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Since this EA happened during soccer practices and such - I have been taking him as of late. Since the other W has said she will certainly confront her, I have wanted to have her avoid that. Not sure why, I'm just not mean spirited. So after our heated conversation earlier, she texts "D13 has softball and S14 has soccer prac. I assume I'm taking D13?" I could tell the sarcasm implied so I just said "I would like to take S14 for tonight if that's ok?". I get "Of course". I then get just as quick "Whens the appt?", referring to our earlier conversation about seeing someone together. I definitely sensed some hostility, so I tried to diffuse by saying "The conversation we had before was needed but I dont want to create bad feelings right now as it will carry over to doing this amicably. I understand your feelings towards me, please try and not make this harder than it needs to be." I also said that S14 has something this weekend if she wants to take him and Ill take D13 to hers.

I dont know how to handle the MC together thing. We each have our own therapists but today we are just pissed, not a good scenario. Although if I wait she may pressure to "get this over with" about seeing a MC. I made the mistake of saying, I think we need help together and not separately. I may just give it over the weekend to find someone. I had already planned a mothers day outing with the kids and she doesnt know about, but I think I will have to ask if this is what she wants. Not thinking this will sooth anything but it may give her time to settle over this past week so far.

BTW im still mad about her therapist saying my changes werent valid.

I am trying to detach by validating her feelings of moving forward but my main priority is to create a happy home for the time being. However that may be possible. Any thoughts?

Steveh,

I read your entire thread...and as a noob in DB, and a guy in a very similar sitch, not sure how to respond other than to congratulate you on even your minor efforts to control your emotions. Keep putting you and your children first. You cant control her, or her reactions at this point...so why lose your sanity and self over it?

As for the EA...be glad it wasnt an PA. I went through that with my W in 2003-2004 while I was deployed to Iraq. It crushed me, my trust, and more importantly...how I looked at her even to this day. I obviously wanted to make it work...but according to her, things have just been on cruise control since, and she never fully recovered, which that along with other M issues lead to my BD on 1 May 2013. So I know how you feel. The betrayal, the wondering, ect...

Stay healthy, and I wish the very best for you.

I am still in moderation for several days now, hope to get on the boards and post my full sitch soon as well. I could use the support...but it is good in two respects that it teaches me patience, and I get to read other stories such as yours.

Brother, amen to this one as well. My W went to a private T, and I swear the dude filled her head with a bunch of nonsense. Not that I dont want her to be happy....my entire soul wants her to be happy...but I dont thin many of these T's have the relationships best interest at heart when their client is sitting there obviously in emotional pain.

She has no interest in seeing a MC in order to save the relationship. She will simply use it as a "safe place" to announce her decision to D.....or she will use it as her excuse, "I've tried everything...even MC and it didn't help". MC will not help a couple unless both of them want to put 100 percent effort into the MR. Your W doesn't want to save the M.

FWIW, people who are in an EA/PA usually lie a level less than what really happened. For an example, she said it had only been two months, but you traced the calls back to January.

Sad to say, but you really can't believe anything she tells you right now.

Does your W work outside of the home? If not, then I would suggest that you not contribute to a lot of housework, unless she is ill or some other legitimate reason for her not doing it. After all, if she's a homemaker and you are the breadwinner, you won't win any brownie points for doing your job and hers too. However, you can put plenty of time in with the kids. The job description of parents covers both of you. But I don't think I've ever seen a M saved due to the H doing more housework.

About her twin sister......don't trust her for a minute. I would dare bet that she is a very bad influence on your W. You may not be able to control your W visits with her sister, but you better not trust either one of them.

I'm not telling you this in order to add to your pain. I'm telling you in hopes that you won't be set up for more pain by putting your trust in your W or the people she has started associating with lately. As of now, you know that her sister and the OM or two of them. Your W is going to play on your controlling ways big time. That will be her weapon to use on you. And, if you aren't careful, it will work on your mind and you will start thinking that you have to "prove" that she can trust you. That kind of mindset is really messed up, but I've seen it happen over & over again with a LBH who has a W in an A. Remember, she's the one who should be proving she can be trusted, not the other way around.

