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Well today is my birthday. Going to be a tough one. W looked at me this morning and said Happy Birthday, I'm sorry its couldnt be under better circumstances. I breathed and caught my emotions and calmly said ... it is what it is right now, I'm sorry too and I know it's hard. I was ok until around lunch I got a text asking what I wanted to do about dinner tonight since the kids would want to celebrate my birthday. I didnt answer right away - trying to DB - and she called about 1/2 hour later. She asked what I thought about her going to dinner tomorrow night with her twin sister, who is also going through a separation. I said not a problem because she's had a strained relationship with her because of the way her sister is handling her family and her infidelity problems during their situation. Well then a bomb dropped ... she said "well one more thing" ... and she said this like she was asking my advice. She said "tonight my sister also wanted to go up to a nightclub to watch a country singer we both like. are you alright with that?". Now this nightclub has a serious reputation for a middle-aged pickup joint. We both have never been ones to ever go out and do this. In fact she has always said she prided herself on never stepping foot in that place. I couldn't say anything for about 10-15 seconds. And then I said ... I have changed this about me and I would never tell you not to go, but I have serious reservations because of the dangerous territory this could lead considering our situation. I know she is in a weird place right now, so it scares me. On top of that, we were supposed to go to dinner as a family, and that really got to me. She said towards the end we should still do dinner but lets go earlier so that may give me a chance to go if i decide. Which i know she will go anyway, she was trying to downplay it i believe. Part of the hard part of DB'ing I guess and my 180 to not control. My issue is allowing my feelings to be part of the conversation.

Thanks for the wisdom on the previous posts. I must still be on mod as it takes awhile for my posts to appear. Patience is the key right now though right?

wish i could change my subject - very unthoughtful - but I was looking to just get something down and was not in a thoughful mood that day.

So went to dinner last night out - it was nice but quick felt rushed a bit and asked if the kids wanted to get some icecream down the road. Of course they said yes, and I asked the W if she had time. She said she did but we were both stuffed and barely ate our cones. I took the kids from there and she went to pick up her sister. Said have fun, and she was off. I decided to take the kids out to a pottery place to make some gifts for Mothers Day coming up. My S14 was not thrilled, but once we got there he got into it. He's a good kid. The D13 and D9 loved it and we'll have to pick up the final "masterpieces" next week. We went home and I didn't even think of checking in or texting. I then noticed she got me a few b-day presents (shoes i needed for work and a Kan-Jam Frisbee game we could use when we go camping. Card from the kids but not from her, its ok though. We like to camp as a family, kind of read into it a bit about the future, but caught myself. Later, my D13 texted her though to ask about having friends over tomorrow, she said ask dad as she has plans for dinner with sister again tomorrow. Forgot to mention that in my prev post. W asked about that yesterday, and what was I going to say - No? Her sister asked if she could get out 2 nights in a row but just for dinner tomorrow. They havent been close in many years and I know its important, but I fear her sister is looking for another "wing-man" or bringing her to the dark-side (i need to trust the force :)) for her outings. My W isnt like that, but I need to control myself and not think this is some MLC either. I am still thinking there maybe a little of that, but unclear as I'm focusing on my problems within the M.

W came home last night from the concert around 11 - I was dozing off in bed with my D9 on the floor next to me because she hasnt been fond of her own room. Half asleep I said hey - how was your time. She snickered and said you were right - that place is weird and not my cup of tea. She said the music was good but too loud because of the close stage venue. With that I said thank you for the gifts, and she said I hope you like the shoes. I said I really like them. Mentioned I would get up in the morning with the kids, as Fridays has been my day to let her sleep in a bit, and she said ok. This is a good thing as she wants the control over the kids in the morning, as she says "thats what she does". Also back when the B dropped she said dont change because I dont want the kids thinking something is weird and dad is being overnice, so when we possibly do sep, it wont look like the she is the bad guy. I ignored that obviously, my 180's won't allow that So this is a good thing she is open to allowing me to do this, it means she is noticing. Small wins. This morning went ok, got the oldest 2 off to school and let the S9 and W sleep for a little over an hour. S9 always looks for mom in the morning, so she feels obligated to get up, trying to alleviate this but not a focus right now. Got rdy for work and took S9 to work, Ive been giving quick hugs in the morning w/o reciprocation, as this was a big thing with her in the mornings before that I used to not be good at. I know this is against DB, but its hard for me. I should stop because i think it pressures her, but it also seems part of my 180 since she always wanted this before i left. Any advice on this?

