Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How do I proceed? Just back from Retrouvaille.

H told me 2 weeks ago that he doesn't see any other path other than divorce. I think I have been doing a pretty good job DB'ing but of course, am an absolute wreck inside. He is so determined, based on the pain from the past (my depression, my withdrawal, lack of intimacy.)

He admits we have made tremendous progress as a couple but still "can't get his feelings back."

He did agree to go to Retrouvaille this past weekend and just returned. It was amazing in terms of the communication--I think we made tremendous strides opening up to each other. He has agreed to do the dialogue and follow up sessions. But no other promises. He does not know how he feels about it all as he needs time and asked me to have patience. I told him that no plans should change right now (he has an apt to move into June 1) but take the advice of the Retrouvaille couples--take it slow. He has agreed to that. He said he needs to really think about the concept of "love being a decision."

He said he was envious of the couples who were able to profess their rekindled love after the weekend away. I just wonder if it's possible for his walls to come down to love me again.

Any advice on how I should proceed as we participate in Retrouvaille while he stills plans to move out? Has anyone has success with it?

thank you

Original posts:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...395#Post2332395

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2331484#Post2331484


Me 47/H 47
M 19/T 21
S 11
S 11
BD #1: April 2012
H Moved out 11/2012 for 2 months
BD #2: H "can't do this anymore, wants divorce" 4/10/2013
Retrouvaille 4/19/2013

^

Has he said what his concerns were? Aside from the "not being able to feel it" part.

His main concern is that he can't get his feelings back and wonders if we ultimately want different things out of the marriage (although he admits that is less of a concern as of late as he says he can see the progress I've made opening up, etc.) We were intimate as of 2 weeks ago and then said it was just too much. He wonders if there is someone else out there for both of us who will make us happy. He wants to live a "fulfilled life" and "doesn't want to settle."

He knows he should put the pain in the past, not to forget it, but to learn from it, etc--he knows this intellectually but is having a hard time doing it. As our MC said, it takes time, but he doesn't want to give it time.

No concerns about how we get along. We respect each other, still get along well, have the same interests, have 2 great boys, etc. His therapist told him she was amazed how much compassion we have for each other.

Is this a MLC? He just seems to want to move on to greener pastures. He says that "I've done everything right" and he doesn't know why "he just can't get on board." Everything seems to point to his having an affair but I don't think he is. He has always been a bit of a tortured soul.

thank you for any insight, advice, etc



Me 47/H 47
M 19/T 21
S 11
S 11
BD #1: April 2012
H Moved out 11/2012 for 2 months
BD #2: H "can't do this anymore, wants divorce" 4/10/2013
Retrouvaille 4/19/2013

Wow that's really amazing your H went to Retrv and opened up in communication! Perhaps the only thing to do is just maintain a positive attitude. And praise the small steps you see him taking. Good luck!

Ps are you perhaps in the nw area? There was a Retrv last weekend I wished I could have gotten my H to go to. Maybe it was the same

Hi reb9597 --thanks for responding! It is amazing that he went, I am trying to keep that in perspective. But today he put the deposit down on his apartment so it is really tough. He said he needs to do that but is still willing to do the Retrouvaille weekends because "he trusts my judgement" and "we have nothing to lose." I have been thanking him for going and praised him. He obviously can't or won't say he actually wants to work on the marriage. He is just doing this, partially, to check off a box, I think. But I guess I should just go with it.

We are in the New England area. I hope perhaps you can convince your H to go--even if it ends up not working for us, I think it is pretty amazing.

It's very important to continue the daily dialogue sessions, are you doing that? Also you don't have any control over this, but it is helpful if the hosting couples in the followup sessions are good at what they do. Unfortunately our followup sessions couple were timid and spoke in nearly impossible-to-understand accents. We went to two followup weekends and that was the end of that, the nightly dialoging ended around the same time and now W is ready to proceed with D. That said, I still think RetroV was valuable, it just didn't save our M. RetroV places a lot of emphasis on M being holy and God's will, but that doesn't resonate with my W at all (even though she's Catholic).

there is still a lot to uncover with the post sessions of RV. my H and i went last year. we went to the weekend and did all the follow up sessions. did most of the daily dialogue..

i think the problem for us was that i was going through the process with a focus on us.. H was going through the process with his mind already made up that things were over and we were doing RV to better communicate for the kids.

i've only been able to read snippets of your postings but a lot of it sounds similar to H and i around RV time. i'm keeping you in my thoughts for a better outcome because i do think the RV experience is pretty amazing.

That's pretty typical, most WAS's think love is something that just happens rather than something you make happen. So when they fall out of love, they think the answer is to go out there and find love, like it's a rock sitting on the ground waiting to be picked up. All you can do is keep DB'ing and give him time and space to hopefully sort it out on his own.



I wouldn't worry about it too much for now, since he's moving out soon you'll be able to focus on giving him time/ space a lot more then. He's not going to learn to miss you while you're under the same roof and doing everything together.



That's actually a pretty good response. Don't reply right away all the time though. Sometimes reply right away, other times an hour later, and sometimes not at all. The idea is to be a little mysterious, like you're not hovering over the phone waiting for him to text.

Thank you all. I can't thank you enough. We are doing the daily dialogues. Our host couple has called once and we are speaking to them again this evening. They seem to want to be there for us and are very kind and supportive. H is fine with talking to them. We are going to the follow up this Saturday.

BarelyFloating, yes, our H's sound very similar. I think the past year has been me focusing on us and how to rebuild and I think, for him, it's been about making a the break as easy as he can for me and the kids. He does all of this stuff very willingly, and says he will be open-minded, but there has not been any budging from the original plan. I hope you are doing okay. I am just devastated--trying hard to put on a strong face.

Can I get any of your opinions on a couple of things I've been wrestling with?
H says he has been working with his therapist to feel better about himself. A few times, very recently though, he has lost his temper with me which is unusual for him. Stuff from past issues keeps coming up. He has said things such as, " Maybe I should just tell the kids their mother didn't love me enough." I was recently offered a new job with more money and he said, "Most be nice to be so successful. No one is calling me and offering me a job." "I'm having a hard time accepting all the changes you've made." (I was diagnosed with depression last Spring, went on meds, lost 30 lbs, started exercising, etc and feel like my old self.

There is still so much anger, I feel, even though he says he is not angry. He says he is leaving because he needs to feel good about himself and find fulfillment. He acknowledges that I've done "everything right" and that "we have made tremendous progress" as a couple.

AnotherStander, you're right, it's hard to do this while living under the same roof. He can't miss me. He still is checking in with me daily with all kinds of "I know this day is tough. I hope you're okay." He still hugs and kisses me good-bye every morning. The thought is him leaving is gut wrenching but this is just as painful, i think.

But if he can't work through his pain or anger or whatever you call it, and he thinks leaving me and his beautiful boys is the answer, what more can I do? I am just losing all hope.

Sorry, it's been a rough day.