You need to do some Internet reading on a subject called PEAS. It explains how EA's are like an addiction. I had never heard about it until I came here. The information is true and very real. It may help you for things that may come.

She will try to take the EA to a more hidden level. Especially if the OM has told his W that he won't leave his M.

I'm not going to say much more right now. I know you have to digest this, but things will start moving very fast. You need to be prepared for anything & everything you thought would be your worst nightmare. The LBS has to be prepared at all times. Otherwise, you will make matters even worse.

You need to find the chapter in DR about the LRT and read it immediately. This is what you need to be doing.

Thanks so much sandi2 - as always your spot on. She is using my controlling against me. I stopped doing housework about a week ago as I figured out what you pointed out. I still just pick up after dinner mostly and fold a load of laundry here and there - nothing much but my domain is more outside and focusing on the kids. My motivation changed after ea announced and its completely on the kids as im worried for their well being.

I do not trust her sister but I dont care about what she does at this point, although she only hung out last week and says shes not her sister. Her other friends that know are not like that and she said they didnt support her on the ea but she didnt listen. Which spoke clearly to me. I told her how I feel and she is not interested so im learning to not worry what i cant control.

She tried to bait me into a fight tonight about bringing my son to soccer ... but I had to bite my tongue hard 3-4 times during her texting me while there. She was just overly looking for a fight which finally she texted shes going for a walk. She seemed in better mood when she got back which is good because I just want peace right now.

I know this may advance quickly. I am going to drop the mc talk and just let this progress. My fight is waning however, so the detaching may get easier ... sadly. In all honesty im done proving myself and just want to concentrate on me and keeping the home happy. Anything else will be icing on the cake. I never would have thought this otherwise until recent events.

So I haven't done this yet but thought of it. Her older sister is like a mom to her and I'm sure she doesn't know the full story of the EA or to the extent of the detailed issues between us, but she hasn't been talking with anyone who seems to be supporting keeping her family together. I know this sounds like a bad idea, but lately she hasn't been in a good spot due to ending her marriage and also her EA falling through to go back to his W. It's alot to deal with, and obviously her twin sister is not going to be much help. I was thinking of just calling and saying ... "I really don't want to put you in the middle, but I think your sister really needs you right now as I'm not sure she is in a good state at the moment. Im not going to explain the details, I will leave that to her but I understand where she's at with me and I have come to accept that but she just doesn't seem to be ok. Could you give her a call, she may need to just hear you say it will be ok regardless of what happens."

I know this violates one of the 37 rules but does this sound off base? Nevermind this does sound bad, doesnt it.

Sorry I haven't been responding more...my own sitch has taken a turn so I've been engrossed in that.



Not great there. When emotions get high, you've got to learn to walk away until you can speak calmly. You'll say stuff that you don't mean, or try to hurt her, and that's just not productive.



There's always hope...you can carry that a long time. But I think GAL is extremely important too. It'll help you keep your sanity and make you feel better about yourself. I'd challenge you to do at least 2 things per week for yourself (and we're starting slow here). It doesn't have to be something big....a walk, a run, a dinner, etc.



Yeah, I'd steer clear from that.

With regards to finding time to read....hit the coffee shop for an hour or two, or grab some dinner somewhere and bring it. It's not difficult to get thru it, and you're going to be better after you do.

This is a rough road buddy and I don't know that I've done this before, but I'm going to recommend you read my own sitch if you can find the time. I worked thru a lot of my own demons in my bootcamp thread and maybe it can help you do the same.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2257683&page=1

BD: Thanks for the advice, it seems like there is a lot going on in these forums so it's always nice to see someone take the time and reach out. Especially since we all have our own situations we are trying to deal with. Thank you.



I know, but the ironic positive that came out of it was she admitted the EA after that. It gave me a sense of weird relief in that I knew what I was dealing with now. I know I still own a lot of the reasons for the failures of our marriage, but it was clear why she was now at the point she was.


