Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I still like blue, what else?

Your so sweet Portia, thanks for the kind words.

I do have to get out there and do more for myself. I am actually sick of H and all that he is, it's making me thinks he's so yucky, and I don't really want to go there, I would rather be mature and move on gracefully

I'm trying to decide between work and school, it seems neither is the obvious choice, so I have to do some research. My main goal is to be financially independent of H. I don't have many college credits, just some prerequisites before I went into the real estate program at 18yrs old for my licence.

I have been away from RE for a few yrs now and there is no way I want to take a chance on becoming dependent on my state, and the market. I was a looking at all the programs at the jr college and I am lost. I did apply for f-aid and got a full scholarship for being a SAHM.

Working at a place w/some longevity could yield me a decent living (eventually) and I really would need some health care. Either way I need time.

Today H said H can't keep up this work pace much longer meaning the time for a two person income is approaching. He would be making boat loads like all the others if he wasn't MLC. I feel as if I am stuck w/him now, like $$ will determine my path and keep me w/h in misery.

If a court had to decide how much he would pay me a month at this pace, he would be living in poverty, while I brought in my pay to add to what I get from him. I would have the house, my 3 S's pay rent, half his retirement and D19 is in college on his dime. And he screwed me over, hum, looks like loose loose at his end.

Back to me, how does a SAHM work her way out of a bad M, and come out ok, I guess very slowly! Good thing the 40's is now the new 30's

hey hi-

i hear ya on the fri nite thing. it's just that stupid long long process of letting go of what you thought was "your life".

i guess no more or less. we sound good on paper alot of the time- and that's important. we're in there trying like mad- we have our tiny little victories- i guess that's all we can expect.

the friend thing is a tough one. my friends are great - they're all married and pretty much attached and happy. i'm definitely the third wheel- sometimes it's okay and i'm a good distracton for them.. sometimes i feel like a jerk and don't foist my own little miserable self on them - you know, mercy there.

it's a toss up any tgiven nite or weekend nite. they all do things with fam & mate on weekends. makes them particularly lonely- i get it too.

i don't unde5stand being treated nicely. if you're being nice to me- i think you care bout me. if you're treating me like crap- i think you hate me - well, don't like me very much.

pick one. i don't enjoy solitary activities out of the house too much myself. if i'm home i can paint or sew or garden- all solitary. when i'm "out" - i want to be with someone. since i'm not much of a shopper- what the heck isn't morefun with a sidekick?

i'm thinking maybe i need to find a walking club- or biking ? or gardening- or something like that. just new people doing something i don't mind doing. i'm not great at biking- but i probably could do it if i had to. i can walk- i just like getting out of house - we need it i ghink= and i also think that's where we'll meet strange & new people. well, that or volunteer or work.

i've got to get my butt motivated and JUST DO IT. I'M ALL TALK these days- i hate this,

i hate it all - i just want to say it to someone who hates it too and knows what i'm saying. it's like some dirty little secret in one's life- dbing. daring to try- - -

sometimes I EVEN see myself as a gutless worm for taking this route. it's awful & painful & hard - but it's (maybe) still more familiar than total global nuclear war. idk- 'i'd bette go get busy and quit thinking before my head explodes today.

you're pretty "happenin" and brave to go to a hotel alone and just have a change od scenery. maybe you should find and go on a little weekend trip somewhere or something like that. thru a travel agent or tour or someting? ya think?

i miss traveling and having a life...

Weird moments: a M couple living as two strangers, finding awkwardness in a task once done out of L and tenderness...

H asked me for a hair cut today! It's been a long time since he's asked and it was our thing that we did lovingly and for some strange reason seductively. His hair is black and out of control long, as I touched it we both got very quiet. I was very gentle w/him, making sure not to cut it too short, as his MLC brain likes the disheveled look.

He gave me permission to cut it short and gentleman like (saying you can do what you want) but I gave him a good mid level primping. He closed his eyes as my fingers ran through his hair and it was too familiar.

These aliens have such a hold on our S's that your lucky if you get that small glimpse of who they used to be for even a minute. I had my moment and now life goes on

So much L to give, where do I put it all!!!!

