I have been reading around here and finding that maybe we, the LBS, are victims of our SO who where victims. We, who all seem to be exceptionally loving people, maybe saw that " something " in them that they latched on and it gave them the strength to get out of their darkness.
But, as I am reading more and more, age, work, any kind of change, there are a handful of them that can't cope, revert to what seems to be the best choice for them, their all to familiar darkness. They start to believe the change they made for "us" wasn't worth it because they failed, that's why it becomes all our fault. We were proven a mistake because now they are miserable or failures and we were the only constant so it must have been our R.
OP, they put in their lives, no matter how much they suk, are not the cause of their present state so they are free of blame. I guess that's why it takes time for our SO's to see the OP as a POS, or they never do and the OP fits right in to the dark person our h's always were, and have retuned to.
I have been told some of this by my h, he did say he changed from who he was, dark, to M and give change a try, give walking w/God a try, to see if it leads him to his mansion on earth and in heaven. He now considers himself returning to himself, and he fits in better with EA gang, and I need to let him, stay back, and maintain the family.
I fought that for 2yrs, I see now that I was fighting for him not to revert, but to stay focused on the man he became when he went to college, M me, became a F, and L God. I didn't save him, I didn't break him, I don't belong with this version of "him", and now I finally get it! I saw it when I read Antonia's post, he has returned to something I am not a part of, and he sees it clearly, he doesn't want me a part of it, it just took me some time to see and let go!
Thanks all for you support, I am stronger for it! <3 dawn
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
glad to hear you're getting better and better at idea of letting go. i'm not so gracious- antonia is a saint i think. i'm not so much.
i'm going to leave it there and go out to garden. i just can't capture the loving giving thing today- i cannot imagine myself ever ever ever telling h to go have a wonderful life and mean it. i am not sure about my litehouse. may be dead.
when we part- i think i will not care if he drops off the planet.
evil girl me today. oh well- off to plant some stuff and capture some peace of mind- and the spirit of planting and growiing rather than just being a ratty girl who is feeling at "the end".
i'm hoping this too shall pass.
I cannot know this man any more - i swear dawn - - half done roof or not - i can only avoid him and hope to regain some equilibrium here - fingers crossed.
i forgot to say before- in response to your havinglooked in your h's phone and seen that he and ow are calling each other non-stop - all i can say is omg - me too. i've said same thing you do - that it's like pre-teenage girls. this guy- back a couple yrs ago- i'm wondering why he's not talking- then i realize every five minutes he's checking for a text or sneaking out in car to , what? phone? and flipping his e-mail screen. it's soooo lame and embarassing for him- i'm ashamed for him. he is clueless i'd think- but how humiliating for him (well, them) to be acting like such children. they don't even know it. . i cannot get over it. i stopped snooping rite after seeing first two e-mails- hurt me toooo much to ever want to look again.
i figured i knew the WORST - WHY would i want to do it to myself again. it's burned into my brain anyway-
i hope your weekend went okay and you're happy (ish). you crack me up with your jubilence when he leaves. at least you know your mind- i wish i did. i wish i knew (and had) what i want to replace this old life. i guess i have all the time in the world til i die to figure it out. oh well huh?
i don't think my lite is on maybe anymore. i listen to some comments to you in here - and honestly, i don't think my h is in any pain other than pain in his neck to have to know me - when he'd rather be alllll having his wonderful life in fl. i do not think i even register in his brain, heart or life as something important (at all). I'd say he is feeling nothing other than relief that i know so he's not such a bad guy (in his mind i guess) and he is just tra - laing along doing whatever entertains him most. i am not worth consideration . (this is if i take a break from thinkign there is any hope at all and make myself face the music here- it does not really seem likely to me that he will ever (come out of this). it seems like this is what and who he is and was and i just never knew & bought the "story" he fed me.
no kidding. it's sad to say out loud- maybe if i do say it out loud to you tho - i'll shame myself into taking it more seriously and fatally. i might need to "real-up" here and face possible end of life as i know it (with him in it anywhere).
i think i may be in the 25% mwd talks about that all my efforts do not make a difference. i could probably do this for rest of my life (i sure hope i do not do it) and it will only make him feel like he's "got it all".
i'm trying hard tonite to resist the hate road- i know, i sling it around all the time- it feels good to say rotten stuff and hopefully butch myself up. i'm not having alot of success. i still like pretty shoes and jewelry- damn - no butchie-girl here.
oh well - me trying to come to terms with possible failure. my h , i think, is not having a dark side and is not in pain. he's just a selfish guy who was raised alone- thinks now he's happiest alone and of course- his aloneness includes ow (s) via e-mails and cellphones that is all very fun and mysterious and forbidden fruit and alot of other desireable hooey & crappola. it is one giant game - and what other people feel is not part of his concern. it's not very flattering to think i've been so devoted to such a doofis for so long- but ther eyou have it.
this is me- being REAL. OH WELL HUH?
like you- i do not belong with this version of him. my sister keeps telling me it takes men five -seven years to realize what they've f'd up. who in heck would or could wait that long? i do not think i will be "here" in that long a time. antonia is a saint- you might be on your way. me, nope. No sainthood in the offing. i'm pretty ratty i don't want to let go- i will if forced - i won't be happy or nice about it and certainly will not think of hm fondly and wish him happiness. in fact, the reverse. i'm not as strong as you- i hear it, what you're sayin and sayin your're feeling - but i'm having trouble swallowing it all. (still) gulp gulp choke choke- sputter.....
hope all is well with you and nothing too controversial messing with your "inner harmony".
just checking in- school was an amazingly (scary-funny- wierd) experience. will probably continue to go if they continue to call. who knows - i'd say i'm half successful & half nightmare so far with the student control thing.
kids are sure a whole nother species (well, middle school kids). i'm used to my neices who are nice kids- there are some hugely beligerent kids out there with no fear whatsoever. they think they are sooooo clever & cool it's quite humorous - they don't see it of course. how are these guys being raised??? ya gotta wonder
it'll be interesting to see where it goes - so far, still making me laugh in retrospect - so got that going for me.
don't know why i should find it so funny- If I were watching myself giving the spelling test trying to keep those dumb kids quiet enough to be heard - (an uphill struggle) i'd be scratching my head and saying that poor boob - what in the world is she doing there - but it's rolling off my shoulders for some reason- i'll take it.
