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Labug told me to check out your posts. I've read through a few and it seems that our sitch's are quite similar. I have a 2 and 3 year old and I'm 13 weeks pregnant.

H dropped the bomb that he had been having an A for 6 months in November and had, in fact, had multiple in the first 3 years of our M. He has broken it off w/ OW, but wasnt willing to give me transparency, so I told him my boundries or we needed to S. We have been S for almost a week. It is considered temporary by both of us, thought, we both know it could end of permanant. We both feel this is more of a step to saving our M than to continue to live together. I can' t just move on and pretend everything is fine, which is kind of what he wanted me to do...but knew I couldn't. Then he got mad at himself for even telling me about the As. At first, he thought we was done and would D. He is very sick and confused.

I too, have things I do need to work on and own for the state of my M in the year or so leading up to this last A. Lots of similarities there. I really changed after having kids. They became my focus, and our R wasn't as important. I am not the best listener and can be quite controlling. (my mom is super controlling, and having kids brought that out in me) I will just take over and do everything for you, if I love you. Not the best thing to do. Ha. All things I am actively working on and have made alot of progress on.

Anyway, I was also a SAHM for the first 3 years and started working 2 days a week last year. So I have the kids Sunday-friday and H will take them on the weekends. They really don't get what is going on yet.

I really feel for you! I'm also glad to see someone who has a similar sitch as mine, as far as having such young children and being pregnant...ahhhh.

KG, I just wanted to say thank you. your ability to take responsibility for your role in your sitch and your strength in facing your sitch has really inspired me over the past week and helped me face the same in mine. thank you, dear friend. ((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you to everyone who has posted to me with support - Bug, Val, Busting, Accuray, Tallula, NG, BMom - everyone.



It's been almost a month since my last post and it's time to come clean for me if I am ever going to turn this around (not my M, but MY problems and issues).

For pretty much all of Nov, Dec and some of Jan. of this year, I was horrible with my H. I am not going to sugar coat it or excuse myself. I have been angry, disrespectful and flat out mean to him - saying snide comments, guilting him, ignoring him or being very critical with him, about him or about OW - in person, by phone, by text and emails.

I have been furious that OW started actively participating and interacting in my kids lives, starting with Thanksgiving, even after she learned from my SIL that I was still in love with my H and wanting to save my M.

My H's family finally accepted her and she spent Thanksgiving with them. Ouch. Then H had the kids for 10 days during Xmas (part of our custody agreement) and all that time, kids were with OW and her family up North. Ouch again.

I have been reeling since then. I have not been able to shake the feelings of being replaced by OW in my kids' lives. They talk about missing her, the gifts she gives them, missing her kids, her mom, all the fun things they do, etc. I have only been able to keep my mouth shut in front of them and just say "that's great."

As for my H, we ended up literally not speaking to each other for about 4 weeks, not even saying hello to each other during the kids' exchanges, which is just such a terrible example and thing to do to them.

Yet this distance helped me a lot and in January I finally felt like the anger re. the OW situation with my kids was gone. I felt very strong and positive for the first time and I thought I was ready to start a civil co-parenting R with H.

I of course had to take the first step, given my lousy behavior towards him and he hesitantly started to be civil back. We even got through a tough 4-way meeting with our lawyers, where somehow we managed to communicate honestly and got through some tough financial crisis issues that we are currently dealing with.

I personally felt like I had turned the corner. These last two months I felt fully detached, didn't think about OW or H or what he was doing. I was able to finally interact with him nicely without getting all emotionally entangled or affected during or after our exchanges. I was so happy and felt so good. I honestly believed I had made it, that I had dropped the rope and was actually feeling ok about the D and my future and not really thought about H much.

Until yesterday...
D4 has been really struggling lately (emotionally) and it's been really, really heart-wrenching to say the least. Both H and I have been discussing it and when he came to pick the kids up yesterday he mentioned a new plan to use a rewards chart for her. It turns out he got the idea from OW and when he said that I just replied OK and walked away to my house, leaving him talking to himself in the parking lot.

All the feelings of being replaced and all the hurt came flooding back. I felt disrespected that he would go and discuss our D4 issues with OW, get advice from her, implement it and then come back and tell me in the hopes that perhaps I implement what she said too? So now not only do I have to share my kids with OW but I have to co-parent with her and do what SHE suggests?

I called him and left him a message I should have not. From there, the bad dynamic of back and forth started - phone messages and emails between us, things from the past being brought up, finger-pointing, blaming, everything.

It would have been so much better for me to have walked away from him and not do ANYTHING about it, but I didn't. And it's all been downhill from there, to the point where this morning we went back to not even talking to each other anymore.

I am so tired of my own weakness. I am so tired of not being able to control my emotions and hurt and be strong when new triggers come my way.

I am just not ready for any of this shXt. I admit it.
I am not strong or prepared for a Brady bunch family life with my very young kids, H and OW.
I am not over hearing my H say that we have not been married for over 2 years.
I am not ready to deal with a H who wants to completely cut me off financially starting next month because he is angry that I am not working and who doesn't see any value in me staying home and caring for our kids.
I am not ready to be repeatedly reminded that his R with OW is not ending anytime soon and I will need to start dealing with her in person soon - like a threat or something.
And I am not ready for an OW who clearly wants to step in and be the perfect step-mom to my D5, D4 and S1.

