If it is worth saving, then it is worth working for...
Take your ego and your pride and stick in the bottom drawer. I prayed for clarity and I got perspective from looking at myself that I never had before. I didn't like it at all. it was painful.
It has been a problem with me about actually doing emphatic listening and truly hearing what my wife was saying. It is hard. Trust me.
I just keep remembering this... "Your actions are speaking so loudly that I can't hear a word you are saying."
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
I have struggled with that mantra since the beginning. I feel I DO need to be concerned with worrying about her life, as well as my own. If I give her life no thought, and I move on with my own life....why am I even here?
Oh, grasshopper, we are all here for the same reason... Somewhere along the line we all drove our marriages into a big ass rock.
*sigh*
We are all going to have thoughts about our spouses lives. We just don't have to act on those thoughts all the time. We all keep wondering if there is some simple word, action, etc. that is going to turn our worlds upside right again.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
SP, you are getting great advice from some very knowledgeable, experienced and caring vets...... We all struggle at times because let's face it, this stuff is hard and we are 'learning' under a lot of pressure.... Appreciate you posting and sharing you situation, following it has helped me a great deal.
Stay Strong!!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
and you are READY to pull it out fast, even when she's just talking to you about life in general, b/c you don't want to look OR be the one who "does all the work." I say, "why not be that one?"
Newsflash...the spouse who wants to reconcile the most, needs to take the first step, and the next step, and the next thousand steps...
and not worry about what the other is doing.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I saw a great man do this (the conductor of the EE workshop actually).
He asked his then 8 year old son something like "Christopher, remember our talk last month? Well I've really been working hard not to snap around you when I'm working. So, can you tell me, how am I doing with that?"
The son took the question very seriously, and reflected.
In that moment, I could see that the son felt valued by his hero father, asking HIM, a mere boy of 8, how he, the HERO DAD was doing...and all this for his son.
The boy beamed afterwards and "congratulated" his dad on his progress by shaking his hand or patting his back. I can't recall exactly, but they both seemed like best friends at that moment. It was a small but heartwarming moment
25, thanks for all the time and commentary you share with folks on this board. It is incredibly generous of you and I find your comments incredibly interesting and though provoking....
Thanks for all you do.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I feel I DO need to be concerned with worrying about her life, as well as my own.
Dude, seriously....why?
We are each given one life to be in charge of, that's our own. Some of us get children for whom we're responsible for a few years but not nearly as long as some people think. That's another topic.
You are responsible for YOU.
You have plenty to do with working on you. Be friendly and cordial to W, but leave her to her path. Right now every time you interact you give her reminders of why she wants to end the marriage. Your words sound OK on the surface but there's an undercurrent of "you're so wrong W".
As far as showing her your changes, first of all you have to change and it has to be real, to the core change. Have you ever been in a place and see that telltale stain on the ceiling that indicates a leak somewhere? Instead of fixing the leak, they've tried to paint over it but it shadows through and soon, if there isn't a repair, the ceiling will fall in but the bigger damage will be the rotted roof.
You're trying to paint the ceiling. Start looking for where your leak is and fix what's damaged now.
You can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I see what you're saying, LA. As always, great insight and advice. You have been incredibly helpful to me, usually without even breaking out a 2x4
Cas, thanks again for sharing some perspective. I really need to buckle down and make my changes an intregal part of me. You are all right, that I have an underlying condescendance in my discussions with wife. I really need to work on that.
Today is another day. Time to make it the best day I can....