I'm still finding myself on my path moving forward with dropping the rope. I have been doing some things for myself and have put some thoughts away that make me crazy. I barely look h in the eyes/face when he speaks to me, and boy does he speak to me.
H has been working 8hrs on - 4hrs off - 8hrs on for the last 2.5 wks, sleeping in between gigs. He explained to me today that he wants to maintain this schedule pushing himself until hopefully he falls from exhaustion.
Can anyone explain this form of self deprecation. It seems to be a out cry -please see my dedication and give me the rewards I so desperately deserve already so I can be relieved of feeling like a looser. Make any sense? NO? But, for the sitch?
He is fixated on the fact that he is worth more dead, so if he pushes himself he will either make it, or die, either way it will be a financial win, which he says is his only goal. I know your not psychiatrist here, but has anyone heard of such self deprecation. Not drugs, or PA, or risky behavior, but death by work?
I stay out of it, pay the bills, keep the house running, as he twirls around. I am just so bewildered! He's not having fun, his MLC is toxic.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I'm convinced now that h is drowning in need for attention, and there never will be enough, he's an open drain!
Why attention? Recognition? Narrasism? Self deprecation? He's trying to convince himself he's crazy, he said...I'm crazy, than he said...I don't know! He's rational during his irrational thinking! He can't even achieve becoming the great looser he wants to be.
I'm going to the gym, it's raining and cold, but I have to move forward. It's the Midwest, whatcha gonna do!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I wanted to pull up the bent over man with swollen feet who crept into my front door this morning, lay him down, cover him with my quilt near the heat and serve him something warm. I would have, I shouldn't have, I didn't.
He just left in pretty much the same condition, accept he did eat my cooking and ask me for knee rub while he hobbled in his work boots out the door dragging his head.
I did good! I didn't give in to the pathetic pitiful man he is allowing himself to become. I don't condone his workaholism, and I won't give it attention. I feel something yea, but I have to stay back, its when I get right in there with him that he develops this burst of strength to spew out of his mouth enough sh't to make me feel bad, (thats ea's spew to deal with) I have to protect myself as well as let him travel his road.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
good for you i guess - it is reeally hard not to "do" what you do for them . you're strong to resist - it was hard to not give in and have mercy.
and wow - if that is what happens when you do- that he gathers momentum to spew. hearing you say this stuff- i have to say that THAT kind of thing is what makes me (*almost) hate people in life- PEOPLE THaT FORCE ME TO BE HARD.
I FIND IT soooooo distasteful to have to watch myself that strictly - keep back my sympathy- my actions and hold back- HONESTLY - that it almost makes me hate em.....
is that sick or what? (them sure- but me too?) the need to provide comfort being so strong. (my old thing of my mother saying I care "too much". she doesn't even know me- ... wtf
i know some people see it as my "problem" - - it seems to me that i have alot to give and can afford to be kind - who can't? my life is not so awful i can't spare some compassion for a poor sap -
yet- they take it and it feeds their need to jack ya around. maybe receiving comfort empowers people somehow - and they see the person providing it as foolish to do so- and somehow like it gives them an "upper hand". ya think? maybe this is the deal with my mother & h? my constant and willing "service" makes them despise me? it's kinda sick- i feel happy & grateful when someone is nice or goes out of their way to be kind. wtf????
wtf is it dawn? it's not just your h- it's human nature maybe? i want to become an alien about now- and not feel this stuff anymore.
maybe we should go (minor) mlc and just STOP the madness. WELL- YOU WISELY ARE- I'M GONG TO TRY AND FOLLOW YOU AND BE MORE AWARE OF WHAT I'M (really) seeing & doing..
i think you are sounding very wise about what your sitch is and how you can control him and his part - by what you do and your part. very objective.
i need it this a.m.- here's me going off to consider more closely what i am doing and stop a bit.
do YOU think it's creepy & self-indulgent to go around being nice and enjoying it if people like you?
HEY- MAYBE this is why i'm finding this awful middle school experience kind of interesting and entertaining. MAYBE I'LL BE COME REALLY TOUGH AND TOUGH AND TOUGHER - FACING THESE LITTLE AWFUL DELINQUENTS DAILY- I CAN GET ALONG WITH THEM SO FAR- well, they listen, don't speak disrespectfully or awful to me and we can "connect" one tiny bit (I can't get them to actually do their work) but they don't kill eachother orm e-
MAYBE I WILL BECOME A POWER BABE - AND GO AROUND takng command and so forth (hopeful thinking huh?) too bad shool is almost over- i may need a year or two to conquer4 totally my sappy nature....
finers crossed. you've inspired me this morning and i'm off to see the wizard.
one way or the other- i'll conquer this mess. well, i have to, don't I??? or what? die - don't think so thanks....
xxoo onward & upward today
thanks for sharing- it helped me alot today- i need to figure how to protect me better too- step back- stop thinking "it all matters" so much- if you can do it- i can too - rite?QQQ!!!!!!!