Took S9 to school - I went to work

One more thing we had a conversation about yesterday. When the wife called me about going out, I think I explained I handled it ok but somehow my emotions came out about it related to her sister and her situation (S - infidelity, living together) not effecting ours. She didnt get upset because she agreed her sister is not handling things properly but I didnt have to worry it effecting our situation. We hung up and I called back about 1 hour later (I know - bad) - saying it was wrong of me to compare and to just go and have fun. I said sorry been really trying hard with this and it's not easy. She said I know you are but look I have my counselling session tomorrow and let me get through that and maybe we'll talk more this weekend but I'm not making any promises right now about anything. It's the open ended comments that drive me insane.

Just some insight and more journaling/venting.

So having a hard time finding time to read DR, only have hard copy, no kindle version so cant really hide it. Don't want W to know I'm reading it, and dont want to ask her to read it right now. Work is really busy and kids events and work at home is non stop. I found myself putting the book in my drawer at work and catching a few pages here and there. Also lunches seem to be the best, but I'm generally not a speed reader as I reread passages to make sure I understand, especially something as important as this. It's hard living under the same roof right now and trying to hash this out, dont get me wrong I wouldnt have it any other way and "I'm counting my blessing for the moment" ... W eloquently said this last week to me. I know she didn't have any hurtful intent as thats not her nature ... but it stuck with me and made me wonder.

Well im done - should have seen it. Wife admitted an EA for 2 months (i think longer based on call logs) last night - never would have guessed it being too blind by trying to own my own issues. Not sure i have it in me to fight for this now.

Dont make any long term decisions while the news is so fresh. Let the pain subside.

You will find inner strength you never new you had, if you want to.

Dig deep.

Hang in there.

Honestly im in a much better state of mind right now than I have been in a month. This has put me into a idc anymore attitude. Not reacting yet as I need to clear my mind a bit and let the dust settle. I have a lot to share regarding the latest but short on time for right now. Thanks for the support.

Thanks SM34: Your right I have found a diff strength. It's odd, but I now have some clarity of what caused our immediate situation. I know I own a lot of why this happened, but I didnt make the choices for her.

We'll after our discussion of her telling me, I obviously flipped out. I know this other married person she has feelings for and their family since our kids play on the same soccer team. She said in 2 months she tried to forget her feelings for him. She also said nothing progressed past talking, but I just dont understand how you can make a decision like that with the limited time they had to see one another. I was just beside myself with hurt and anger and sadness. At 11:30pm I said I'm calling this other person, and then she flipped out trying to stop me. Our kids were sleeping and I know they heard some of the commotion, even if we were trying to keep it down. I went to the basement and she followed me there making sure I wouldnt call. I calmed down and we went back to bed, but I was still stewing about it and decided to text him. My W was concerned about waking his family, and at that point I was like, f that, you guys are looking to destroy 2 families and your worried now!!!! So I sent "Be prepared to talk tomorrow - for my W's sake I'm sparing you tonight". I was pissed at the time and I told my wife to leave the bedroom - go downstairs and sleep or something. She went with some anger of her own, probably over me texting him.

So now I can't sleep, so after my W said this started only 2 months ago I decided to check the phone logs. I see calls back to beg of January almost 4 months. Now my W handles alot of calls from the teams parents as she is the manager for scheduling and finances so its possible they are legitimate, but at that time I went downstairs to ask her, and she said she is completely telling the truth about everything. I want to believe her, but at that point my trust is already pretty damaged. I say I need an answer right now about fixing this or not. She says she doesnt know, but if I force her into an answer, it's no. I was still angry so I said then we need to tell our kids tomorrow and move forward with this. She pleaded for me not to run her through the mud with the kids.