I am just so ready to give up - on myself, my M, my situation, everything.

I thought I was doing so well, but I am just a fraud, journaling about the same shXt and the same backslides I have been for over TWO YEARS NOW...

This suxxs so very much sometimes and my self-pity does as well. I don't know what I need, but I need a shake-up, to hit bottom or something.

I just want all of this nightmare to end. Is that too much to ask?

Sigh. BIG HUGS!!! Just thinking about dealing with the things you are was like a knife in my chest.

Obviously, I'm new here. I have only just begun what you have been walking through for 2 years.

But your honesty is what is going to get you through this. If you can't state where you are, you can't go anywhere. Denial will just push you further into crazytown.

Be kinder to yourself. There is no timeline on feelings. This is not what you wanted for your life, I get that!!

The one thing I do know, is not to give up on you!! There is a better life for you. For your kids. There is!! Just trust that I know that is true. You tell me that 2 years from now...

Wrong! You're crazy-strong, you're a superhero. You got handed the dirtiest of dirty diapers, yet you're still here, you're still being a great mom to your kids, you're still living responsibly, you're still putting food on the table -- that takes incredible strength.

Infidelity is the worst pain you can face, and because of your status as a co-parent and the age of your kids, you're going to keep getting your band aid ripped off again and again.

I was listening to a radio therapist the other day who was talking about the fact that in this country, if we feel we're living a good life and doing the right things, we don't expect to suffer, yet sometimes you can be forced to suffer despite your best efforts.

She suggested that rather than fighting your pain you embrace it. Tell yourself you want to feel as badly as you can right now, bring it on, then wallow in it. Doing so will actually help you come out the other side faster. I found this quote to that effect:

"You may be tempted to try and forge past it, numbing the pain with rebound sex or a date with a gallon of ice cream. Or you may harden your heart and swear off all future relationships. But that's the cowardly approach, and one that won't serve you well in the long run. It takes a lot of courage to be sad, but a fantastic life is not one that is placidly happy. With grieving comes increased awareness: of what's truly important to you; whom you love; who loves you. Of course, no one wants to feel that way, but if you allow [the sadness] to teach you, it actually will resolve faster than any effort to fight it.

What I read also recommends steering clear of the self-help section:

Bookstore shelves are crammed with books that say, "This is your fault. You created this situation by the way you thought, or by carrying forward childhood wounds". But that's not true. "Don't try to come up with reasons on why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Allow yourself to feel heartbreak—that's what actually gets us over it."

KG have you allowed yourself to be really sad? Have you allowed yourself to be really angry? Have you tried embracing it rather than trying to push through it?

Break some glass, have a tantrum, destroy some furniture you don't like. Smash something with a sledgehammer. Embrace it -- but never think that you are where you are because you're not strong enough or not good enough. NO ONE could handle your situation well, it just [censored] from all angles.

Accuray

Hey K_G,

I gotta say your post is scaring me a little.

Your babies, your family, your friends need you around. We need your strength, your wisdom, and your leadership.

We want your happiness!

You reached out to me on one of my first posts and I am so grateful. I've replied and am waiting for the moderator to post it....so I'm looking forward to your guidance. :-)

Please, please take care of you! Whatever it takes. Yes its time to reach in and make the very best K_G you can. You WILL create an atmosphere such that when your kids look back on this, they will say it was hard, but my Mom made it it better.

Peace be with you sister!

Hi Tallula, Acc and L'i -

Thanks for posting and the concern. I really, really appreciate it. I don't have much time to post right now, as I have the kids today and am dealing with dinner/bath/bedtime, but I wanted to thank you and say I am feeling better.

Focusing on today, on this hour, on this task at hand.

I will come back later tonight to reply to your posts.

(((((hugs to you guys))))))

KG, I know.

I am glad you came out to us and told us that you havent been perfect. What is being asked on DB is the impossible and if it makes you feel better hasnt gotten me any closer to the results I am looking for.

My H girlfriend gave my girls matching sister necklaces for Christmas. YUCK!! I hate her she makes me sick. I hate him. I am talking about both your h and mine and both OW.

I have felt like crap the past few days myself and what I always come back to is do more self care. For me go to another alanon meeting, more yoga, another therapy appointment, have the sitter come help me at bed/bath/dinner.

I know money is tight but our kids need us to be healthy and strong and that requires us to spend money on ourselves.

For what you have written about H family i find it hard to believe that they have fully embraced OW just that they dont want to isolate your H from the family.

Your kids will know the truth. They will know that you were the hero. Dont give up!!

Oh KG,

I'm torn...part of me wants to say "NO, your h's family has NOT "accepted" OW by any means." OTOH, their "acceptance" of her is more about not resisting something they cannot control, any longer than needed. But it's NOT about you or their feelings for you.

I CAN say that based on experience b/c I've had a brother leave a wife whom I loved very much.

