Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I still like blue, what else?

Guys, this line of thought about the new life with OW being free and fun is something that hits me hard.

To STBX, I represent massive (and I mean massive) debt, crumbling old house, sick elderly parents to care for, teenaged kids, slog, slog slog.

OW, on the other hand, is a private yacht on the mediterranean, a Merc convertible, a new townhouse on the best street in town, no kids, her own successful business, 15 yrs younger, breast implants....

What chance have I got?

Sorry to hijack, but this is a real problem for us all to come to terms with, I think.

NLW-

You have every chance in the world with someone who is deserving of the person you are! I don't care if ow is the queen of Sheeba, what they have is built on desecrated ground.

This is a real problem for all of us, but we are not the problem, so we will make it through this and our time will come when this is an afterthought.

My heart goes out to you!

<3 DM

Ive often felt like nlw but when i dug deeper found the ow and really a loser. Hard to see at first glance. She was not the prize i think he saw.

oh man-

do i agree. sometimes i am SURE this is a waste of my time and life. then i think about a girlfriend who found out about her husband- crashed & burned - went to attorney - went to psychiatrist (and had drugs) for a year or two- trying to get over it or get a handle on it=-

one thing she said stuck with me TOTALLY - SHE SAID her psychiatrist was a woman- who'd been married three times. she said to friend: "just think long and hard before you walk out of this marriage. if nothing else it's familiar ground for you. Unless you have something ELSE wonderful there waiting for you- WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING TO???? don't be too anxious to just end it all - IT'LL be lonely and a hard adjustment. maybe just hang on with "the devil you know' for awhile - til you are more settled or sure.

it spoke to me- what am i running to. nothing in particular. maybe my ego or my esteem would be better if i felt allllll powerful- but it's true. i know from sitting here bored & lonely most of the time- it's no picnic to be bored and lonely most of the time.

i'm awaiting wisdom- or to wake up one moring and know in my heart & soul this is the day- get away- move on- let him go because he is not the person I'd ever want to be with - FOR SURE.

AWAITING CERTAINTY. IS that sooooo bad after thinking for 35 years this was my "life". ?

ta da - good luck- what a freak show huh?

xxo

hey hj-

moment of privacy. h took mom shopping ???!!



ya know? i think this is part of the worst bit. that i feel like a giant fake too. a fraud - acting like i'm invested in him and our r and our life. what life? what r - we got nothing. i don't know what he comes here for- i don't know why he didn't just walk out of my life and be shed of me. he thinks I WANT HIM SOOOOO BADLY - THAT i think it could be like it was??? !!! he's said this. he flatters himself - i say it, he doesn't believe it.

a proverb i read once - "the problem with lying is not that people don't believe you - it's that you don't believe anyone else". that is true of my h. he ALWAYS KNOWS BEST what anyone is thinking (he thinks). he doesn't trust anyone - guess he thinks we're all like him.

i'm not6 saying this stuff to him- i know we're supposed to be supportive in a non-grasping way. i'm tryin- i swear -

does it matter? who th heck can know? this a.m. he wanted to fight about the darn roof - because i didn't answer his question in exactly as many words as he wanted - or how he wanted. i could kill him when he is like this- like any answer is WRONG - AND an imposition to have to listen to. it wasn't a long answer - it just wasn't what he wanted to hear!!!??? wtf

if he hates the "real life" and responsibility- etc. chuck it.

like i'm here for all the wrong reasons - they make us frauds. - my h is like yours - making me a kept woman.. he dangles buying him out of house over my head- threatens me with a roof over my head?? sure smells like it to me- i'm sure he has a different spin. you know- him being allllll gen4erous- etc. i could also rip his face off - he's such a deluded and selfish rotten old thing. or so it feels - all this nice guy crappola on top of ow being there in his life- always - just a stupid old e-mail away.

i'd like to bury him under a ton of computers and watch him be squashed by his obsession and THEN rip his head off. - the damn computers & cell phones- this technology will ruin us all. toooo much everything- too easy - too many options - too easy to lie & cheat & spy and be a jerk- toooooo much of all the things that seem SOOOo young & glizty and EASY & fun.