My GAL right now is work, coming home and either doing homework with kids or taking them to games. Between 3 of them it seems there is always something to do. At nights around 8-10 is where its tough, because even though we sleep in the same bed still, we are giving space and I'll wait till she's close to asleep before I decide to go to bed. Bought MLB.TV to watch the Red Sox games every night during this time and trying to fit in Game of Thrones that has been queuing up on my DVR. Having a hard time engrossing my self in that as my concentration is other places. But yeah, right now I feel anytime away from the kids is a disservice, since one of my 180's has been to spend more time with the family as that was a big issue before.


Going to. My sister said it might be a good idea, but the W has been clear that we should keep our families to ourselves and dont cross lines. She has been ignoring my SIL and sisters calls through this, at first I didn't understand totally why, but I know that she was probably embarrassed or scared for the real reason for her actions, the EA. But she still is and as much as I feel she is not in the best of places and she may need her sister. I need to not control the situation sometimes.

Anyway since yesterday, the communication has gotten better. Before it was cold, sarcastic and short. I didn't take the bait the other night on fighting and I think she got the hint. Yesterday she texted me before I got home about homework she did with D9 and 2 tests she has the next day. Also said she will be taking D13 to soccer and picking up some stuff for my S14's team and she didnt plan dinner, if I could order chinese.
I said sure. More normal talk and I went outside to play basketball with S14. She left with D13 and came back about 2 hours later. I said I need to run out for a little while, she seemed skeptical and I didn't say anything else. Unfortunately, my D13 asked if she could go. Great my point was to GAL and act as if to give her some though that I has things to take care of, even though I was picking up Mothers Day pottery the kids made last week. So I couldnt say no to my daughter, so I said sure. We stayed out for a couple more hours and came home. My idea was to just give space also during this time, and it seemed to work. The W seemed in a better mood, telling me about random stuff she would have cared less about telling me a couple of days before. Almost she was over initiating the conversations now. But just in general a happier demeanor.
Before going to bed I mentioned that I had made Mothers Day plans and I would lose the money if we didn't use it, and it is something she would enjoy, brunch at a lake resort close to us that also has shopping outlets. I said if you want to just take the kids that would be ok. I got an "Oh - that sounds nice - ok". Now I may have mumbled the "just take the kids", so I dont know if I invited myself or not. Im kind of chuckling to myself about this considering my situation however. Although I think I will be fine regardless. I dont think she would want me to sit home, but I thought it was a nice time to try and detach.

This morning was more of the same, except for her initiating R talk. She asked me if I have seen a lawyer. I said no, that I was trying to still contemplate the last couple of days and I am still unclear of a lot of things and wanted to deal with getting my self ok first and to just take it one step at a time. She said she understood. In the next sentence she says that she is not sure how this will turn out but we should start talking to our therapists about what the reality of the situation. I said I have a session today and I plan on talking about how t deal with the kids during this but also I still need to focus on me getting my issues addressed. She again said good and then I ended the R talk by asking who wants to drive the D9 to school. We had more small talk about the dog and Saturdays events.

As you can probably tell, I do want this to work out even though I'm angry, hurt, disappointed by her actions. I feel a sense of blame for it to an extent, although I'm still not sure I can get past it. Just alot of emotions, not knowing how to deal with it. Some of these emotions may have not even reared their head yet for all I know. I may get to a point where, the EA is a deal breaker for me. But for now, my love for my family is what is keeping me sane and moving forward with trying to heal myself, and if it is to be, my marriage.

btw - I noticed W didn't wear her rings yesterday. I had asked her a couple weeks ago when this started, that I would appreciate her still wearing them, and she did everyday until yesterday. She ran my D13 some stuff to school before I left this morning but didnt do her hair or put them on. I had left the house when she got back but I will see when I get home what she did for today. This makes me feel disrespected but I dont think I should say anything right now and just let her be. Sometimes the DB'ing seems like the inability to stand up and demand certain things, so this is conflicting to my psyche. Any thoughts?

Pressuring.

I would not bring it up again. Don't read into it.

Hang in there!