Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy starting last resort but need help

Here is my post in newbies:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2339596#Post2339596

This all relatively new im starting LRT as me and my wife are seperated. She is out of the house. One of the things I am struggling with as also posted this in mey original newbie profile is supporting my wife while she is having the affair. Paying for cell phone, gas, her rent, 100% of everything. She has no problem communicating to me when she needs something or the kids. Try to have chats with her about "nothing" and wont do it. She gives all that to OM. I want to tell here as long as your having the affair (which she doesnt view as an affair because its meaningless)you dont get the priveleges of me being a husband. Otherwise will she ever realize what I offer? I also I am making the changes in my life that are needed. But i almost feel like if I keep supporting her she may never have respect for me. But of course the whole DB thing says what makes sense doesnt work.. Help!?!?

Hi Jerms,

I read your Newbie thread. I'm a newbie to the forum too. My WAS (also in PA)left 2 mos. ago. I wish I had found this forum right from the beginning. There is so much knowledge and experience here! I think it's great that you have the DB knowledge at the beginning of your separation.

I totally get your concerns on finances. My WAS lost a job and now I am the sole income. S is staying with family. One thing I did for myself to protect my interest and feel in control was open a second checking account. We have always had a joint account. I now have one third of my income going into this account that my WAS does not have access to. Everything else stays in the joint account (at least for now)so our marital obligations are still secure, WAS can buy gas for the car, food, dinner, etc. and doesn't feel cut off, but I have put myself first and feel really good about it.

When I first told WAS there was some strain but then my S said later on "Well, at the very least we will have a vacation fund when everything works out." Although my S was upset at first, I think showing my strength and resolve to take care of myself earned me a little respect too.

Hang in there!

Hi Jerms, I wanted to pop in this thread and give a bit of context.

You are working with a DB coach and I understand that the advice given by the coach was to help your W feel "safe and comfortable" with you.

In doing so, I know you question that advice in so much as you think you are enabling your W.

At the end of the day, if you do not want to follow the advice of the DB coach, that is completely your choice. And I mean that to validate if you feel you are enabling your W and do not want to, then do what works... FOR YOU...

You will get support in what ever you choose. Although I will submit that there is very likely ways to keep your W close to you and "safe and comfortable" with you, in ways that will not feel you are enabling her.

Try to figure out why you feel you are enabling her by following the advice of the DB coach. Look at those specific points rather than justifying that your W isn't working or looking for work, so you will simply stop giving her money until she finds a job, as though that will be some incentive to get her to find a job.

Just something to consider.

Submitted before I realized I was going to say:

Withholding from your W is not going to help her feel safe and comfortable, with you. Withholding is generally a passive-aggressive way to manipulate someone to our will.

Just know what you want.

Maybe... for you... an A truly is a deal breaker...?

I see your point about the manipulation. Maybe in a way it is a manipulation to end the affair. My wife has an addict personality, its a defense mechanism for her. The affair is an addiction. If I continue to pay for her cell phone, pay for her financial needs what is going to stop her from having her cake and eating it to. I honestly feel like she takes advantage of it. If Im always there for all her needs that she had for me as a husband, financial and helping with other things, but she doesnt have to commit why would she ever give that up. In a way I feel that she has no respect for me and I need to say "if your going to have this affair Im not going to support you as a husband. That role is done." Maybe that is manipulation but if it gets her to focus on what she is losing than what's wrong with that?

I feel like Im enabling her to carry out her addiction, instead of making her face it and deal with her choices. She decided to move out, I didnt kick her out. She wanted to be independent and never have to answer to anyone. In a way of giving her the things that she wants?

After BD in Oct'12, W complained about feeling like she was controlled by me, living in my world and had nothing for herself (this was in addition to hearing about the OM she had always been in love with sight unseen since high school and wanting an open marriage so she could continue to facebook him ). I thought, okay, have it your way. Separated the checking accounts, dropped her cell, split up the car insurance, stopped paying her car note, canceled or separated all the credit cards, and I moved out. Except for the child support that automatically goes into our former joint account every month, I contribute little else.

Of course, we are headed full steam for divorce in an few months still (I filed a few weeks ago and we are in mediation), so what do I know . I know this, if I hadn't done all of that, I would be a lot angrier now for feeling like I was supporting her nonsense 100% and I just didn't need that.

JBolt, so in the end you feel better about yourself?

Well I told her that as long as she was having the relationship I was no longer going to play the role as husband and support her. Her rent, cell, gas, etc.. Well she is pissed at me. And now I understand why maybe I shouldnt have. But I will say I feel better about myself. I feel less kicked around. It gid cause her to have to move out of her younger sisters where there is less accounatbility to her moms where there will be total accountability. So it should disrupt the affair. I feel better about where shes at. I have pushed her further in one regard though. But she is probably more pissed because I just made her face more reality of the situation. Also she feels more determined to do it on her own. But I still feel hopeful that I as continue the LRT things will improve over time, based on her living situation. Of course you always want it around the corner but i drfinitely learn you have to be patient. I dont regret doing what I did because now i feel ready to carry out LRT and GAL. Oh well will see whats in store.

Here's a question because its getting harder to conceal on my part. How much should the kids know about affair? I have D-14, D-12,and S-10. They are starting to question my actions and they are starting to resent me for some of my actions. Any suggestions how to handle?