Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again I am a NICE shark, not a mindless eating machine.

I can't speak the power of now stuff, but I think the welcome wagon idea is a good one. I feel for you sister! The eye contact and other misc. MLC stuff sucks. I haven't quite come to acceptance with that issue, can you tell

I know this is a really personal question, but what the hell. Are you telling me that Mr. W hasn't gotten any in a year (outside of Ms. Michigan, ofcourse)???? Seems like that in and of itself would be a motivating factor to get himself in gear.

Thanks again for your encouragement and support. I can't tell you how many times I think to myself, I need to mull this one over with UD.

Hud--I think I need to think about this. Mr. Wonderful is not inclined to see me if plans are made in advance. I've learned that spontaneity works well for us... and since I'm not home when he picks up the girls, I'd have to do it on the phone. If he's not in his car without them, I'm usually screwed.

He usually phones me on Sunday morning to ask me, "What time would you like the girls to be home?" I was sort of hoping to spring a surprise by suggesting I come over to get them.

So I'm interested in tweaking this a bit further--e.g. it needs to be spontaneous. Now I'm probably journaling: he also likes the fact that I put some thought into doing things for him (i.e. he doesn't seem to appreciate my spontaneity as much as he does a plan). You see my dilemma?

If I plan it, it has to come off as being spontaneous. He loves thwarting me when I do make plans (Mr. P/A man comes out fully dressed and ready for action).

And Bruce wants to be a nice shark...

Brian,

I just noticed your signature and I'm laughing! What a crack up you are See you tomorrow evening...

Well, although it's a personal question, it's publicly noted here--making it a topic up for discussion.

No, Mr. Wonderful has not had any action since late August 2002. Heck our anniversary is in September and I didn't get boinked then--which tells me how angry and resentful he really was.

My guy has a very distinct feminine side, and his manner of punishing his wild child HD W was withholding sex.

I'm sure I could spend some time in the sex forum, but I really don't think our issues are sexual. Neither of us is getting any, and it's not due to any sexual hangups or dysfunction.

CBH, I thought that a long time ago. In fact, he's made a couple comments about how the dry road of abstinence has totally sucked (especially since he knows the rewards of having HD me). I couldn't agree more that it should serve as a motivating factor.

However, this tells me that this guy has been completely shut down and numb. He hasn't been bothered to do something about his sitch because he's still numb. And as long as he's not doing anything about the numbness, he's going to remain in his MLC fog. Personally, I believe he's suffering from depression.

I suppose I ought to buy a slew of books on this subject, but it depresses me--I can't do anything about it and I can't do any more suggesting (I have, and met with big resistance). I seem to have loved ones who suffer from this illness who also seem to feel that depression is something that someone else has--not them.

UGH! This sucks!

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Personally, I believe he's suffering from depression.

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Yeah, and that can really affect your drive - even my HD hubby took a turn for the worse when his depression was bad.

I'm still pondering writing a manual for the stealth treatment of the depressed spouse Since you're not living with him, you probably can't get him to take vitamins or exercise regularly (although maybe you could invite him along on some outdoor activities?). But maybe for a housewarming present you could buy him one of those "dawn simulators"? It's an "alarm clock" that works by gradually increasing to a very bright light in the morning. They are used to treat seasonal affective disorder but research suggests that light therapy can also help regular depression as well. He wouldn't have to know that's what it's for. Just a nice housewarming gift (If you get one, make sure it's one made for SAD, with a strong enough light.)

Ellie

Ellie,

That is a terrific idea. Because Mr. Wonderful does have signs of having SAD. It's one of his chief opposition points to moving back to MT, where the winters are long and dark.

It's become a sort of joke in our house that he begins his official depression day on June 22, as the days start their descent and the nights get a little longer. This also means that he celebrates December 22, when the reverse process occurs.

We do this jokingly but I also realize that it's something not to be ignored. We fared well living in California, though I believe the Bay Area is approximately the same longitude. Go figure?

He did comment to me last week that he wanted to start exercising again. I just smiled. (Just keep swimming!)

Now where do I get one of those blasted clocks?

Betsey

Here are a couple of sources:

http://www.northernlighttechnologies.com/eng/dawn_simulator.htm

http://www.lighttherapyproducts.com/products.html

http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/productview.jhtml?sku=SL050

Ellie

Holy crap! They're expensive! No Walgreens brand?

Glad I've got a credit card with a decent limit and a means to pay for this extravagance... that little fish bastard better benefit from it!

Hmmm...big food for thought.

IF you were to use spontaneity and appear to get the girls, would you even know where to pick them up? I assume you know the complex since you dropped the motor home off…but you mentioned that you weren’t sure where he actually lived.

Also, IF you were to spontaneously come get them, would he feel like you are too close to his cave and send PA Mr. W to answer the door?

What if…you were ‘just out driving’ and thought since you were close you would just pick up the girls so that he doesn’t have to drop them off and you thought (spontaneously, of course) that it would be fun to pick up dinner for a celebration? Not spontaneous enough?

Weeelllll, I didn't drop the motor home off. I dropped Mr. Wonderful off at the motor home (which was parked at my office), and he drove it back to the apartment and then had Gary follow him back to the house to retrieve his car.

That would be just too spontaneous. Which is why I was thinking about springing the plan for a few hours later, knowing that he will be wanting to put things away in the new cave....

I guess I could do a map.com thing, but I don't know his new apartment address yet... something he will eventually give me, but I don't have it in my grubby fingers just yet.

And no, I don't even know where the blasted apartment complex is. After 1 year, what does this say?