Tomorrow rolls around and I decide to take a couple days off for my own mental health. I drop my D9 off at school and I get a call from the OM wife. The OM had apparently told her after I texted him last night and they have been talking all night. She said he is not going anywhere and he is not looking to break up any family. He still loves her and they are going to fix their marriage. They agreed that he will no longer see or talk to her. Ugh. This oddly makes me feel good and sad at the same time. I am so hurt and angry that my emotions can't comprehend much at this point. The OM texted me after and said he would talk to me but is hashing out things with his W this morning and is sorry and promises he will go no where near my W. I dont know how normal this is, but we are all good people for the most part, so I appreciated this.

I go back to the house and my W tells me she's going out to give me space and dont do anything stupid. Im not sure how to take that, but I say I'm more than fine right now and I'm concerned your making the wrong decisions because this guy may not be on the same page. She spins around and says "what do you mean by that". I say I'm legitimately concerned about your well being and we need to talk to someone together about dealing with this for our family. She doesnt say much and leaves. That morning I notice she takes her phone off our bill because I got an email about it. I get a text later from her saying that we need to talk about how to handle the kids. I didnt answer. She sends another one later saying can we please talk before talking with them. I said sure.

She comes homes and I tell her I have no intentions of hurting my kids or the family anymore over this, and we are in no place right now emotionally even deciding anything or certainly talking to them. She is relieved and thanks me?!? - like I would ever do anything but that. I am looking to ultimately spare them any pain, but it might not be possible. I also say the OM's wife called me. She gets angry about me being controlling and accuses me of calling her and I assure her that she called me and also what her husband promised to his wife. This sets her off even worse and storms out of the room. She cools down and comes back to talk. I do not see this as controlling but confronting an issue that shouldn't have happened anyway. She is really hung up mentioned controlling right now because I do have these issues that Ive mentioned in previous posts but this was her trying to justify in my opinion.

Had to take son to soccer practice, and I mention it to her because my D13 had to go to her soccer practice and gave her a choice. She says apparently she is forbidden to go to soccer now, and I said thats not true, you can make your own choices. She said you take him. BTW, the other W will have words with her at some point and she may know that now. So she may just be avoiding.

This morning we had an ok talk. I went to her and said "We are both having some immense struggles with this, I am really angry and hurt but I dont want us to make this worse. I just want to have a happy home for our kids right now." Her answer was emotional and said "Im sorry, Im sorry I disappointed you". I didnt know how to answer that either. So I said "I am disappointed and I had always held you on a moral pedestal, but I'm sorry I didnt hold you as high when it came to dealing with my feelings and the way you felt treated. I take much of the blame for your decision, but it was still your decision to do it this way." We said a couple of other things and my D9 walked in, she said I'll call you after dropping D9 off at school. I said sure because I was on my way to work. She calls and she asked why i was being nice and did I know that the OM called her? I said I wasnt being overly nice, but I wanted to just make peace for now and get through this without creating a bad home environment. And yes I knew he was going to eventually call you because he promised me he would. She said so you know what he said then, and I said, I know what he promised he would say. She said he did not want to break up 2 families and that he could no longer see or talk to anymore. At that point I was feeling for her in some weird way and I paused and said "I know this is very hard for both of us in different ways, but I wouldnt be human if I didnt say Im sorry your hurting. Right now I just want us to figure out how to move forward which ever path that is." And she said she had to go and I agreed because I was late for work.

She had her counselling session this morning and she called me after. It started off ok but then went downhill. She said that it is most likely over and the therapist said the changes I have made in the short period of time are skeptical and she is 100% positive we would most likely be back to where we were shortly. Great. This may be great advice for her, but this was my fear of having separate therapists. She reluctantly agreed to see someone together, but said no way is she staying around for 6 mo. to see how it turns out. This one got me pretty good.

It seems my W is not even the same person I knew for 17 years, everything she believed in morally seems to be forgotten. She said to me "why can't I just be happy for once - why cant i do something for me, instead everyone else in this family seems to be happy". I didn't know how to answer that one. I know I haven't been overly happy for awhile, but thought that was more just life happening around me and dealing with the blows.