Thank God he did not leave her FOR OW, (which would have been bad news for that OW....) but even so, when I'd meet someone he was later dating, I'd always have to force myself not to roll my eyes at her. ANd it was not the new OWs fault either.

But the point is, yeah, eventually we "accepted" the new one he married. But I still love and keep in contact with my former SIL. And truly KG, I can tell you this with all sincerity, turns out that my brother and she did NOT have a great m.

Like you w/yours, I can now see their issues were there, nearly from the start and she was never going to be truly happy with my brother. He didn't help her enough, period. But she was heartbroken at the time he left her and their d5. She stayed with me and I hated my own brother for doing this to her. (I still think he had an OW in mind, but we never met whoever it was b/c I guess it did not work out...)

However, since then, my former sil has found someone who is much better suited to her. I really really like HIM.

I give you my solemn word, my ex sil is happier with her "new" h, (14 years now) than she'd ever have been with my brother. MUCH HAPPIER.

I think my brother, God love that idiot, realized too late that he'd made a HUGE mistake...btw, his "new" w is kind and smart. Nothing like the first one, but they have less conflict b/c her expectations are lower. I mean that...

anyhow, when you contemplate your h's OW, I can see why you'd feel threatened as a mother. NOT b/c you should be, but b/c I'd be if I were in your shoes and then I'd need a ton of therapy to get my head screwed back on...and my T would have to do a LOT of work with me to stop me from going to scary places...

but let's admit it. Do we really want the h to date some multi-pierced chick with tattoos that have HER ex's names on it, chain smoking...something, drinking and cussing and maybe now & then hitting...our children, all so we can be declared the better moms?

(okay Yeah I know...there ARE moments I'd wish ^^that... )

But I'd TRY to see it, in the long run, as the blessing it is, given... the givens.

Hey, IF she's half the woman YOU are making her out to be (not the woman who gave birth to 3 kids in 4 years AND worked full time TO a busy man who wasn't all that helpful OR Communicative...she'll never have to be. No that's not fair but the good news to me is that your h will always know he put you thru way more than she'll ever go thru...and he'll have to wonder if she'd have stayed, as you would have...)

at least she'll be an additional source of affirmation to your children. Like a superb nanny.

And btw, my kids used to tell me they "miss our nanny"...(ouch). Does that mean they preferred her? I think not. Well...I hope not...

ANYHOW,
I believe you will get where you need to be soon, including dating a good man-- BUT I KNOW you are not ready to hear that! I know!...

...so all I'll say is, while my family "accepts" the new wife, and many of us including me, really do like her, she'll always be a distant 2nd to us...(and my brother knows it.)

YES At the time of their Div, I and each of my sisters did speak up to our brother. He feared we would "disown" him.

I said "Bro, I won't 'disown' you for your divorce. But I don't support it. It's not fair, and you'll never do better than w#1. Then again bro, you have not been a great h to her for so long. I'm not sure it's in you to be a good h...and I'm starting to think you are doing her a favor..."

I meant every word of it. So KG, Don't assume your h's family "loves" OW even if she is all fine and a wonderful "Mother Teresa but in Katie Holmes's body"...and certainly not the way they love you. That's because

YOU are the mother of their nieces and nephew and YOU were there for decades and YOU are a part of their family too....
(and he did leave you pregnant, and there ain't no way to sugar coat THAT & they get that!)

AND BECAUSE of who YOU are NOW & in the past.

I met you. I know you. I get you. I see you. I hear you.

You know what I see?

I see determination, strength, COURAGE, humor, capacity for joy, depth, intelligence, perseverance, intuition, womanliness, femininity, wit, insight, the desire for happiness, lovability, loving ability, spirituality,[b] and more coming....[/b]

You're a flower only beginning to bloom.

Your growth is not linear. So what? It's still happening.

You are getting where you need to go.

For now, be HERE, in the present. No borrowing trouble from tomorrow.

(((( )))))

Hi KG,

i really love your honesty and your ability to take responsibility. it has been a real example to me and has helped me in the last few weeks to take a look at some of my own stuff... thank you.

BUT...

i think that your recent issues w/ H do not, in any way, mean that you have not grown or detached or that you are a fraud.. not at all.. (Btw, i felt the same after my most recent interaction w/ my W)

My therapist explained it to me like this... that there is a part of me that is still hurt and angry but that is not all of me.. and for some reason that part of me needed to come out that day... that is the place for us to understand, build awareness and grow so that we can deal with those parts of ourselves away from our spouses..

but there are other parts of me and of you too.... the parts that got you through the pain of the past two months without striking out...the strength that enabled you to detach and to trust yourself... the courage to face the struggles you are having with the financial side of the D... the love you give to your Ds...the wisdom you share with others here... the kindness i have personally seen and felt... those are the parts of yourself that i hope you don't forget or discount in the midst of facing one part...

my therapist calls it the little girl within me, that is scared and needs to tantrum now and again... and forgets to trust that the adult me, the strong, courageous parts inside me, can cope and handle all of this... i realized that i was trying to be too strong and had not given enough voice to the hurt, so it came out when i did not want it too. i wonder if the same is true for you.

(((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))