W was here to drop D off for night after daycare. I acted the me way I have been, smiles, how was your day? Etc, no M talk, no begging, pleading, or crying... But boy oh boy is it hard.
How can someone who loved you for so long now act like you're just an acquaintance? Makes it so hard to deal with...
She w talking at a china hutch she wants and she said it wouldn't fit in her new place, but if she eve moved to a different place it might, so she would like it. That killed me inside, so absolute and determined in her actions.
I worry that this is exactly what she wants, for me to no longer pursue and pressure her. Which I guess she does want, and I know I have to do, but, just fear she is so determined she will never reconsider.
I'm trying, but, I have a lifetime of insecurity and inadequacy along with now realizing I am co dependent on W for everything in my life to overcome. I'm trying to figure out how to put my life together so that I can live. If that includes her again down the road all the better, in fact would Lve that and is my goal or I wouldn't be here.
I need help and to figure out how to get by the loneliness and the aching of missing her. Everywhere I look in our house I see memories of her and us. I experience things during the day and want to tell her like I used to. And my ind is just all over the map. Last night she was out at a social function, she told me she might not be able to talk to D at bedtime, but, to text. I did, and she never responded, at all.. Which is odd for her not to have texted area the function even to ask how D was. Nothing. My mind went racing.! Is she with someone else? I've asked her that flat out twice very early on, and she has told me that is not what this is about, that if she can't be in love with me, she isn't in love with anyone and it's not on her radar... I believe her, but, it doesn't stop my mind.
Does anyone know how to deal with this? When you're an insecure person to begin with, then become an LBS? The self esteem is cratered. I keep telling myself to stop Overthinking.
You're right, Im a "talker" and a problem solver so it makes it that I didnt get to talk with her tough.
I'm coming to realize that it is utmost importance that she feels head. I've realized that a major issue for her was she WAS trying to get through to me in her own ways...and I didnt see/get all of her messages...
I need to make changes or myself, first and foremost. Give her space to go on her journey, and go on mine...
It's just so hard to let go... I worry that everything she says he believes and won't change hr mind on...ever.. I need to focus on me... Somehow... Advice and support always welcome.
Talker often means controller...you know that, right? As a control freak, I can manipulate any conversation, or used to. That is why we listen, and it is one of the first things we do, to stop trying to control everything we can get our hands on.
Yes, you're right... I've always thought being a talker is a good thing. Something I have learned through this is therapy and self reflection is that in my case, my W was always the dominant personality, so I would try (which I didn't see at the time) to assert myself by taking charge of a discussion or an argument... When I should have been actively listening. That is one of the things I have been working on, and now that I've stopped pursuing, I'm trying to do..however, she seems to be limiting any talking right now since I stopped engaging...
she seems to be limiting any talking right now since I stopped engaging...
Talking isn't going to get you out of anything your actions got you into. Only consistent action showing her the new you will.
Stop mind reading and trying to figure out what she's doing, how she's feeling, or any of that. When we lived with our S's we thought we knew what they wanted or what mood they were in and we were obviously wrong so why do you think you can figure her out now?
Your last several posts have been all about her. Time to let her go. No one said it's easy and God knows many of us have failed at times so we speak from experience. The hurt doesn't get better if you keep holding on
Time to start talking about you and what you're doing...
Who do you want to be?
What characteristics do you admire in people that you want for yourself?
What characteristics about yourself are you proud of?
What are you doing to meet new people? Join any groups? Have you picked up any new hobbies?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I've always thought being a talker is a good thing. Something I have learned through this is therapy and self reflection is that in my case, my W was always the dominant personality, so I would try (which I didn't see at the time) to assert myself by taking charge of a discussion or an argument... When I should have been actively listening. That is one of the things I have been working on, and now that I've stopped pursuing, I'm trying to do..however, she seems to be limiting any talking right now since I stopped engaging...
Have you grown enough to realize how "rude" that type of behavior is(or as you call it....taking charge of a discussion)?
You have brought it up in many posts about how you are a fixer and a talker. I don't know many men who aren't fixers.....but you can learn that your fixing is not always appreciated. You need to retrain yourself to stop.
Same thing about controlling your urge to overtake conversations. That is extremely rude! I would tend to think your WAW doesn't want to hear anything you have to say, especially about the M. That is just typical for a WAW.
So, you have two big areas of personal change you can work on. Yes, it is very hard to do.....but you can do it. I did it! And, guess what? I learned the world around me does just fine without me trying to fix its problems. I learned that my non-talkative S can choose to talk to me or we can be quite together....but I don't have to give a lecture whenever I say something. Is the urge to take over still there? Sure ! But I have learned to discipline my actions.
So, you can do it. You won't do it as long as you talk about how hard it is. And, for what it's worth, it probably would do no good whatsoever if you said your piece to your W. You can't force a person to love you. If she doesn't want to live with you, then love her from a distance....but don't try to force her to love you back. It will only push her further away.
I don't understand why men have such a fear that if they don't pursue, it will make her think he doesn't still want the M. If they really understood the WAW
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was saying, if men understood the WAW, they would see it works just the opposite.
Leave her alone. Get a life of your own. Get involved in new things. Become an attractive person that draws a wonderful person. That should take up most of your time, don't you think?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Leave her alone. Get a life of your own. Get involved in new things. Become an attractive person that draws a wonderful person. That should take up most of your time, don't you think?
I would say that ^^^ encapsulates things very nicely...
Chris, you wrote, "I have a lifetime of insecurity and inadequacy."
That was me.
Took a lot of hard work, introspection, and faith, but, that is not me anymore.
You gotta want it, though. Really badly. You are in charge of you. I am not going to lie, it's not for the faint of heart, but, nothing worthwhile ever is.
As far as needing help with the loneliness. You know what you have to do.
You asked, "Does anyone know how to deal with this? When you're an insecure person to begin with, then become an LBS."
The short answer is do the work. Become the person you want to be. Each day, that should be the goal. Some days you make it, some you dont, but, try each day.
Make a bucket list, meet new people, try new things. Realize that no one can make you happy but you. Understand that you may want your wife but you dont need her. There is a big difference.
And really believe that you are worthy. Each one of us is.
Obsessing will do nothing to change the situation.
