Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Lost and confused Part2

Look, excuse me for being blunt in my last post but if you have any hope of a future R you can't talk too her like that.

I'm not a vet and my sitch is a mess but if it's worth anything if I were you I'd hold back a little. re-read DR and bull back. Stop initiating contact - let her come too you on her own terms and when she does (and she will) treat her the way you'd like to be treated yourself. Regardless of how she treats you.

For ages my W would send me very blunt text messages when I responded I always ended with "have a nice day" you know what? It may mean nothing but recently her texts too me have ended with "have a nice day".

It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do - I realise that because it has been for me. But you have to pull back and let her walk her path because whilst you're in this state she's not going to want to talk too you.

well this ws the first time i did anything like this.

All my other texts are very positive. saying good things to her about her and the kids (her kids). So this last set of texts are not the normal type.

I can show you the texts i get from her and how bad they are but i reply with as much love as i can. I have sent flowers that she never picked up from her mom as she will not tell me were she lives. I do not want you to think this is the norm for me.

i have got nothing but alot of disrespect from her. She keeps saying she is angry at me even for this long but why is this the case. why does she not want to even talk to me of even come out and say i want a divorce. her daughter was told by her that she filed the papers but yet i have not been served yet. but that could have been one of those fights they have all the time and that is when the step daughter calls me for help and some times to stay over. last time she stayed for a week.

I can't explain but like my W she doesn't want to talk too me. You have to read DR and back off. Buying her flowers and pressuring her will make her run away from you faster than anything.

Yes I got that with the flowers and stuff. I have pulled back

It is just so hard as a guy i always want to fix and think letting go is not fixing things. But as I was told last night I that i need to look at "doing nothing standing back" really is doing something and also a way of trying to fix it.


still hard

Oh man, this is the second thread I've seen today where a LBS is texting some crazy passive/ aggressive stuff to their WAS. I'll tell you what I told him, you've got to stop it! When you do that you're just convincing your W she was right in leaving you, that you haven't changed, that you'll never change, etc. etc.

"Hope you have time to enjoy the day Would love to take u for a ride on my bike one day"

STOP IT!!! She doesn't want to go out with you, hang out with you, touch you or ride with you. When you reach out like this it just looks weak and desperate to her.

"I have the rest of all your crap in the basement"

Don't ever call her belongings "crap". I learned that lesson from W way before our M got into trouble. I never realized it, but I called my belongings "stuff" and hers "crap". She really resented it and finally said something to me about it. I never did it again.

"Hey I know your [censored] angry about something but I'm not going to stop being who I am and be nice. God love all !!!!! As do I"

Very condescending. If you're so nice then show that to her through your actions.

"What the hell did i do so bad to you to be treated with total hate disrespect I know this it not who you are or maybe you are now Xo"

So much for being nice.

This passive/ aggressive stuff, it's just another form of control/ manipulation. If that was why she left then you're just reinforcing to her that you haven't changed. 25’s mantra: consistent actions + time = change your S can believe in. Have you shown her anything she can believe in? Look, I know you're hurting. But when you let that hurt turn into anger, you lash out at your spouse and you derail your efforts at reconciling. You have to process the hurt in other ways, not through anger. That's why we preach GAL here, it helps you process the grief. Run, bike, lift weights, go to the park, fly a kite, drive an R/C car, have dinner with an old friend, play bingo, go on a weekend vacation, etc. etc. Do things because YOU want to. Improve your PMA. Get your mind off your W and your sitch. THAT is the path to recovery. And guess what, while you focus on yourself your W suddenly finds herself with quiet time to think about her sitch. And she WILL think about it, a lot. Then she may look back. When she looks back, will she see an angry, vengeful you staring at her with black eyes? Or will she see a happy, content, strong you who is happily going about life without her? Because one will make her look back a little harder, and the other will not.



Yes, if she wants them.



Throw them out.



There's no quick fix. You've got to work through the pain. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your W, because she is gone. The M you had is done. Have a good cry. Focus on GAL as I mentioned above. It works. You'll feel better a little bit at a time. It takes months, be patient. You've got to fix yourself first, then your W might look back.



Yes. She may not show it on the outside, but she's struggling.



Oh yes, yes we do! Most (if not all) of us have been there. Just give yourself time, you WILL heal. I know you want it fixed tomorrow, I did too. It doesn't work that way though. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some day you'll look back and be amazed to see how far you've traveled.

well here is the one thing that i get hung up on.

The reason she left. She never ever told me the reasons. and i dont want to hear any one say i am sure she did. but she did not. I cough her in a lie and confronted. for some reason she thought always tracking her down following her. i do know that she had 2 past relation ships that they did that to her. but the biggest thing here ws the lie from her she tells me she is one place and then i find out she is not but she lied to me about the entired thing even when i had the proff that my best man saw her someplace when she was to be some otherplace.

yeah life [censored] sometimes

well does anyone know how to find out id divorce papers have been filed in NYS. I was told thaT my WAW did file but i never got served

Having been divorced in NY, I can say that if she filed the papers then you or your attorney would have been served.

Does it really matter if you tracked her down or someone snitched on her? Look at how it looks in her eyes. Perception isn't always correct but that is her reality. It is how it looks in her mind.

You seem to have this need to be "right". It is a trait that I have as well. It is hard to resist that sweet satisfaction of being right. That ooey gooey goodness... Yeah.

I have learned a valuable lesson. I don't always have to be right. Sometimes it is okay to be wrong or even just not state that you are.

thank you MrCAS so swampped in life i guess it is god cause i have no time to think about this at this point. but even so it seems to be that i can find the time here and there to think of her. I do love her