TOO EASY to think your life can be just like a tv show or a movie. me- my life is jerry springer. it grosses me out- whew...

I don't know if my h would worry bout me at all if we split up. he sure can be down in fl and not bother to hear my voice on phone. he sure can be "out there" and out of my life without so much as a word or thought. i think, honestly, i am nothing to him or in his life. this is how i feel most of the time- this is the message he sends.

oh well huh? enough of my stupid spew -



so - yeah, what the heck is up with that. the jeckle & hyde bit.

i think of the longevity of my sitch - hindsight 20-20- and i honestly wonder if it's mlc at all sometimes. maybe it's been jsut a cheating $hit and me too dopey to see it for what it is. idk- it overwhelms me to think i've been wrong about this all and maybe i shouldn't even be here.

he is less critical & awful by far- but what is really accomplished here??? nothing.

i try not to think of the "ultimate goal" because i honestly don't know what it could possibly be. if/since he thinks he'll never get married and so on- what in the world would i "sign up" for again with him? really - would i"??? it's insane to think it- i'm still just gathering "strength" and getting used to thinking of my rest of life in new terms - in a new way i think. as me doing something ELSE with my life - with someone else or by my self. who can know?

i can't think seriouysly of a future of any sort with him without major change in his heart & head and do i even think it's possible? maybe not really. he's soooo stubborn and block headed - i have no faith in the inner "good man" i used to.

as complete as my faith WAS - NOW IT is completely not there.

oh well- me and my neurosis du jour. we're going to fix the garage roog. he did the book shelf- it looks great. he mowed & has asked a couple times "what's next". i want to say why - like, is this a last visit and he's fixing junk up to just blow dodge and stay there? don't ask- but do wonder.

me- waiting for other shoe to fall - always. he's said before no surprises - he woldn't all of a sudden demand sale of house or anything dramatic - but them, he is a liar, isn't he? we can't exactly put much faith in anything he says.

how do i know when he's lying? he's talking...

okay- evil old me here - heading out to weed & regain my inner harmony.



so icky thought - is that "real love"?? doyou think? when other people see it and feel whether you do or not? whethr you think it's dead and gone or not- somehow they can smell it? am i imagining this? are they just egocentric and arrogant to even think we could still care? or can they in fact smell it on us?

i wonder- oh well- me buying a ticket in his sick lottery- one chance in fifty billion gazillion- but ya gotta be in it to win it.

oh yeah- what do we win again? refresh my recollection.

is the old guy dead dawn? will we want them resurrected as "nite of the livng dead". can ya tell i'm here but a bit hopeless today?


yet still here _ whereever "here" is...xxoo \\

hi nlw-

sad to hear you here. boy do i get it - too, what you say. and i feel it all the time . my ow is not so exotic as yours - but as you say - how the heck do we "win" over that.??

the only thing that comes to my mind is that they "picked us" and were "with us" for soooo long. maybe it means nothing now to them (or maybe it only seems like it means nothing) . that's the real catch. if it was what it felt like allllll those years - then it is in face something huge. and it may be the sort of love that "wins the day". who can know this tho?

me, i tell myself why n the world would he be here 37 years or so- even when he's hating me (apparently) he's not leaving me (well- he hasn't yet anyway) (and he surely could. we're not married and legally i got nothin). he doesn't go.

i do not know why- i do not know what's in his head or heart. i guess it's that wild card that keeps us here dbing. the fact that what we HAD was soo good, it seemed worth a fight of some sort before just throwing in the towel.

honestly- i could cry for all of us- i feel so hopeless sometimes. but then i think- WHAT AM I running off to that's so pressing? if it's poverty and lonlinewss, it'll hold. it will be there when i finally do it. soooo - that's my insanity

good luck- see ya here.

xxoo (( ))

So I am happy w/my choice, but my happiness comes w/guilt. About 3x a yr my H has work that requires my help and as the ''good wife'' I was right by his side. Today he said, can I come by work tonight. I quickly and half heartedly said, any other time you don't want to spend time w/me.