When I brush my W's hair/scratch her head, we both enjoy it. I don't want to come across as pursuing, so I only do it once or twice a month, and only when it feels right. (like when she's connecting) I see it as rewarding positive behavior.

Today H returned from his 3day work absence but it was only for a few hours befor he needed to go back in the city. He roared at me like an angry devil on the phone just outside a DD about there not being any money in the account for a coffee. I said I don't know why your having such trouble but your too angry to be calling me!

As he came home to my new summer decor change he was very respectful to the clean pretty house but angrily killed a loaf of bread! The anger in this man could make him combust one day. I went about my day doing for myself, I didn't speak to him unless he spoke pleasantly first.

As he left I was doing yard work and he looked at me with very "guilty for being an a$$" eyes as he said goodby very quietly.

So here I am alone again but I'm ok. I mowed the lawn, went to the doctor, spent time w/d19, S21 is trying to get me to play a video game, maybe not! I love when he's not here, there is no value to him being here, he thinks his chores make it worth his presence, sorry it's not like he's doing anything I can't do, without the drama!

I hired roofers for the back porch to which h said, well it's not like I did it or was ever going to because I'm such a looser, just tell me the cost, that I can do! Ok!

I made dinner plans w/bff, I'm going to a cousins kiddy party soon, and I started my diet and walking again with my neighbor. I need my time filled but it's still such and effort, at least I am content w H's absence, not like last yr when I was in such a dep, and fog of my own.

So those are my baby steps, what have you done for you?

Dawn,
I'm very proud of you. You've accomplished quite a bit in a very short time. Keep up the good work. Some day your h will come to realize what a prize you are.

Take care.

Did you say you mowed the lawn??? Wow! Say no more. Your h sure will realize what a prize he had!

Keep up the good work Dawn!

Thanks Snodderly and Mtnman - I was his prize...I think/hope he's aware!


I feel better again being able to brush off his weirdness and go about myself. Today he said he is the one who makes the scarifies, faces the hard toils, not us, but for us!!!???

What can I do, I'm not trying to make him work to death and push himself behind human capabilities, chain smoke, be sleep deprived, and hungry, that's all on him. I feel confident in my Standing, and I will be ok when/if this ends, I am also protecting myself for if this ends abruptly.

I started watching Gray's Anatomy, I'm on season 2 when a women is crying over her deceased L and her friends says, he's not there...that's not him anymore, he stopped being him when his heart stopped! That is exactly how I feel, my h's hurt has frozen in time, and h has gone!

"I am a sink with and open drain, there is no enough" I want it all now, friends, a life, fun, me, L, sex yea I said it, freedom from walking on egg shells and relaxation!

Letting the anxiety go (for the most part) has freed my thinking and makes it easier to move ahead. I am learning how to do me, while still showing h compassion and understanding, though I am faking it more and more! I care less and less!

hey dawn-

yay for you- remaining calm- not letting his anger "touch" you or diminish you.

it was same with my h- his anger- need to criticize and pick - just bash around. now i know it was because he was cheating and lying - so the anger was (WHAT???) his guilt- his knowing what he was doing and not me - you? just a thoufght.

for some reason h is pleasant since i found out totally what the heck is up with him and ow- i don't know if he feels like he's "not so bad" now- or he thinks he's got to be nice to keep me around (which he doesn't want anyway - so why bother i'm thinking more and more?)

your h- wonder what his "anger" is. i know it's at himself and he says he's a loser- what is making him a loser tho? thihnk it's his guilt pure and simple? i get tangled up here- whether they've got mlc & separate issues from their lives - or they're cheating guys what can't hack life's "sameness" (which, lets get real- is all it is really) (we value it- they spit on it) - so they go cheat and have excitement that way.

you sound good tho- it is hard as heck to "get a new life" and harder still to figure out how you'll afford yourself when h has been paying bills. i'm not a jerk- but i know realistically i'm older, it's a crap economy and there are a million college kids out there looking for jobs. i know i've got alot to offer that they do not- it's geting the chance to show someone it - or meet face to face.

i'm sure it's doable tho- you can have kids kicking in for "rent" that will be huge for awhile. you're sure sounding free inside -



it's been an entire almost two years for me to be emerging from my "fog" - what a long long time- i feel embarassed a bit to not have shot right out into a new life immediately.
(well, on one hand) - on the other- slow and sure is much more my m.o. in life- and i still think- the prudent way to go. keep biding your time and straightening yourself and your brain out i'd think- if he's icky but content to hang in there paying bills- i'd think we'd both be crazy to rush out to no job and poverty to "make a point".

