mirror mine.

Then I'd like to say "kudos" once again to BOTH of you...you for the way that you approach Wolfie and him for his non-defensive response. I really like the way you confront things with him...I could learn a lesson or two!

And finally...yah, I understand your frustration at parts of his response...and you indicated that when you get back on the DB it will seem less so...yes...his work was different than yours and on his own timeframe...but you yourself have applauded his hard work...just a gentle reminder.

Sending you warm thoughts...and thanks.
Sage

HI Tal,

Glad this anniversary is behind you...the first one IS hard!

I too, think you're handling things just right. You NEEDED to call Wolfie on his "oddness". and by the sounds of it he NEEDED to share what was going on!!

So how to bypass days of discomfort and have him TALK about this stuff when it happens? Experiment and see...for one, won't you be more likely to call him on this earlier in the future?

Might HE even take a stab at speaking up first eventually?

I think it's entirely doable.

Shiny

Thanks for your feedback Sage and Shiny--my two old friends here who have been there from the beginning!

I am trying to crawl out of the depths of FUNK-LAND. This afyernoon, we had a few minutes together before he had to go to work. I was surprised that he started a conversation by saying he was sorry that I had such a hard day yesterday. I told him that I don't think about this crap on a daily basis, but yesterday was hard and I still feel so violated! I said that I was very glad that he had finally figured out what he wants and how much he loves me, but what a mind-f**k it is to have had it come at such a cost.

He said he still feels VERY guilty about causing so much turmoil and pain and he beats himself up everyday. It was hard for me to hear that, like Shiny's H, Wolfie is no-where near forgiving himself.

So I said I want him to try to do the hardest thing: to come to me and talk to me when he was feeling overcome with guilt because I want us to be allies in each other's healing--because that can only help to bring us closer and strengthen our R.

I told him that I was working hard to trust and to open up to him about my most vulnerable feelings, and that I just really need to know that no one else can ever come between us again. I said I think we have a really good thing together and it is very precious to me.

He said it is very precious to him too.

So there we are, me and Wolfie...the walking wounded.

Hi Tal,
You never seize to amaze me!!! You are really quite the heroine! I think you are doing great and what you are going through is normal for this type of situation! It is awesome that H is trying to help in his way too!!!

Remember, we all get bad PMA days--and yes the anniversary would be one at first--as you get to reflect on how things "were"--but remember, you are moving forward with Wolfie and into a bigger and better R!

chin up! You are doing great!