Needless to say I didn't go help, and I feel good for standing up for myself and not be his doormat, but there is this damn human part of me that feel's bad. That part of me knows he really needs me, but the best part of me says, too bad! It's time you ''don't'' feel the L.

NEro - if H likes to spend time w/mom let him. He is getting something privately from her or something out of doing for her. Either way she benefits an he's outa your face. If she get worse you know he will be a great help and I am sure you can use that. He may even feel a guilt being so nice to her and then how could he not be nice to you.

Tonight it is me and the dog again, Fri's are hard there always alone. But I did walk and talk w/a neighbor, shopped, and did my hair peace to you all tonight!

Hi Dawn!

Its hard for people-pleasers to get firm, isn't it? I'm right there with you.

Good for you for standing up for yourself in the work issue. It helps me to remember that H experiencing "natural consequences" for his words and actions is "right" and not "mean".

Your Friday sounds pretty good, but maybe you could plan for a little more excitement on one of the upcoming Fridays? A girls night out (or in)? An overnight somewhere? You've been so stressed lately, is there anyone you could just go visit for the weekend? Or grab a kid and go - to the beach? to the city? to the country? to the mountains?

What'd you do to your hair? I'm thinking of going blond, at least for the summer.

Peace, and joy, to you Dawn

It's funny, once you stop the fighting, and quietly step back, you see just how easy it is they are making it for you to not want them in your life. My H creates an air of misery around him that I am glad to be detached from, and anyone who would want that/him is not a prize by any means.

MIZ-
Though I didn't respond I did read your post yesterday and it made me feel good, thanks! I think about Fri's as they come and even start some mornings off w/makeup, hair, good thoughts, but it is all the same, I don't have any many friends. I was actually considering an overnight at a nice relaxing hotel, w/hot tub, and room service, alone. I may still do that soon.

I grab my kids the best I can, not my boys so much, their good for dinners and game night, and they bring out that damn hookah that I can't resist, they are such a bad influence on me . My D19 does more than her fair share of mom time and then she has her life. My BFF is more miserable than I am, and in complete denial, I need to be in a sitch where I can meet new people.

So yea, I got some of the secret gray outa my hair and snapped in some extensions that I braided so it looked wild like my own hair, and drove w/sunroof open downtown to check out the mag mile scene. It was sad, I'm old enough to afford it all now, but too alone to sit in a nice restaurant and enjoy it. Next time maybe I'll bring an Ipod and walk the lake, at least I won't feel weird doing that alone.

I was an only child, then I was M w/4 kids and never alone, now I'm back to being an only again, I expected the kids to scatter, but my H, that is still taking a very long time to get used to, whether I want him or not it is a struggle.

Hope everyone had a pleasant weekend under all our personal circumstances! I'm going to learn how to BBQ now, how do you start a fire

Hey Dawn

I do agree with you that as time moves on and we change and they do not it is easier to let go. I am still not as done as I would like to be (or maybe as I should be) but I have noticed that I wonder more and more what am I trying to save?

As for grabbing a magazine and enjoying yourself at a cafe? You would be surprised at how nice and relaxing that can be. It is a confident thing to do. Grab some wine. I travel quite a bit for business and where once being alone was a little daunting now I think nothing of it.

I also love your idea of relaxing in a hotel for a night to re-energize yourself. If no one is available to go with you, pick a place with a spa on site and go and enjoy the day and night on your own. I have plans to do the same in the near future.

I think you can now see how my independence got me into trouble . But you may find a whole new confidence and strength to stop relying on your family and start relying on the one person who will always be there with you - you.

Dawn you have been so generous in sharing your experiences with us here. You deserve the best. Hugs.