i'm feeling more and more like my h is gone too. perhaps he never ever was what i thought. i know it's stupid to do and fatal- looking back with full knowledge now. i can see things that were his selfishness now in a light - that i never cxuld. remember we said they were "quirky" and you and i were both accepting of their idiocyncracies? well, now i'm thinking perhaps i make too many excuses for hm - to myself most of all -

i'm a bit "deadly" this morning. on weekends when he sees ow and i know it- the deadly quality of his silence and indifference has a totally sinister and detrimental effect.

i wake up and first thought is - you're alone- and he's on his way out. he may not think it or know it (or maybe he does? who the heck knows?) but you do.

i still don't like it- or like the idea - i know we both struggle like mad with the man and life we had- and want it back- today, you are CORRECT in your other post that maybe it's not possible. we're just waiting for our new life to get an equal strangle hold on us and drag us (kicking and screamng no doubt) into that new future.

hard, isn't it? to "let go" of what we THOUGHT we had, were, would be doing til we croak, etc.?????

you're sounding very strong and good tho- and it's helping me to be accepting also. IF they never "return" - in any sense- we won't die of it.

this a.m . i'm thinking my h is a selfish and pretty much cruel (even if it's by default) man. he COULD HAVE mitigated these circumstances any time over the last ten years if he was soooo unhappy. to have let me try and try and try some more to understand - fix it - etc. well, i can't put one bit of good spin on it.

maybe they are like greedy babies and all they want is to be happy and fed and cared for and not one thought in their pea-brains for who is doing it and what it means to them (really) . i guess we'll both find out.

yay you for the activities - you'll feel so good to be around people who like you and value your company and presence. we are definitely soooo much more than "good ole _________" sitting around the house awaiting their favor.

ONWARD AND UPWARD MY DEAR- IT stinks but we can do it-

no body says we have to be perfect at it- or like it- or even stop "fighting it" - but i guess surely and slowly whatever our new future is, it'll come and wack us on the head and we'll have to keep inhaling and do it.

ta da- not quite positive- but resigned? is tht something???

did i say i worked again friday-librarian (i love books & libraries) in the elementary school. laughed alot- didn't inspire much respect or fear in the ratty little boys one wants to wack on the head and tell to go home. BUT - another day under my belt- one bit less daunting the incredible madhouse these schools seem like. .... one more bby step for me too.

xxoo hang on- we can do this - (i was GOINg to say "i hope" - but i'm not- i'm saying we can do this - I KNOW IT.

HAVE FUN THIS WEEKEND- XXOO ((( )))

My Sat was met w/an angry H who is still reeling from the last few days, no real reason other the the spew he spat outside. He spat to my S24 who passed by h in the driveway, ( this is the S less willing to walk away from his F) about society, God, evil, death, life sux! I have not spoken to H all day, yea me!

I did however have to go on his cell history on line because he lost his clients number for Monday's gig I saw for the first time in forever just how many times a day/ night H calls ea and vise versa. OMG! It was as bad as a teenage girl and her bff's. And, if he's not calling her, he's checking his voicemail!

What is that? I think he has spoken to her in 2yrs more than me spoken to me, ever. He denies that, he said he speaks to me much more and about more things. He says she doesn't know too much! It's just crazy repetitive sh!t that he thrives on w/her. But why so much?

I am so glad this is not giving me anxiety, it's to stupid to care about!

I over heard him listening to his VM, he forgot windows are open now, she was saying she was worried because he didn't call her (in like 6hrs). She said she knows he shouldn't anyway because I don't want him to though they are not sexual or dating, she wants what's best for him because they are friends. She totally knows how to manipulate him!

This is not the road to fixing anything in his life, he is stuck/content is his ways! I am introducing the word D into my vocab and thoughts so I can ease into the realization of my sitch. This is getting easier and I am getting more comfortable with the word everyday.

Funny, I could leave him this night, but the word D sends/sent shivers down my spine. Gonna work on that one some more.... more baby steps!